advice/comfort on dd’s(21) age gap relationship

[bambifury]

My dd, generally quite naive and childlike when it comes to interests/emotions/personality (but smart and has her head very firmly screwed on otherwise) has revealed to me she is in a relationship with a man 30 years her senior.

I didn’t really react. Congratulated her and changed the subject, as she’s never been in a relationship before. He’s an educated man of quite high standing, but I’m not sure if that makes things better or worse. Don’t want to give too much detail as it may be outing.

As not to drip feed: DD unfortunately has sex and physical-abuse related trauma from early childhood. Didn’t want to bring it up to her, but I’m worried she’s drawn to this man because of that.

Obviously she’s a grown woman but I just don’t know how to feel or what to think.

That's a tough one. From my own experience I have similar trauma and have always ended up in relationships with much older men and I'm not sure if they are linked - ive never really confronted my feelings about this and dont think i ever will really.. For what it's worth though, my husband is 18 years older than me and we have been together 15 years and it works great. But with a 30 year gap, I really can't see it lasting, I'd just support her now and support her when it inevitably comes to an end.

21 and a 51 year old man? I would be highly uncomfortable with that.

I can’t see it lasting long term, so keep your relationship where she can come to you when it ends. No ‘I told you so’ situations.
There’s 10 years between me and DH, and the gap seems to get bigger the older we get.

Keep her close, don't criticise the relationship. Let her develop her own doubts, which surely she must.

30 yes is a lot IMHO, but she sounds safe...

Wow, I was expecting to tell you not to be so interfering about her relationship. But 30 years? There are 16 years between me and my husband and believe me it isn't always easy (mostly happy).
Just try not to let her see that it bothers you, you will only push her towards him if you do.

I've dated someone 30 years older previously. It didn't last long and we ended on good terms, we were in very different life stages, natually.

My DP is 14 years older and we've been together five years.

Don't bring up her sexual trauma, just keep her close and act like you would if the age gap were smaller. She will work things out herself. I hope he's nice to her and if it ends she can accept it without getting too upset. The first relationship is a big one.

who cares if he is educated he’s a weirdo