DH and I were in a long distance relationship, but got married last year and he moved to my home city (just over a hundred miles) with DSD, 8. I have DD9 and DS12. We are both previously widowed. It has some relevance, I think, to say that DSD's mum died of alcoholism and there was a lot of disruption in the house for DSD before she died, and obviously very hard for DH too.
DSD has seen her maternal grandmother once or twice a year (except during covid) since then. Grandmother would visit them in the city where they lived (which was a couple of hours journey for her - she does not have mobility issues). DH does not particularly like her, and she was apparently emotionally abusive to DSD's mum during childhood.
Now and again, the two sides of DSD's (biological) family would meet, e.g. on her birthday, there would sometimes be a party at DH's mum's house, with both grandmothers there, DH's sister, etc.
Things have obviously changed a little since DH and DSD moved here. We sometimes go back to see DH's family, of course.
Now - here it is. DH's mother and sister attempted to arrange a 'get together' between themselves, DSD's other grandmother, DH and DSD before Christmas, in their former home city where DH's family still lives. This was separate to our own trip scheduled a couple of weeks later, to see DH's family during the Christmas period.
DH said (to his family) thanks but no thanks, it's too much travelling, we have other plans before Christmas and don't have a whole weekend to spend on this, grandmother would normally visit us where we and is welcome to come here, but she hasn't been in touch with me at all to arrange seeing DSD. It wouldn't be a longer journey for her than going to their former home city - it's pretty equidistant.
At which point - grandmother, plus DH's mum and sister, all kicked off at DH, saying it would be 'easier for everyone' (we're not sure how), he was just being awkward and deliberately trying to block DSD from seeing her grandmother. Grandmother then said that I was 'brainwashing' DH. She was insistent that DH and DSD should visit her, and when DH said no, but she could come here, she turned pretty nasty. She was telling him he wasn't a 'real man' (whatever that means) and telling him off for her birthday card being late, during a postal strike. Not once did she ask how DSD was. She was very pushy and in the end he said no, I have enough to deal with, we're busy, DSD is still traumatised by what happened and under the care of CAMHS, I can't accommodate last minute Christmas travel arrangements, you need to come here. At which point grandmother got very angry and accused him of disrespecting DSD's mum's memory.
To be clear, I have never tried to stop DSD seeing her maternal grandmother. This really isn't anything to do with me - I see this as DH's choice. I have never met her grandmother.
There's a lot more to the story - DH's sister sent him lots of strange, controlling messages telling him he had to 'prove' to her that he was still a 'kind brother', all sorts of odd stuff, asking him what the fuck was going on just because he didn't reply immediately to her messages. Telling him they were 'all appalled' at his behaviour when he literally hadn't done anything.
We are both genuinely baffled. And in the middle of this is poor DSD, and DH too who is really upset at being accused of things he hasn't done. He has now blocked grandmother (self-fulfilling prophecy - he's now actually done what he was first accused of doing) due to the contents of her messages.
In terms of DSD's feelings, it's very hard to say, but she has expressed that her grandmother doesn't spend any time with her and instead talks to the adults all the time. She is very loyal to her dad and dislikes it when anyone upsets him. Obviously this is all now DH's decision. It is terribly sad. I feel really sorry for her because she doesn't need this, but also - neither myself nor DH created this unpleasant drama. Her family relationships are important, but last time we went, DH's mother and sister were so frosty, the atmosphere felt horrible.
For myself? I feel my relationship with my in laws is really damaged. I feel like I am being used as some kind of scapegoat as I am the catalyst for things changing, and DH moving away. I feel like they are all bitching behind my back - them and the grandmother. And actually, I am doing my best, I have also been through a lot what with losing my first DH, DSD is not an easy child but I do my best with her, and I do try. I'm not willing to put up with being blamed. I just don't want to see my in laws and am planning not to visit them anymore with DH. DH is fully supportive of this and says he isn't sure he wants to see them either. I'm also pregnant and just can't be dealing with the drama.
Obviously it's up to him to make his decision with regards to himself and DSD.
This is more of a WWYD/AIBU. Sorry for the lengthiness, and I hope it all made sense (well, as much as it can, as none of it makes sense to me).
I am trying to see 'their side' - they are clearly upset at DH and DSD moving away, and now it's all this mess and they've only driven them further away, if that makes sense. I feel sorry for the grandmother, she's lost her daughter, but I'm not willing to be a punchbag.