NC for this. Been with DH for over 20 years, 2 kids - one mid teens one in late primary. When it's good, it's amazing, but there have been many times when we have not been good. Our communication is poor around anything negative or difficult. We don't really row but stuff doesn't get dealt with properly.
My DH is quite fragile due to attachment issues from his childhood. He experiences any negative comments as a direct personal attack and thinks that it must mean I think he is a bad person. He can be very secretive and will lie to avoid confrontation. Around 10 years ago he betrayed me in quite a serious way (definitely LTB territory) that we have never fully dealt with.
Growing up I always felt loved, and was bought up to believe I didn't need to be 'perfect' to be lovable. But my parents were also quite 'pull your socks up, crying won't achieve anything' types. While I would say I am emotionally literate in that I can anticipate and understand people's emotions and can empathise, I am not good at being vulnerable and can come across as quite harsh/cold and unsympathetic.
We've done some couples therapy - it was ok but we didn't really like the therapist. For a while it helped us to reconnect and things were a lot better. But now we're drifting again. I hate this phrase, but when we're in this place he gives me the worst 'ick' and I know I'm not very nice to him. I have recovered from this before and we've been happy. Do I just need to put more effort in until it gets better again? Splitting up feels almost impossible for many reasons.