Getting him to accept it’s over

[Dromerdary]

Long story short, friends since uni, got into relationship five years ago after finding out he had wanted to be with me all
along, broke up January for the second time, first time he wormed his way back in after a few weeks.

We agreed to stay friends but despite me suggesting we cut contact for some time while we process the breakup, he insisted he wanted to stay in contact. He kept making excuses to come round then wouldn’t leave for hours (just like the first time) until I put my foot down and told him he couldn’t keep coming over like that.

He claims to want to keep helping run a group that we set up together but I think maybe it’s just an excuse to see me. He got a bit irritated with me when he asked if I’d told the other committee members we’d broken up and I said yes. He asked me when and why I’d told them like it was a weird thing to do. I was quite taken aback at that as it’s not just his news to share.

I’m not sure what to do. I already feel a bit irritated and disappointed that he isn’t respecting the fact that I want to be single. I don’t want to feel responsible for his pain, I have my own shit to deal with, but still I feel guilty for hurting him. He’s putting a brave face on but I can see he’s not in a good place and needs a friend. I’ve on many occasions gently suggested he lean on his other friends and family but he says he doesn’t want them to feel sorry for him. I probably understand his situation more than anyone else so I understand to a degree but I can’t be the one to help him process the fact that it’s over.

How would you navigate this situation please?

You have to be cruel to be kind and stop him from worming his way back in.

He's not respecting your boundaries.

I had a a pretty upsetting break up, it was for both of us. We did stay in touch and supported each other, but it was as friends, not with a view of getting back together. And we are still friends.

Tell him if he doesn't accept the end of the relationship and back off then any future friendship is at risk.

Cut all contact and block him. He's a creepy so and so.

I think you have to see him less. If you run the group together you will probably have to leave - not sure why you think he should be the one to.

He didn't want you telling people as he's not accepted it's over and has no intentions of it being over. I'd break all contact with him. He's in denial and will keep trying to get back with you otherwise. I'd also either drop him from the group or stop going yourself... And tell the others is because you don't feel comfortable with your ex there if he still won't take the hint.

If he really won't get it, then date someone else. Preferably someone big.

You're not friends: he's pushing boundaries.

Say "this isn't working for me", and stop contact. It's not a discussion; it's an announcement.

You're not helping him, you're giving him hope he'll wear you down.

Being ‘friends’ after a break-up almost never works, especially when people try to shift statuses immediately afterwards. It’s just too much of an emotional shift.

You are not responsible for his inability to manage his own emotional state. (You never were, even when you were together.) If he needs a friend, that’s a matter for him.

You do need to cut all contact. You can do this with kindness and grace if you want, or you can do it bluntly and harshly. No judgement either way. The key is to remove yourself entirely from his orbit.