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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband never goes out with me & kids

20 replies

Imamug38 · 11/02/2023 16:57

I'm writing this whilst feeling very angry so I'm having a rant. I already know what everyone will say but it's not always that easy.

My kids are 9 and 12. Boy and girl. Every weekend I try and do something with them if they want to, they also see friends and we also see family members. A variation of this each week. But its only me that goes with them. My husband stays at home 9 out of 10 times. My parents also have a holiday home in Wales that we can use free of charge. We absolutely love going and try to go most school holidays, at least 5 times a year . again ,only I take them. Husband stays at home. This has been going on for years. At one point i was taking a 6 month old baby and a toddler on holidays myself with no help from him. Myself and the kids have made such wonderful memories and have hundreds of photos to look back on. But there dad is never there. So many people have commented on this .

today we have gone to our local park with the dog and their roller skates. They were begging him to come with us. He refused. What is he doing instead, you ask? Sitting on the sofa watching youtube on tv and playing a game on his phone. Kids asking me for the millionth time, why doesn't he come anywhere with us? I absolutely lost it at him. I put them in the car ,went back in and told him I'm sick of living like this ,I'm disgusted in him. He's putting relaxing and playing a game over the family. If he really needed time out and to relax I wouldn't mind. But he does nothing all the time.
He has an easy job and and since covid works from home. Most days he doesn't have a shower or get dressed.he sits on the sofa with the laptop. He is the laziest person I've ever met.
I have put up with this for so long ,I can't take it anymore. I can't bare to see the kids disappointment anymore.
He does go on the occasional day out with us. For example to alton towers or the zoo. So once or twice a year. Also we may go on a holiday to somewhere once a year. He thinks this is enough and he can check out from the rest of the days !
What is so hard is my daughter idolised him. He will sit and cuddle her and spend time with her that way, they have a close bond. Him and our son do not have a close bond. But my husband is very interested in their lives. When we are at home my husband will interact with them and play a game etc. The problem is going out! He has also never done a school run, and never takes them to any after school activities. I run round doing everything.
It would be easier for me if I was a single parent. But I don't think that helps the kids. What would he be like when he had them ? Would they never leave the house?

OP posts:
afinishedkiss · 11/02/2023 16:59

Does he have social anxiety? Seems strange he is very hands on at home but just hates going out?

Imamug38 · 11/02/2023 17:23

I have spoken to him about it before when I'm calm. We've fallen out over this many times.
He is a very miserable, moody man as he us getting older. weve been together w long time and im sure you can guess he wasnt like this originally. I would not have been remotely attracted to to him if he was.
He doesn't have any friends. He used to but says now that he doesn't like other people, and sees no need for friends.so he's cut them off.he hardly speaks to or sees his family.
He's currently having cbt and sees a psychologist who I have also spoken to . The psychologist told me that this is my husbands natural personality and I need to accept that.

I don't see why I should accept that he can live his life sitting on the sofa watching TV whilst I bring the kids up almost single handed.
What makes me the most angry ,is that during the week when the children are at school, he will go out no problem. We will occasionally go out for lunch, or we will go shopping or to browse for something if needed. We are often out. But as soon as the children are here it's almost like he withdraws into himself

OP posts:
sleeplessinsouthhampton · 11/02/2023 17:57

what has been his response to you losing it with him today?

Imamug38 · 11/02/2023 19:11

Nothing, just sat in silence whilst I shouted at him

OP posts:
NYLass70 · 11/02/2023 19:19

He's not thinking of you or your children. Very selfish.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/02/2023 19:46

What are you getting out of this relationship?

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. He’s also harming his children by overtly favouring his daughter over his son and that is also happening right in front of you.

It’s not easy to leave but no obstacle to leaving is ultimately insurmountable and staying with such a man will be harmful to you and your kids. How do you see your life play out if this man is in your day to day lives doing bugger all apart from being on his phone whilst wearing the Dressing Gown of Doom?.

boysmum23 · 11/02/2023 20:00

Your husband sounds like me since lockdown, I don't really want to socialise or go out places but I do make myself because I have 3 children that need to live their life. But if I didn't have children I'd be a hermit for sure. I was never really a massively social person anyway but I think lockdown made me worse.
Maybe he's the same but just doesn't realise it?

Monstermoomin · 11/02/2023 20:14

Yeah I was just going to ask did any of this coincide with lockdowns, as there are a lot of people who developed anxiety around going out from the pandemic and it sort of became normality and a bit of a worry to jump back into it.

Sorry if it's been going on longer than that and isn't massively linked (could've just been exacerbated by the lockdowns).

EarthSight · 11/02/2023 20:52

He is setting a terrible example for them when they grow up.

He will sit and cuddle her and spend time with her that way, they have a close bond. Him and our son do not have a close bond. But my husband is very interested in their lives. When we are at home my husband will interact with them and play a game etc. The problem is going out! He has also never done a school run, and never takes them to any after school activities. I run round doing everything

So as long at it entails zero effort from him, they get some attention?

The psychologist told me that this is my husbands natural personality and I need to accept that

Maybe he made an extra effort in the first few years when you were together, and the novelty of a new relationship probably have him a bit of extra energy, but maybe now you are seeing the real him.

I don't see why I should accept that he can live his life sitting on the sofa watching TV whilst I bring the kids up almost single handed

Because -

He has someone who will do all that for him
He doesn't respect or love you enough to care,
None of those things bring him joy and he doesn't have the energy to do them anyway

But as soon as the children are here it's almost like he withdraws into himself

Because he sees you as the child person in the relationship. There seems to be a lot of men who say all the right things to women pre-children, but as soon as the kids are born, their 1950s values come out and the women end up doing everything.

EllieM27 · 11/02/2023 21:07

“The psychologist told me that this is my husbands natural personality and I need to accept that.”

The hell you do. If he’s miserable, moody, and lazy then he’s doing nothing but dragging you and your children down. I also suspect he’s not being very honest with the psychologist.

Is there anything else going on that you can tell? Does he struggle with obesity that could make him not want to go out? Or does he perhaps have an issue with porn and that’s why he’s so keen to stay home whilst you’re all out living?

You probably need to leave him either way, but if there’s nothing like the above then that makes it even clearer.

OhCobblers · 12/02/2023 08:06

I don't know how you could possibly want to stay a minute longer with such a loser.
You'll have a much better quality of life away from him and so will your children. What a terrible role model for them.

MermaidDreams83 · 12/02/2023 08:11

My OH is exactly the same! When I look back on photos he is barely in any due to him not participating. On Friday I asked if he could take our son to football and he rolled his eyes! When I pulled him on that reaction he said I was being precious, I'm in the middle of getting my s* together so either he moves out or we do.

Gamergeek82 · 12/02/2023 08:16

He sounds selfish I used to have the same problem my with husband then I divorced him .Best thing ever that happened I ended up going out with my child all the time alone,my ex was miserable and boring and just wanted any easy life sitting at home drinking .Please try and nip this in the bud before it goes too far the kids will have no memories of him when their older .I am remarried to the love of my life who is fun and we really enjoy going out with him.Remember you deserve better than this , good luck

ZoZoWatto · 12/02/2023 08:18

Weird that he will be loving at home but never go out. Makes me wonder if he’s developing some kind of anxiety/low level agoraphobia

LadyHarmby · 12/02/2023 08:28

The psychologist told me that this is my husbands natural personality and I need to accept that

By all means accept it but you don’t have to live with it.

GelPens1 · 12/02/2023 08:36

I’m sorry, but you sound like a single mother. He doesn’t sound ‘very interested’ in his DC’s lives considering he doesn’t do anything with them eg going on day trips, holiday, and taking them to school/extracurricular activities. Does he have a job? I couldn’t stay with someone who is moody and stays at home all the time.

Wagon4Wheels · 12/02/2023 09:24

I often wonder why some people have children

He sounds extremely lazy & selfish

Why does he get to stop doing certain things with the children, but you don't get that option ?

This would drive me crazy !!!

I would tell him that he comes out next weekend or that is the end of your relationship forever

Imamug38 · 12/02/2023 10:31

I have wanted to separate from him for years. But he's the high earner.im a low earner .I've always tried to convince myself that he may get better at it one day but that's never happened. I've stayed together because I couldn't bare the thought of sharing custody with him . I genuinely think on the days he had them they would just be stuck in the house doing anything

OP posts:
SamJL474 · 29/06/2023 16:02

Tell the selfish bar steward you want a divorce. That’ll buck his ass up. If not, time to go and meet someone who does want to be part of a family.

MaxTalk · 29/06/2023 16:25

Maybe he doesn't like going out with you? Ask him to take the kids out by himself and have some fun with them.

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