Leaving a narcissist

[Endoftheroad12345]

I have posted before about leaving my emotionally (and at times physically) abusive husband after 20+ years together. We have 2 young DC

(I should also note that there’s no formal NPD diagnosis and I know the “narcissist” label is thrown around a lot but the more I see, the more I think it applies.)

I made the call to separate in November and we are only now physically separating into a nesting arrangement (which is probably not a great idea given the history of abuse/control, but which I am treating as a transitional step for now).

H (apparently) does not want the marriage to end, threatened suicide, huge tantrums, promises to change etc. Has been to a therapist twice and signed up for an abuse programme and went to the first session this week. I have been unmoved by these threats/promises, because I don’t think he will change and even if he did I think it’s too late for us to revive our relationship.

Just last week he screamed and swore at me (called me a fat selfish bitch (ironically bc of the stress I am the skinniest I have been in YEARS 😂)/fuck you/hope you choke on a bag if sucks and die - in earshot of the children) because we had a childcare issue and I said I need to go to work the next day. He works 100% from home. My job is more senior than his. (Admittedly the way I phrased it wasn’t particularly consultative but obviously his reaction was unhinged - by no means the first time I’ve been spoken to like that over the last 20 years).

He will then veer into behaving as if everything is normal between us.

I guess my point is - I’m rambling - how have others coped leaving men like this when there are small children involved and you need to remain in contact? He has zero, but ZERO empathy, and now I am setting boundaries with him I am the enemy. He has always been like this to the point where I suspect some sort of BPD splitting type mental issue.

it’s really confronting for me as I am starting to realise that the person I have been in a relationship with since I was 20 - the father of my kids - is emotionally stunted to the point of being sociopathic. Was there ever any love there at all? It’s a real headfuck. I am seeing a therapist who said he probably admired me for the qualities I have - driven, smart, attractive - but couldn’t love me in the way I need to be loved. But to me that suggests love as anyone would understand it is not really within his repertoire.

I’m not sure where I am going with this - I feel confident that I have made the right decision as I couldn’t fathom spending. The rest of my life being diminished and starved of affection - but it’s just really hard at the moment, especially being apart from
my kids. I was meant to have the first night in the “nest” last night but I got there and the one job he was meant to do - connect the electricity - had been fucked up (he got the address wrong) so I sat in the dark waiting for the electricity company to come out and eventually had to Uber back to the family home at 10pm. I just felt utterly defeated.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this OP - you’ve been really brave. You have achieved a lot in progressing this so, while you may feel defeated, I hope you know that feeling is part of the process and the maelstrom of emotions involved. The actions you’ve taken are concrete and their effects will outlast the feeling.

Have you spoken to women’s aid and to a solicitor? I hope you’ve had some advice on your nesting, financial arrangements etc

Your ex sounds awful (fairly typical for an abuser). Have you read the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? download on kindle app if not). Helped me more than any therapy. I wouldn’t get too hung up on specific terms or whys/wherefores - it doesn’t affect where you’ve got to and keeps you thinking about him rather than you.

Mine did a course too… a couple of times he told me about it, said he saw he needed to apologise etc. The promises he made didn’t stick - his behavior didn’t change. I hadn’t realised til he finished it how much I was hoping it would make a difference, so that was disappointing.

Sorry - rambling. Stay strong. If you’ve not had legal advice etc then do get some xx

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response @samqueens

I have read Lundy Bancroft which was both eye opening … but also confirmed everything I suspected. Unfortunately he has read it too - I know realise he has gone through every drawer, handbag, everything, looking for evidence of an affair (because of course deciding to end the marriage after 20 years of being treated like shit at regular intervals is incomprehensible!)

How long ago did you separate? How are you going? I feel more optimistic today. Ironically I am a lawyer (but so is he). The finances should be pretty straightforward as everything is joint and we earn about the same $. What really worries me is the childcare split (and the ongoing “co-parenting”).

I had drinks with a friend of mine yesterday whose partner died of a brain tumour a couple of years ago - he was a very salt of the earth truck driver and she is quite a high flying exec - she said “I know people thought we were an odd couple but he was the kindest person I’ve ever met and I just knew he really loved me” 🥺

Young me wouldn’t have got it!! But I get it now.

I’m going to PM you so I can answer properly.
Glad things look a bit less bleak in the daylight
x

My DH left his narcissistic abusive ex of 12 years who he has 2 kids with. Of course he needs to maintain a level of contact due to the DCs.

The custody split is 50/50.

It's been 3 years since they split and things have definitely gotten easier but issues still creep up now and again.

Lessons learned from my experience. Get a court order in place. Do not bank of a narcissist sticking to a verbal agreement, they will twist the rules to suit them at every turn or withhold access as punishment. If possible arrange a mediation meeting to discuss what the childcare arrangements should be. Make sure everything is covered including birthday arrangements, xmas, holidays etc., to minimise any need for discussion or negotiation.

DH had 2 mediation meetings over Skype and the mediator helped draft the childcare arrangement. DHs ex did use the meeting as an opportunity to scream and shout at DH and discuss things unrelated to the kids. DH managed to remain calm and didn't rise to her and the mediator of course is there to stop this kind of behaviour. So if you do go to mediation as hard as it may be, just remain calm and let him be all the crazy her wants. It won't go in his favour.

Grey rock, grey rock, grey rock. Block H on all platforms and communicate via email only. Do not respond to anything unrelated to kids pick up times or kids health etc. Be prepared for him badmouthing you to the kids but do not retaliate or even bring it up with him. He knows it's wrong, he doesn't need you to tell him, he's doing it to wind you up so don't let him know that it has.

Pick you battles. Unless you feel DCs lives are at risk don't sweat the small stuff. My DSDs mother never bathes her, rarely brushes her hair, puts her in clothes that don't fit or dirty clothes, gives her cookies for breakfast and cereal for dinner. As horrible as this is, DH bringing it up with her would make no difference and would just cause an argument which usually leads to further problems. DSD is not in immediate danger so we just need to suck it up.

If you continue to grey rock he'll get bored eventually. His goal is to get a rise out of you and if that doesn't happen he'll get bored of trying. I'm not saying it'll be plain sailing, there will always be issues but it does get easier over time.

Hi. Hoping someone can shed some light as so confused. Sorry if it’s a bit over the place. Am just an absolute mess.

I met my now husband at 18 and he was 32. He had three children and an incredibly volatile relationship. lots of court battles. Police reports. Social services. We got married in 2017. Within 2 weeks all 3 of his children moved in. It was obviously tough but I was beyond relieved that we could offer them a stable home. My relationship with them has a great. Always found husband to be a little lazy with them and they’d often come to me for reassurance, help with homework, friend struggled etc. liked to think they saw me
as a big sister rather than another mum. Especially as I was nearer their age than my
Husbands.

husband and I have been up and down a lot over the years and am confident it’s the children that have kept me fighting for us.

I have tried to leave many times but am always told am having a meltdown. It’s my mental health. All in my head. After Covid and kids moving in we went back to our special place in Europe where he proposed. First bit of us time in years (this was early 2022) … he spent the entire time distant and on his phone. Around 3am he was brushing his teeth at the hotel and his phone went off. Wouldn’t normally check but with his behaviour over previous days something seemed off. It was a member of staff (* @ department) sending lots of hearts and kisses. No other messages. I confronted him. He deleted the message and told me I was seeing things. This ended in a physical fight which had never happened before.

I was so hurt as he has always said he doesn’t want children. So at 18 I decided I wanted to love and support his than have my own. I felt like I’d given 12 years of my life to a man and his beautiful children only for hiM to shit on me yet again (this wasn’t the first time he had been found being inappropriate).

we had marriage counselling which was helping until he got fed up of being told it’s not for me
to apologise and that actually he’s in the wrong. He was convinced this counsellor was a man hating god lover so started lying in the sessions then laughing about it on the way home when i was upset And questioning him.

two of the 3 kids are at uni and doing amazing. The youngest just turned 18.

now nearly 18 months on I can’t bear him. When I behave in a way he’s happy with, things are ok but the problem is, I am not the meek 18 year old he met or the 24 year old he married. I would say since 29 to now I have grown up more than in the previous 10 years combined. And have this clarity… and self esteem for the first Time ever. At Xmas we had a huge row (admit I was unreasonable in this situation wanting to save a dog from being put down and not listening to him saying no) his eldest came to me after husband disappeared
for the night as a punishment (after 10
days of silent treatment and shoving me out of bed). He said for a long time he’s been uncomfortable with how his dad has treated me. What he’s seen marriage do to me as a person. And that I deserve to be happy and I can do better. To clarify he loves his dad and not hostile etc.

so weekend gone, I found the courage to leave after being damaged beyond belief. I waited for him to be out and packed my essential belongings in one hour. Back to mum and dads. Left him, our youngest, my home; my dogs. I left a note saying to not contact me. Blocked him. I am now recieving
emails from him calling me disgusting and his mum calling and texting calling me
a coward.

i “realised” over the past 6 months that although im not scared of him physically hurting me i think my
marriage was abusive. Now after these texts and emails i feel maybe im the narcissist and dont know how to move forward. If its me i want help but am sure it’s him. He’s said the kids are disgusted with me and don’t want to see me but our eldest has text today reassuring I am family and he loves me. Such a mess and am confused as thought id finally realised i wasn’t the problem but know back to square one.

sorry it’s so much ramble. Am panicking and confused. Want to be a good person but feeling horrendous about my actions.

@Cb93 you need to start your own separate thread. You will get better traction that way, and at the same time, you won’t derail the OP’s post.

Just did that thank you. Was my intention but evidently am not great at tech!!

Hi all @Cb93 @samqueens

I forgot that I posted this, and re reading it brings back memories of how stressful my life was this time last year.

@Cb93 I can’t imagine why you would stay with him. You sound young enough to have an amazing second phase of life, children of your own if you want, and to maintain a relationship with his kids if you want to? Run and don’t look back.

My own experience has been pretty gruelling but I’ve never regretted my decision to leave for a second. My idea that the financial settlement would be “pretty straightforward” was delusional. Ex H reamed me on every cent. Thank God I have a good job. We finally reached agreement on the finances before Christmas and I bought him out of the family home. He never put up any kind of fight over the kids and officially has them EOW. The insistence he would have them 50:50 was all complete bullshit - just an attempt to force me to stay.

The kids are in therapy (as am I) to process the emotional (and at times physical) abuse we suffered and witnessed.

He has a new gf who is distracting him. She is similar to me in many ways, in fact she is a former colleague 🫠 - I feel sorry for her but she is old enough to make her own choices.

I have started a new relationship with an old flame. It is so unexpected and a reasonably unconventional arrangement (LDR) but we are so happy - he is so kind and we get on so well. We message constantly and talk for hours like teenagers (he was my boyfriend when I was 17 - in 1999!). I am really really happy and feel I am experienced real love for the first time. Being with him is like coming into a warm cosy house after being outside in the snow. Who knew love could be so easy and fun?!

Even apart from DP who was such an un expected gift from the universe - I am happy alone. The kids and I have so much fun now without tiptoeing around on eggshells. Our house is happy and calm now.

Ending my marriage was the hardest and most courageous decision of my life, and apart from my amazing children, the thing in my life I am most proud of. Life can be so happy, don’t waste it.

Congratulations, @Endoftheroad12345. It's so good to hear back! Wishing you and your children continued calm happiness.

@Endoftheroad12345 Thank you for the update - this is all such great news, well done for getting through to the other side of all that awfulness. It’s reassuring to hear about the 50/50 thing going away - it’s just hateful that they so often do that (or the full custody bs), when (indeed because) it’s the one biggest scariest thing for so many mums.

Really glad to hear you and the children are settled and happier, and that you have been able to stay in the house. Enjoy your freedom!!

xxx