Why do I feel like this?

[OLDwoes]

I've recently started online dating so very new to the whole thing. I've surprised myself about how upset I feel about the following situation and am hoping to gain some perspective and see if others have encountered anything similar in terms of their feelings.

In the two weeks since I started I've had a few matches and chats but nothing has come of them. All fine so far.

On Wednesday morning I matched with a guy and we spent the rest of the day messaging each other. We hit it off right from the start. Similar backgrounds and outlook. Lots to chat about. All going well and messaged almost constantly all day until bedtime! He seemed a terrific guy for me and I was really hoping that I would meet him in person.

On Thursday I had to go to work so I let him know that I wouldn't be available to chat during the day. We exchanged a few messages first thing and then resumed our conversation early evening. All still going well although I was really tired after my day. He sent a message at 9.30pm, I saw it but got distracted by something at home and then I fell asleep without replying.

The next thing I knew it was midnight. I looked at my phone and he'd unmatched. I really suspect it was because I'd suddenly gone silent. And I feel awful. Awful that he must think I thought so little of him to do that. And awful because I so very much wanted to meet.

I'm back to square one and I'm swiping through profiles today but all I can think of his him. It's like he is 'the one who got away' of OLD. Why do I feel like this? I'm a grown woman. With adult kids. I should know better than to be upset and pining over a bloke I barely knew!!!

I think online dating makes it feel like there's more of a connection than there is because messaging is so quick etc.
It hurts when someone goes ghost...but equally just imagine dating a man child this silly and needy! Imagine every time you fell asleep or were otherwise occupied he was sulking? How pathetic, sounds like a close shave to me 🚩

Yes I definitely felt the 'connection' you mention. This is the perspective I need. Thank you.

Sounds like you're desperate for connection, so, when you feel you've found it, however briefly, you attach very strongly to it.

Why might you be desperate? Have you been pining for connection already, before this, and he's just a thing to focus the pining on? Have you been feeling very isolated/lonely/different from others, and that's what's brought you to OLD?

This is about your self esteem. You haven't done anything wrong; he's let you down by proving that he can't even let you be a normal human being with a life outside of him. Would you really want a partner like that, or has he done you a favour by showing you that he's a demanding arse right from the start?

Awful that he must think I thought so little of him to do that

So much second guessing here. So many other possibilities. Why would you need to 'think so little of him' to do that? I've fallen asleep without wishing my partner, who I love very much, goodnight, on lots of occasions, it's completely normal.

Have a little think about what you were taught when you were little. Did you have to 'be there' for a struggling parent? Sibling? Did your Mum have to 'be there' for your Dad, or vice versa, no matter whether they were dozing off or a bit poorly or super busy with something else? You've learnt this expectation somewhere, the expectation that you'll 'be there', and if you're not, you've really badly let someone down.

Where does that come from?

Thank you. I burst into tears reading your response but only because it helps that someone understands. So much rings true here particularly around my need for connection and the issues I have around self esteem and isolation.

On reflection I agree it was a red flag as also raised by the PP. I do think he may have been a demanding arse (this made me smile). At times the messaging and his questions felt like interrogation but I put that down to wanting to get to know me. I in turn did ask lots of questions back.

Thank you again for replying. Lots for me to unpick here.

Ew. Game player. Nope. Move on. A therapist once told me that for women, intimacy begins at the keyboard - sharing personal things. Connection, intimacy, can begin in the mind. She told me to make men EARN the things I shared with them.

he did nothing to earn your heart truths, your thoughts and feelings, except chat to you all day. Then when you were genuinely busy and couldn’t bleed out yet more energy to him, he bailed.

if he comes back around in a few days or a week, DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE HIM. At all costs. Block if possible. This will be following a script designed to gain power over you; he’s already succeeded in some ways.

then what would happen: you’d get together, but he’d slightly (very slightly) “neg” you; compliments would be lavish, but shaded with something to make you wonder. After dates, you’d begin to feel insecure and nervous.

this is a type of man you do not want to let into your heart or mind - so be grateful he showed his colors this early. And yeah, it really can hurt a lot! But it’s a valuable lesson you’ve been given for free, so you can be a quick-release to men from now on if they don’t earn your intimacy … if they’re hot and cold, dump, dump, dump.

and a handhold for the pain - I know how much it hurts. It’s not silly at all - you bonded because sharing things is where closeness begins. He’s a creep for not valuing that.

I’ve experienced this a few times. Lots of interest and wants to message. I get distracted by (oh I don’t know?! the fact that I have a life?!) something and the guy unmatched me. Sometimes this accompanied by some snarky comment beforehand.

I wouldn’t want to date someone like that. OLD is a major lottery and it’s best to approach it sincerely but not too seriously. This kind of thing is very common along with a long list of other shenanigans.

Thank you for taking the time to share this insight with me. It has indeed been a valuable lesson which I will take forward.

The handhold is appreciated because I felt silly for feeling so upset and just couldn't fathom why. I am learning so much this evening.

Thank you. At least it is not just me. It was hard not to take it personally.

I am now also wondering what this long list of other shenanigans is?!!

Shenanigans list:

-Never replying at all after matching and you sending a message (obviously we all do this though)
-Sending you a message and when you don’t reply immediately they send sarcastic comments.
-You don’t reply bc not interested enough to prioritise them and so you get an abusive message and they get kicked off the site
-Asking if you’re nearby because the app says you are/asking where you live exactly
-Sending over serious first messages, ending with ‘if you’re interested get back to me’
-Barely saying goodbye at the end of the date, just wandering off (presumably no chemistry means you don’t deserve to be treated with normal human courtesy?)
-Getting serious after one date. Constant texting. You set boundaries and they fly into a rage then block you.
-Asking to pick you up from your house on a first date
-Trying to go straight to Netflix and chill on a first date; lockdown was a good excuse for this (pretending not to understand why hiking in the dark isn’t on a list of things you’re up for either - or literally not understanding this).
-Lying about age (common). Lying about height. Lying about single status
-Openly being married and looking for an affair - and with no shame
-Asking to transfer chat to WhatsApp especially early on.
-Men who are not able to carry a written conversation at all. Related to this, you ask questions and they answer your questions in detail but they don’t ask any back.
-First dates where the guy talks endlessly about himself all night and asks you absolutely nothing (this is very common)
-Men just looking for sex. Obvious one.
-Photos that look nothing like the person in real life; photos from 20 years ago
-Asking “what’s up?” “Hey baby/gorgeous/(insert term of endearment here)” as a first message
-Talking about sex/how much they like sex before they even know you
-Men who still live with their mother and who can’t even cook; obvious example of something that doesn’t go on their profile
-Talking about exes/their penis/something else you don’t want to hear about on first date
-Talking a lot about how much they earn /hinting at this on a first date; eg how they happen to live in an expensive area
-Refusing to let you pay half for dinner, but throughout dinner subjecting you to an interview-style date. Getting irritated by any of your questions and saying “we’re going off topic now”
-Men who are uncomfortable with any signs of independence; once a guy insisted I sat at a table immediately and only he was allowed to go to the bar. Another guy turned cold /weird as soon as he worked out I had two degrees.
-Asking for full length photos because they want to (admittedly) check you’re not fat. Conversely, men who only like a certain body type, eg curvaceous so they ask for your measurements.
-Topless photos, sunglasses, hats. Photos in underwear. Photos in bed. I’m sure you’re already familiar with most of this!
-Lovebombing /too many compliments through text before first date and in the early stages of dating before you know each other. Expressing too much excitement at first time at their place - awkward.
-Refusing to wear a condom /complaining about it

I’m in my forties btw so this is all men that age and older (in some cases much older -especially if they lied about their age :-))

I have quite a few horror stories. Most of this is probably obvious /common stuff I guess? Other people are have been more lucky.

He definitely wasn’t the one who got away! He was just showing his true colours. There are plenty of people out there who will act nice but then ghost you without a second thought. Guard your heart a bit better and just persevere.

If it's a big thing for you to feel listened to and understood, and if you're calling your feelings 'silly', it seems like you're not self validating, and your looking for validation externally. It's pretty common, but you can change your life by starting to validate yourself. I was 44 when I learned to do it. Look into it. It's basically realising that your feelings are never silly, they're all perfectly acceptable and understandable, given your situation and experiences. Basically recognising that many people would feel just like you do, if they were in your situation. Anybody who makes your feelings seem silly, or who says they are, needs to be rejected by you, so currently, you are in a position to need to reject yourself. And that's why you feel so crap: you feel bad, then you're judging yourself negatively for feeling bad, which makes you feel worse, and then you judge yourself negatively for feeling worse, and down and down you go.

So, drop the judgement and do this: I feel bad. How can I be so nice to myself that it makes me feel better? Netflix? Read a book? See a friend? Countryside walk? Time with animals? Anything. The key is in recognising that it's up to you to make your life happy. You're not designing yourself in order that you have the correct feelings: you're the one who decides what's correct anyway, for you. There are no rules about what you should feel, so if you burst into tears every time you set eyes on a yoghurt ( or have any other unusual emotional response to anything), you and those who love you will support you, help you work out what's going on, and stop bringing you yoghurts! Your feelings are all valid. They are expressions of your heart and soul. If you disrespect them, you disrespect the core of you. Hold them high.

OLD seems like the wild west to me. Obviously we hear stories on here from women about the way men behave on OLD, but from the accounts of the few male friends I know who are on it, the ghosting, immediate shutdowns and general rudeness is something they experience too.

However, perhaps this guy has had some bad experiences in the past with being ghosted too? Perhaps he is an arsehole? No real point worrying about it as he has made his decision and is missing out! On to the next one!

Thank you for this. Very wise words and I will take this on board.

Thank you!

A little of this is familiar already - and the photos! Why do we need to see photos of them in bed or in just their boxers or with their shirt half open.

Sounds like you're desperate for connection, so, when you feel you've found it, however briefly, you attach very strongly to it

you are not alone !!!!
But lesson learned
do not and never get too attached to a messaging persona

it’s all fake till you meet
and you might not even fancy them in RL

he’s over sensitive and lesson learned to be a bit more guarded xx