Banter, Flirting Compliment fishing?

[ItsOnlyUsAllTogether]

Partner is naturally flirty which is one of the things I love about them.
But they have a friend of the opposite sex who is also in a relationship. When does banter become flirt and when is the flirting too far/ emotional affair?
They message almost everyday mainly about mundane things but there is a bit of flirt and a bit of “compliment fishing” (if that is a thing) from both sides.
I’m uncomfortable with the content of their chat which we have spoken about.
(Some of the messages were seen as partner scrolled through them to show me a video they sent them)

Partner says they are friends and that’s it. They know each other through work but only see each other at work occasionally, maybe once a month.

Hey, I'm sorry I could be so uncomfortable with this. Others may disagree but flirting is something you usually do with someone you fancy - you don't have to fancy them loads, but you'll definitely have a little 'thing' for them. Simply put, you don't flirt right people you find unattractive. So, based on this, I would not be happy about this at all. And it's quite frankly cruel that he does it knowing you don't like it. Xx

I know that just because two people have a 'thing' for each other and flirt, it doesn't necessarily mean it will lead to an affair - it may never let it get that far - but I still find it deeply inappropriate if you're already in a relationship.

Ok so I'm a notorious flirt. Married for decades but love a good banter and flirty joke.

I've always kept my boundaries and good friends are the best for this because they (hopefully) understand where the line is. There is always a line.

I also work in a profession where flirty banter is part of the average day because our jobs are so difficult and we see the worst of life (think police but it's not police).

I couldn't be with someone who got jealous of this. At the end of the day it's my DH who I'm intimate with and physically affectionate towards. Nobody else, but yes I flirt

I completely agree, I’ve never felt anx about any of partners friends and I’d say we have the same flirt/banter boundaries.
It’s just this individual and the daily messaging.

I ended a friendship I had for a few years with a man for this reason when I met my partner. I myself felt it disrespectful to him and to our relationship so stopped the meeting him in person and constant messaging. It was a great friendship so far as in made us both feel good about ourselves I suppose as bantering but also compliments and lots of flirting even though nothing would ever have happened, not from my end anyway, but when I met DP I found all the attention and flirting I needed within our relationship and with him so basically ended whatever friendly flirtation I had with the other man as felt it was not fair. I would not be happy with my dp doing this.

Have you met this friend? If so, how was it?

I had a boyf who did this. I knew they weren’t sleeping together at any stage, and he was always v dismissive of my concerns, but eventually I saw their messages and his behaviour had been outrageous. It had been going on our entire relationship, well before I clocked it. I thought maybe it was just this one person, as they had a longstanding relationship before I arrived on the scene. But then he started the same type of thing with a colleague. He had never mentioned the colleague’s name to me and was sending her 100 messages a day!

to me it’s really about how transparent he is prepared to be, whether she is someone you can develop a friendship with as well as part of your partners friend group, and whether he is prepared to take your concerns on board and do something to reassure you.

if he stonewalls/gets angry/refuses to introduce you then 🚩🚩 If he hands over his phone and says here, look nothing to worry about - I’d love her to meet you let’s all go for a drink, then I’d be less concerned

But either way, remember it’s ok for you to have your feelings and boundaries and you shouldn’t accept less than you think you’re worth

No way would I be okay with a partner who messaged another woman daily.

Sure, men and women can be friends. But by that reasoning, that they’re just friends, I always ask myself if the same behaviour would happen between two men. If the answer is no, it’s not okay.

Messaging every day in a flirty manner exchanging compliments is a bit excessive for a colleague she only sees monthly. Even if she thinks they're friends, I'd be willing to bet he fancies her. Generalisation I know, but ime men in particular don't tend to invest this way and to that extent in women they're not interested in.

It's interesting that this particular relationship is bugging you. Maybe there is more to it, I think gut instinct on these things can be valuable.

But it makes her uncomfortable, hence why she's posted on Mumsnet. You wouldn't do it if it made your partner, who you loved, uncomfortable, surely xx

I work in an environment whereby some colleagues do flirt. In fact, Dp was in the room whilst I was working from home, I took a call from another manager.
His intro was very flirty along the lines of,' My darling insert my name, what I would give to spend a night with you'. I had to tell him Dp could hear what he was saying.
He stopped spluttered and apologized to Mr. Constance.

Dp laughed and then suggested he'd need some new teeth if he carried on. 😂Colleague had just spent a considerable amount on a set of teeth.

I think it's a hard one.
Yes if you are flirtatious with someone then there is likely some part of their personality that you find attractive, but that's the same with your friends of the same sex, you are often friends because you are attracted to a part of their personality.
That doesn't mean it is sexual or would ever lead to it.
I really think it depends on the person. My partner is not overtly flirtatious at all, doesn't call people darling, isn't a hugger, he shields his emotions.
Therefore him flirting with another female is completely outside of his usual behaviour and I would be angry and it would be inappropriate.
Yet if he was generally a bit of a flirty lad. Everyone is a "love", he was a bit more touchy feely etc, then I think the boundary can be much further because of who they are.
I wouldn't expect multiple messages all the time, and i'd expect to be put first.
You need to be clear of your personal boundaries and let him know. If he respects those then I think you can move on from it.

I thought you were talking about someone he had known for years and years. But some chick from work that he sees once a month is not a friend. They're a work acquaintance. Does she even know he has a gf?

I wouldn't be OK with this.
And I consider myself a flirty person. Like, partner or not, hot bartender flirts with me, I'm flirting back. I'm not however, taking his number down and cracking on with it behind my partners back. That's just fucked up.

I couldn't get worked up over the odd cheeky comment upon passing them at the water cooler in work but no way am I tolerating him flirting with his coworker every day by text. Its disrespectful.

And as others have said, they are your boundaries and its not a big ask for him to respect them. Or leave.

When does banter become flirt and when is the flirting too far

Who do you think is the authority that makes rules about things like this?

There are no guidelines and no boundaries, apart from the ones we set for ourselves. If something isn't against the law, any of us can do it, any time. It's up to you, @ItsOnlyUsAllTogether to decide what is too much/too little/too far for you. That will be different for me, and different for the next person, but your life needs to be lived according to your morals and your standards, and anyone who doesn't respect that needs to be rejected, by you.

Tell your partner that you are unhappy when they behave this way. Leave it in their hands to choose how to behave in future. If flirting is more important to them than respecting your clearly stated boundaries and feelings, they are not the one for you, and you need to be prepared to move on if that's the case. But don't ask them to change. Give them the info they need regarding how you feel, and leave it at that. They're not doing anything illegal, and it's not up to you to decide how they behave.

Thank you everyone.

Have you considered that they probably see each other more than once a month to maintain this friendship and you just don't know cos it's all done at work?