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Original poster

How do you share childcare with partner when have more than 1 child?

38 replies

Cookiemonster83 · 10/02/2023 12:16

Hi, I’ve got a 12 week old with my partner and a 7 year old who I have apart from every other weekend when she is with her dad.

Im really struggling at the moment and just wondering whether I’m expecting too little/much form my partner.

Baby suffers terrible reflux so cries and cries most of the day and doesn’t sleep laying down at night. I sleep alone with her upstairs and partner on his own downstairs as he works. He gets up at 5:30am and is back around 3:30pm.

I struggle in the morning to get my daughter ready for school with a crying baby. Luckily my mum takes her and picks her up from school as I’m exhausted from 3hrs sleep max each night. Can’t make up sleep in the day as baby will only sleep upright in a sling.

Partner gets home and gets frustrated approximately 10 mins after arriving as baby crying so I take her back then struggle with her and doing homework with my daughter, getting tea and then bath time. Each time carrying the baby either sleeping in sling or crying. I’m absolutely frazzled at the moment, I’m really struggling.

Should he be doing more? Even tho bigger child is not his? I feel so guilty I can’t give her my attention as I’m always trying to comfort the baby. I dead going to bed as I get no sleep and know the next day baby will cry most of it.

OP posts:
ALS94 · 10/02/2023 12:23

Yes he should be doing more. When he came into your family, he took on the responsibility of the child you already had as well as any you have together.

You need to speak up for yourself, find a time when the children are out or asleep so it’s just you two and explain how you’re feeling, if necessary write a list of all the jobs that he could be involved in e.g. cooking dinner, doing homework, bath time etc and split them out.

What is he like at the weekends or when he’s off work? Does he help at night then?

Eastereggsboxedupready · 10/02/2023 12:24

My dh never neglects any of our /my dc...

Original poster
Cookiemonster83 · 10/02/2023 12:27

@ALS94 its pretty much the same. He has jobs he wants to get on with. They are important jobs but at the moment I really need some support.

OP posts:
ALS94 · 10/02/2023 12:44

@Cookiemonster83 then my advice still stands, you need to tell him what you’ve told us and be firm with it. You made the choice together to have a second child

ALS94 · 10/02/2023 12:48

Sorry another suggestion… book in one on one time with your daughter, speak to your partner about it and arrange that every other weekend for a couple of hours you go out with your daughter, just for a walk or lunch etc so you can really connect with her and also get out the house so your partner has to take the full responsibility of baby

Marblessolveeverything · 10/02/2023 12:51

Start as you mean to go on - so when he comes home. Let him grab a cuppa catch up then divide and conquer!

So he goes and gets the bath for baby ready and spends a bit of time with them. And you grab a cuppa and sit with your daughter and crack on with the homework.

Then when homework and bath is done make a start together on tea - he and baby can join and work together, many hands makes light work.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/02/2023 12:53

He is not pulling his weight. He should at least be doing baby's bathtime, one overnight a week (if ff) and cooking half of the weeks evening meals.

Original poster
Cookiemonster83 · 10/02/2023 12:54

@Marblessolveeverything that’s sounds perfect. Currently he comes in and wants to sit watch the tv and play on his phone. I will give him the baby and she will cry after a few mins as she doesn’t want to sit on his lap she wants to walk around etc. He huffs and puffs and I end up taking her back so bang goes my time to have a bath myself and do homework etc.

OP posts:
QforCucumber · 10/02/2023 13:00

He needs to do more, we would all love to sit down and watch tv all evening and have a list of jobs as long as our arms for weekends, but it all gets put aside because parenting can't be.

G5000 · 10/02/2023 13:03

Ah one of those guys.
We all would love to sit and watch TV, but I don't have little fairies taking care of home and children.
Tell him that you also want to play on your phone. I bet he will say that he's working and you do nothing the whole day. Well if taking care of a baby is nothing, he can do that for a few hours every evening, no?

Marblessolveeverything · 10/02/2023 13:19

@Cookiemonster83 communication is key. The days of coming home and flaking in front of tv and phone are gone - newsflash to your DH/partner babies need care.

Sit down and come up with an agreed plan - do plan in breaks for both of you and do include the idea about you and your older daughter having some quality time together.

Life is hectic with a baby but everyone needs down time - headphones on, in the bath, and chill - if you know you have this ahead the day will feel less stressed.

He may not realise but time with baby will help him become more confident and they will develop their relationship and find their grove. My exDH used to play his favourite music to our children and "dance" rather than walk, so now I have children with taste for eclectic 90s music!

Badger1970 · 10/02/2023 13:20

Are you seeing the GP about the reflux? DD had a nightmare getting her poor middle DC onto the right meds and it took a few months to get right. In the end, we paid for a private paed referral for them both and within days she was so much better.

Can your older DC's Dad help out more at this time? At least she'd be getting some 1 to 1 time from a parent just in the short term.

And your DP needs a kick up the arse. Childcare is 50/50 when you're both at home and no one wins the "i'm more tired than you" competition. A man that loves you should see that you're worn out, exhausted and want to help. If he doesn't, then he's not bringing much to your life is he...

Original poster
Cookiemonster83 · 10/02/2023 14:05

@Badger1970 ive been to the gp so many times now. We tried partially dairy free formula and 100% dairy free to no avail. I’ve said it’s reflux and they gave her gaviscon which has made her constipated. We have it wait months to see a paediatrician.

OP posts:
Badger1970 · 10/02/2023 14:39

Oh bless you, I remember having my granddaughter to give DD a break and honestly feeling like I was going mad after several hours of non stop crying. It's miserable for baby and you Flowers last thing you need is an unsupportive partner right now.

Gaviscon didn't agree with her at all, if I recall and she ended up on the infant version of Omeprazole.

aSofaNearYou · 10/02/2023 14:54

I think the older child is a red herring here. I would expect you to do the bulk of the stuff for her and I don't agree that he's taken her on as his own and is equally responsible for her.

But he's not pulling his weight and doing enough with the baby. He should be doing more even if there wasn't another child in the mix and you were you just resting during those times.

Original poster
Cookiemonster83 · 10/02/2023 16:05

I don’t think he really wants her. He came in from work, he had her for 10 minutes sat down she stared crying because she doesn’t want to sit down. He swore are her bounced her too strong so half the bottle came up and I took her back. He is of no help whatsoever and I’m exhausted and back to pacing up and down with her in a sling.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 10/02/2023 16:17

Agree that your older child is a red herring here - I used to shove DS into DH's arms the second he got home and just run away for a few minutes peace, and DS didn't have reflux!

evenings need to be at least 50:50 with the baby, ideally more on your DH to acknowledge that your DD also needs time.

Original poster
Cookiemonster83 · 10/02/2023 16:32

Sorry what do you mean by Reg herring?

How can I help her and bath her etc with a screaming baby? I don’t expect him to bath her etc but if he doesn’t feel comfortable comforting his baby he needs to step up and help with her homework etc surely?

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 10/02/2023 16:43

Red herring = off the point.

Even if he did nothing for his DSD (not great) he should do at least 50% for your DD, which would be enough for you to feel a heck of a lot better than you do now.

Hugs. He's a git.

Mummyof287 · 10/02/2023 16:54

Yes he should! I work part time, DH full time.I take on bigger share of housework along with all the 'life admin' stuff.I get up at night all the time with toddler (she is breastfed, but if she wasn't I would do the nights I'm not working next day and we would share/him do the nights when I was) We alternate evening responsibilities- so one night I do the girls routines and he sorts the kitchen after tea/does dishwasher and tidies up toys.The next we each do the opposite.He does all the DIY.It works well for us x

Original poster
Cookiemonster83 · 10/02/2023 16:56

Ah ok yes. I don’t think he can handle the crying or the fact it’s changed his life so much. Ive been there before with the sleepless nights. I just feel a bit alone at the moment. To be fair I’m finding it really difficult and on 3 hrs sleep a night it’s breaking me. I rang the gp again and said I’m desperate and she is clearly in pain. Thankfully they have given me a prescription for Omeprazole. I hope this works. I can see underneath she is a happy baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cookiemonster83 · 10/02/2023 16:58

@Mummyof287 that sounds great. I do it all at home. Sometimes I just think can’t you empty or fill the dishwasher or pick up the toys or just something... anything.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 10/02/2023 16:59

"can’t you empty or fill the dishwasher or pick up the toys or just something... anything."

That's beyond not helping with a crying baby.

Original poster
Cookiemonster83 · 10/02/2023 17:25

Yep but if he simply doesn’t feel comfortable with crying baby he needs to pick up the slack on the housework as I’m struggling to do it all. At least it takes a bit off my plate.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 10/02/2023 17:27

Oh god, absolutely! He’s being appalling.