Losing family because I am NC with mother

[Feelinglostin2023]

How do you come to terms that you did make the right decision? I’m currently NC with my mum and I’m perfectly happy with my decision. I can’t possibly tell you my story it’s very outing, lets just say I’ve been through a lot from a young age. My family have obviously taken my mums “side” it’s obvious to me by their actions. I’ve heard all the usual stuff about how she’s still my mum… all conveniently coming from family members who’ve had lovingly supportive parents. I cannot forgive my mum.

I’ve tried for many many years. If I continued to have a relationship with her it would be fake, I would be pretending. I feel like my parents both died years ago and I’ve been unable to grieve. I’ve got younger siblings who still live with my mum, they haven’t had to suffer the same experiences as me luckily. I understand why they can still be close with our mum but I just can’t. She’s like a stranger to me now. Inevitably, my family have acted weird with me. My siblings barely bother with me. I’ve literally got no one. My siblings understand what I’ve been through but obviously it’s difficult for them I understand that. I never ever speak badly of my mum in front of them.

I can’t forgive her for what she’s done to me. She’s been an awful mother to me, if you can even call her a mother. Our father is out of the picture too. I’m thinking about having my own children soon, but we will be isolated away from everyone. No one cares… they do invite me to stuff sometimes, but I feel awkward because my mum is invited too. My aunties are quite traditional and probably frown upon me not having contact with her. It’s really fucking awkward for everyone and me included. Unfortunately I don’t think there is any way of me ever really being a part of the family again as they are making their feelings obvious. They probably think I’m being too harsh and unforgiving but they’ve never had shit parents, they haven’t had to fend for themselves since they were a teenager. They couldn’t possibly understand how it must feel for me. That makes me not even want to be in this family anymore.

It hurts when they keep mentioning how much of a good person/mother she is. It’s really uncomfortable for me. I’ve noticed one auntie making these comments the most, she’s my mums sister so of course she supports her, even though she’s been a shit mum and is also an alcoholic, which has added to the issues, but has only been half of the problems. My mum let me down very badly since I was a teenager. I’ve been without parents ever since if I’m being honest. She won’t take any responsibility for what she’s done. I did manage to get an apology recently when I asked her for some space but it was very general and not being specific about what she’s done or apologising for the particular things I’d raised. She’s getting older now and probably doesn’t want to argue…I’m shocked she even apologised at all, but it’s just too late. I don’t even know this woman anymore. I can’t forgive her in my heart. What would you guys do? I’m torn because I know life is short. I just can’t see a way back. I logically know she’s been a bad mum so I can’t just forgive and forget otherwise I would be condoning her behaviour and minimising what I’ve been through.

I think you need to take a step back until you can make peace with what you can have out these relationships. If you can get to a point where you don’t get drawn into overwhelming pain then you can have as healthy as possible ongoing relationships with them but I personally never reached that point so I’m NC with my parents and siblings. There was serious criminal abuse in my family growing up so I keep my distance from them all. It is painful too but I am dealing with the hand I have been dealt and move forward.

I have ongoing therapy support because issues arise from time to time but a bit like you are saying the relationships are dead even if the people are not.

My family know that I had to leave home at a young age and they know my mum drinks. I think they’ve been given her version of events for so many years that’s why they don’t understand fully. I’ve never told everyone the full extent but that’s because I don’t want to cause any trouble. Part of me wouldn’t want to do that to her. I also wouldn’t want to then put people in the middle. I’ve just tried my best to remain polite and dignified for all of these years. I do wonder what version of events they were told throughout the years. If they knew the truth 100% they might think differently. I’m not that type of person and I hate trouble makers. I’d rather just not say anything. I’ve never openly been asked… maybe if anyone actually asked me for my side I could tell them. I obviously wouldn’t want to create drama so it’s probably best they haven’t asked me. My siblings are stuck not knowing what to do or say, so it’s different for them I totally understand. But it has driven a wedge in our relationship. I barely hear from them unless they want money. I try my best to make plans with them and I make all of the effort. We’re still so distanced though it’s like I don’t exist to them anymore. It’s very upsetting.

@Thepurplelantern I’m sorry to hear your story 💐 I’ve got no one to talk to in real life. I can’t talk to my family and my husband is as supportive as he can be but his family are really close. He has a great mum and dad who have been married for 40 years. I wonder what I would tell my future children when they ask about their family. It’s too far gone now to repair it I think. Thank you for replying x

It sounds like you are very very hurt by the things that happened to you. I think you would benefit from regular sessions with a skilled therapist. It seems that you would like to have a close relationship with all the other members of your family, and for your mother to be excluded to make that possible, but you know this is not going to happen. I think counselling could help you establish what might be possible, and what would most benefit you. I really hope you can find some peace. There is a marvellous organisation called NACOD, for the adult children of alcoholics, which you might find helpful.

Can I ask whether you'd go to her funeral?

I am sorry for your experience, it's heartbreaking.

How are you around your siblings? Do you feel any resentment that they have a better relationship with your parent's as they had a different experience growing up and I wonder if this is making you at best cautious and at worst volatile when around them?

I don’t know if this is the response you want to hear but I’ve let them go. I’m NC with my mum (dad is dead) and it’s not so much family (I don’t have many), but close friends who I grew up with as family.

I was very honest with them about what my mum did and maybe 80% of them have been overwhelmingly supportive (I think it’s been made a bit easier because it involved put my dc in danger in addition to being cruel to me and making up lies, so people have a bit more empathy because they understand the huge risk to my dc). The others who haven’t been supportive. I’ve let them go, blocked them from contacting me, want nothing to do with them. The damage done was horrendous and is not forgivable. I’ll never have my mum in my life again and I’m so much happier.

You only get one life. You have to live it being happy and healthy and well and I’ve made that a priority. It’s been several years now. My dc are happy, have drama-free lives, don’t ask about any of them. They are surrounded by family (dh’s family is wonderful) and friends and we don’t miss them at all.

To answer some questions:

I’m a people pleaser but I’m slowly getting better at setting boundaries. I would never ever make my siblings feel uncomfortable. My mum was nasty to me growing up, I don’t think I even have any feelings left for her. If I did then I wouldn’t have cut her off 5 years ago. I ended up having a kind of texting relationship with her for the last couple of years but that was the people pleaser in me. Everything I’ve done has been so my siblings don’t feel awkward or feel put in the middle. I realised a few months ago that is not a healthy way to live.

I’ve had therapy many times and also CBT due to my anxiety. I wanted the therapy (counselling) to help me understand how to move on from my past. The therapist basically said that I need to move on and focus on now. She said that my mum would never change, and that I needed to be honest with my mum and anyone else who made negative comments to me about my choices. People think I’m protecting her by not outing the full details but firstly, no one has asked me and secondly like I said above, I would do anything to not put my brother and sister in an upsetting position.

My mum gets drunk and talks badly about me, she tries to get people to feel sorry for her. She’s always been like that but I know she does this to them because my sister told me so. This upsets her and she feels stuck in the middle trying to please my mum. My mum drinks and then comes home from the pub and just sits there pitying herself with comments like “I don’t know what I’ve done wrong, all I’ve ever done is try to be a good mum”
We all know this isn’t true as she’s a selfish drunk who raised us in our local pub. I spent more time there than I did at home.

I don’t drink now as I’m terrified to become anything like her.My brother and sister know the truth but they didn’t go through what I did so I totally understand why they are still able to have a relationship with her. I do not see her as my mum, I see her as their mum (even if she’s not the best mum by my standards) there’s nothing to resent. Even if she showed up at my door crying and apologising and changed her behaviour forever, I don’t want anything to do with her.

I’m nothing like her, totally different and physically hate everything she stands for. I never used to be like this but that’s what happens after years of trying with a nasty drunk. I do not speak about my mum or my stepdad (their real dad) unless they bring it up first. I give them factual answers but in an understanding tone, not an angry tone. I’ve never resented them, I’d give everything I have to see them happy. When you grow up looking after your siblings you look to them like they are your own children in a way. I recently sent my mother a message explaining how I’m feeling and asked for some space. I said things that I’ve wanted to say for years.

My therapist told me to do this and I told her that I can’t do it because I’m scared it will upset my siblings. She told me that I can’t live my life like this, they are adults now and if they want to cut me off or judge me for being honest then there’s nothing I can do. She said I have to be honest, and send her the message. I genuinely just want my family to include me as my own person, not someone who is attached to that woman who used to be my mum. They never invite me around for coffee alone, or arrange a meet up alone, it’s always a big family meet up. Pretty much all of my messages on my phone are me checking on them or sending the message first. They do respond but no one ever thinks to message me first.

So I either go to the group family events where my mum will be and she will be drinking, or I never see them at all. I want to try and arrange meet ups alone but when I’ve tried with one particular family member she has invited my mum along too. I don’t want to get into a difficult conversation about why this is unacceptable because I don’t want my aunties uncles and cousins to turn against me. They literally just want me to do whatever is convinient for them so they aren’t in an awkward position.

I’m not in therapy anymore as my therapist wasn’t helping me to unpick my past trauma. She just said I need to move on and stop dwelling on the past. This didn’t help at all. I specifically told her I need to talk about my past to try and understand how it has had an impact on me now. I felt that was how I could move on. She didn’t agree and kept trying to change the subject to things in my life now such as my job. It was really strange, I just stopped attending in the end. I’m not going through that again, telling a stranger and their team about my traumatic life to have them not follow my chosen therapy path is not good and I really didn’t feel right about that.

I don’t want to get into a difficult conversation about why this is unacceptable because I don’t want my aunties uncles and cousins to turn against me.

I think someone upthread said there is no likelihood of the family excluding your Mum because of your problem with her. That just doesn’t happen. Dysfunctional families almost universally turn against the person forcing them into taking actions they don’t want to take by scapegoating them.

They literally just want me to do whatever is convinient for them so they aren’t in an awkward position.

Yes you are absolutely correct here. This again is typically the case in dysfunctional families.

I’m not in therapy anymore as my therapist wasn’t helping me to unpick my past trauma. She just said I need to move on and stop dwelling on the past.

That is rubbish behaviour by your therapist. Ultimately that is the direction you want to go to but you need to process this at your own pace and it is a process to get to this place. There is no magic wand.

Your siblings are part of this dysfunction now too. It is very sad. They will have a very different perspective and understanding of what is going on that your experiences and their loyalty to your mother will blind them from their roles in this. It is so difficult.

Unfortunately, NC usually ends up like a divorce; the rest of the family make some platitudes at the beginning, but ultimately carry on seeing the person you’ve gone NC with, and the person who goes NC becomes more and more left out.

It’s seen more like you leaving the family, than one person, for some reason.

Look to make a new life with your own family, and maybe a different therapist.

My mums drinking has obviously been an issue with my siblings and family too. It’s not only me who’s had problems with it. I can’t go into detail but she has ruined many family events including a wedding due to her behaviour when drunk. I can’t understand how they can all forgive her. Maybe they can’t understand why I CAN’T forgive her. Maybe we’re all just different people who have different values in life.

My family are from a family where you are taught not to disrespect your elders, so they probably frown upon me standing up for what I believe in against my mum. It’s those thoughtless comments like “But she’s your mum” I’ve had the same from work colleagues and as a result I choose not to share anything about my personal life at work now. I do have people who I class as friends and we usually discuss our personal lives with each other, but I will not do this anymore. People say “Oh are you seeing your mother on mother’s day, Christmas day” etc. that becomes awkward when I either lie and say yes or be honest and say no were not that close.

I’ve had conversations with colleagues who are older than me who just tell me to phone her and life is too short. I then elaborate a little on the things she’s done and the look of shock on their face is priceless. They cannot comprehend it because they come from loving families. I always say you should never judge. Cutting someone off is never done lightly. The abuse has usually been going on for years before the victim thinks about going No Contact. I never expected my family to choose sides. I expect to be invited for a coffee alone, without her being there. They can all see each other as much as they like but I would rather see my family on an individual basis for a catch up. In all honesty this has never been presented to me, it’s been group family gatherings with her there, and alcohol. No thanks.

Obviously I’ve gone to a few before but none while we were NC. We recently spent time together because we had a death in the family. I did that so that I didn’t make an already difficult time more uncomfortable for everyone. It was uncomfortable for me, I hadn’t seen her for years. But I did it and it wasn’t that bad. Unfortunately there’s too much water under the bridge to continue any contact at least at the moment. I need to figure out how I’m going to move on, before I even think about having a child of my own. I’ve been married for 4 years and I can’t even cross that path yet, as I have too much to work on before I can become a mother myself. Maybe 🤔 if my mum worked on her own traumas, life issues and drinking before she had kids we wouldn’t be in this position.

I suggest you centre yourself on your new family - your husband, the children you will have, his family (if you like them). Finding a good therapist is a great idea - when you have your own children you will be even more horrified at the way you've been treated and that can be tough to deal with.

I agree with this. It really hits when you realise that you would never do to others what they did and that particularly hits when you have kids. This stuff is so difficult so you need a solid support system around. I have my husband and my therapist and very loosely I have friends I am honest with but minimise discussion on it because it is difficult for them and I have 1 cousin who gets it. As you are finding it is way way outside of the sphere of normal friendships issues to deal with it.

I have become deft at deflection when questions come up about family with people outside the loop. So I deliberately misunderstand and say I’m doing something with my own family or my husband’s family and move the conversation on by shifting the focus back to the person asking. I talk about good events from the past with my family of origin etc so I can feel part of conversations and I don’t want to write those experiences off either. My kids and I speak about the family in the past as their relationships have been badly effected too.

@Thepurplelantern that’s a good way of handling questions I will do this from now on.

I’ve never met anyone in my 30 years who has been through this. I have no one who understands. It can be quite lonely to be honest. I’ve become used to it now but it still hurts.

Yes it absolutely does. It is grief and a significant grief. You have lost the precious relationship you should have with your mother. Even in the best of circumstances losing a mother is a lifelong grief for a person so it is absolutely natural that this stuff hurts.

This thread has helped me so much. I am really sorry for your pain, I know how overwhelming it is. I understand it and am in a similar situation and have been for a long while. Have sent you a pm.