Does my DH have ASD?

[Wondering321]

DH recently had a private diagnosis for inattentive ADHD. It wasn’t a surprise at all. It was expensive but he wanted to do it so he could help DS as he grows (not diagnosed but almost certainly has ADHD, will also be assessed for ASD) and importantly so he could try medication, as work is the real struggle for him. He has days where he achieves nothing and this really bothers/scares him.

The assessment also suggested he be assessed for ASD as he scored more than 6 out of 10 factors (don’t know what they were).

He won’t be pursuing it as it’s very very expensive, and obviously not treated with medication. He was refused to be put on the NHS waiting list for ADHD so I can’t imagine ASD would be different.

It’s shocked us both a bit and now I’m feeling in limbo a bit. DH is definitely on the introverted end of the scale. But he didn’t have any notable issues growing up, friendship wise, sensory wise, relationship wise. He was often dreamy, couldn’t concentrate etc. But was a well behaved child at school and had groups of friends. He hasn’t got hundreds of friends as an adult but he has his group of school friends and others he’s picked up along the way, work etc. He’s been a best man twice, invited on lots of stag do’s.

At home he is very forgetful, needs reminding all the time. But a very kind, hands on dad and we are a team. I carry the mental load mostly, he does a lot of the physical tasks to make up for it (he gets up every single morning with the DC as I struggle to get up more). He gets impatient with the DC when they’re not listening or when the little one is shouting at him - he really struggles with the noise then, but if the DC is just upset rather than tantrumming, he is fine with the noise and can comfort etc.

In terms of affection he likes hugs etc more than me. We don’t sit cuddled up on the sofa, we used to a bit more when younger maybe (been together 13 years) but I actually have to remind myself to hug/kiss him as I’m less bothered!

He’s also not into routines I don’t think. He doesn’t like last minute changes of plans maybe.

Can you tell me about your DHs with ASD? Is any of this familiar?

psychology-tools.com/test/autism-spectrum-quotient the aq test will give a good indication whether autism is likely present. There is a fair bit of overlap between autism and adhd but they also often co-occur.

Every autistic person is different. I don't think it's really going to help you hearing about other people's partners as you'll still be left wondering.

Thank you I will send this to him. I've done this test a few times as I'm certain I'm not 100% neurotypical and feel I have a few ADHD/ASD traits, but I always get a low score so it will be interesting to see how he scores.

Yes the overlap is interesting and confusing, I wonder if one day in the future it might change altogether. My DS seems to sit in the middle and have mostly ADHD as well as the ASD overlapping traits rather than some of the more classic ASD traits, which is why we're having him assessed for both.

I score highly for autism and medium on adhd tests, the adhd result was a surprise to me if im honest. Ds has both so I suspect I probably do too!

DH scored higher than me on that questionnaire but still well under the range.

I would recommend the AQ50 and Cat-Q on here -> embrace-autism.com/autism-tests/

But I'd also wonder why you're wondering? I've been encouraged to go to the GP and request an ADHD and ASD assessment as I score highly on all screening tests for both. But I've also noticed I've built a life that allows me to avoid most of the things I struggle with. On the face of it I look very normal but take me out of my day to day and put me into any new or unfamiliar environments and it's very different. Most of what you described about your husband could be used to describe me. I was very good at going along with what I 'should' do with no real urge to do so. Using friends at school as an example - I had friends... Until I left school. Then I immediately lost touch with them as it was purely situational, I understood that I needed friends to survive school, so I faked it and copied what everyone else did.

So, whether he has ASD or not - what would a label give you? Can you find another way to explore his strengths and weaknesses and predict his behaviour in a way that makes things better for you all as a family? I've always said I'm very predictable (my DH thoroughly disagrees), but even without a diagnosis of ASD I've been able to look at my life through a different lense and all the things I'd struggled with (and continue to struggle with) make sense and I'm able to explain them to my husband better.

When I get visibly upset that he's not folded the towels correctly - originally I'm telling him absolute hand on heart that it's because they need to fit in the drawer and that's how you fold them to do it. And the drawer needs to be tidy to enable us to get them out quickly when we need them. He's looking at me like 🤔 and then getting annoyed when I get unreasonably angry and upset when he doesn't do it correctly. I'm then confused at why I'm so upset and why he doesn't understand and is consciously doing something he knows is so upsetting to me. He's confused at why I am upset and angry at him over something so trivial.

But now that we're considering that perhaps I have ASD (and ADHD) it all starts getting easier to predict and talk about. I understand why he doesn't cry when the towels are folded 'wrong'. And he understands that I'm not genuinely trying to be difficult or horrible and we're both a lot kinder in the words we use to eachother. Plus we both then came to the conclusion that if it bothers me that much then I should probably fold them and put them away 🤣 and I agreed because I know actually that's probably best for both of us. There's about 100 of these examples - point being I couldn't articulate the "why" of lots of things. But an official diagnosis wouldn't change that.