Feeling awful

[Mortified2023]

I feel so awful. I had a phone call from DS1's (14) Head of Year at school, to say DS1 had come to him in tears because he heard me & DH arguing. I feel so bad that we are damaging our child without realising 😥

Things are not great at the moment, we can't seem to stop sniping at each other. DH says that it is me & I need to 'get help', go & see a doctor. My mum is a recovering alcoholic & my nephew tried to kill himself twice & he keeps bringing them up as what will happen if I don't.

For my part, I am unhappy. But it's because I am stressed. I do pretty much everything around the house & we have had some very stressful stuff happen in the last 6 months, to the extent where nobody has been able to help or listen to me, as they had their own problems.

DH is absolutely obsessed with his health, going to the doctor & being referred for different scans & tests pretty much weekly. Leaving me to do everything else, obviously. Except football, he will do that. He coaches DS1's team, 3 times a week. He & DS1 are going to trial tonight & a match in his hometown tomorrow (130 miles away, costing about £50 in fuel to get there & back), meaning that I am stuck in the village with DS2 & 3. We won't have a car & can't spend anything at all, like buses or cafes, because then I won't have money for half term & DS3's birthday. So I am pretty bitter about that, but he says that is unreasonable. He says them going to football is the same as me working on a Saturday from 9-5, as it leaves one of us alone with the kids. I also miss family time.

I don't know what I want by posting. I just feel so sad. We have been together 22 years & we were always so close. But now I don't know if we have a future. I want to, but I don't want to be like this forever more. Maybe he's right & it is me. I don't know any more.

First off I'm sorry you're feeling so down. It sounds like you've got a lot going on.

Secondly I expect DS1 is also feeling a bit guilty as he'll feel like he's the reason you were arguing, hence being so upset.

Thirdly - your DH might be right about you needing to speak to someone about getting some help. It sounds like you've been through a lot. Although all his health worries sounds like he needs some help too (I say this as someone who had bad health anxiety in the past).

In terms of this weekend, can you plan a nice home/free day with the other 2 kids? A walk if the weather is nice, baking, a movie etc? I know that sinking feeling of a weekend stretching ahead with no plans and no money. It's really tough. But I also know I can let that feeling take over and I get really negative even though in reality there are things I could do to make it more positive.

I will absolutely do fun stuff with the little 2 this weekend. Walk to the park then come home & have a hot chocolate. I always do. But it's a world away from going to a Premier League football match & spending as much money as I have budgeted for the rest of the week. And they are hard work as DS2 has SEN. It just feels rather unfair & like more of me doing everything with no help & nothing to make it easier.

Hi OP, so sorry life is so stressful at the moment. As sniping continues, both parties feel unhappy and resentful and start to blame the other. Sniping comes from tiredness, stress and resentment. Find out why you’re sniping instead of working together as a team, and sniping usually vanishes.
It’s not helpful to say ‘it’s you causing this’ or ‘maybe it’s me’ because you say you know it never used to be like this, you were both close.
So maybe it’s the situation you’re in, the busy dynamic of three kids and trying to juggle everything? It’s bloody hard work raising children and easy to gradually fall into roles where one of you always does some things and the other always does others. I’m deliberately staying away from the blame game here as I obviously have no idea who did/ said what, but it’s not helpful to go there anyway, it will just give more ammunition for the next round of sniping for me to side with you or blame your husband.
What is obvious from your description of things to a total stranger is that this has to stop, people are hurting, and you all obviously care about each other.
The other stand out issue from your post is that you used to be close to your husband and happy, but the thing you don’t mention in everything is what the two of you find time to do together, for your relationship. It’s getting lost in life’s busyness. And it’s a recipe for doing real damage to your marriage and family.
Firstly you need to check your daily mood and see if you might be depressed, you’ve clearly had a lot to deal with and may have felt sad and stressed for so long it becomes ‘normal’ and as you slip into a depression you don’t notice that the feelings never go away. If you are concerned then see your GP. But do it for yourself, not because anyone else wants you to.
Then I think an honest talk about the family dynamic, no blaming or listing of faults, just everyone saying what stresses them the most and how you can help each other, help make life work for you so that there is time for everyone to be heard and seen, especially and including you and your husband. No matter how bad the sniping gets, people who don’t care any more don’t even bother to snipe, I think you both miss how it was and would like it back again.
I know it sounds easy to do, and people get set in their ways after 22 years, but it’s so worth it. If you find the way you were with each other and are there for each other again, life’s other crises are easier to handle.
Time for honesty and everyone to say how they feel and what they need, including the kids. I hope you find a way forward, if you were as a couple as you say you were, with some work from everyone I think you can rescue this OP. X

Instead of your H taking your DS to the football tomorrow, why don't you take him?

H can stay home with your two other DC, no car, no money and limited options of how to entertain them and you can get some quality time with your DS at the match and have some fun.

Your H can't possibly resent you for that, as he thinks it's fine for you to stay home (& what's good for the goose...) and you'll get out of the house and do something different.

It might help you both to understand the other's point of view if you literally walk in their shoes for a day.

Oh and just in case it's not 100% obvious, looking after your own DC whilst your spouse works is entirely different to looking after the Dc while your spouse is on a jolly spending family money that leave you with none.

I totally agree it's not the same at all. Do you get to do things like this too?

Sorry I wasn't trying to say you should be ok with the situation - it does sound shit.

I hope there is something to save. He was my first & only love, that must still be there somewhere. We tried a talk before. Everything was amazing for 24 hours, then back to normal. One of the main things was that he wants me to write a timetable of everything I do, so he can help. So just increasing my mental load. I haven't had time to do it. The tragedies I mention only just scratch the surface, there is so much more going on & all on me.

I don't want to take DS1 to football as I hate football, it takes so much from our lives. But it seems grossly unfair that I am stuck here,bored, skint & alone, with the 2 hardest DC 😏 But I'll cope, I always do.

Thank you for the words & things to think on. Typing this in a hurry as about to do DS3'S birthday party.

I don't get to do things like that so much. I usually have the younger 2 & he has DS1. Talking about taking him to a concert later this year. They have season tickets to football, which I dislike as it's probably £100 per month plus a whole day every time. I work every other Saturday so we don't get weekends very much, but I don't know if that's just life with older children.

Well, it's Saturday morning & DH has gone to football. Left at 10.30, back at 8 if I'm lucky. He has actually taken DS3 but DS1 is not happy about that, it's usually him & DH that do football stuff so he thinks DS3 is getting in the way.

So that leaves me with just DS2, who has SEN. He is watching YouTube then wants to go for a walk & get a hot chocolate out. Seeing as the others are having pub lunch & PL football match, I will treat him to that.

I just feel so angry with DH that all he wants to do when not working or ill, is football stuff. I feel so alone & sad. I tried not to snap this morning, but it all seems so unfair. I feel like I'm doing everything & getting no help & no reward. I can't do this any more 😔