How do I cope on my own if I leave my partner?

[Idontgetthis]

My oh is one of these selfish, lazy, petulant man child types that you read about on here so often. I was stupid to get with him and have a kid with him but I had poor mental health and low self esteem after a lifetime of abuse so I didn’t know any better at the time and it’s too late to change things now.

I’m disabled and mostly housebound so I can’t really look after my dd on my own. I have no family since they were really abusive until I cut ties. I don’t have any friends left thanks to a really controlling and violent relationship I was in previously were he isolated me any way he could.

If I leave my oh then I won’t see my dd much at all as I can’t physically look after her very well and he won’t bring her to see me for just a few hours. Social services are absolutely no help, I’ve begged and pleaded and chased them up for 3 years straight and gotten nowhere with them because DD has one physically capable parent.

He’s quite emotionally abusive half the time and doesn’t look after DD properly, wont feed her anything apart from crisps and chocolate and McDonald’s and freezer food. Puts her in awful mismatched clothes so I have to redress her most days and promises to bath her but never washes her hair so I have to redo that as well. He doesn’t help with the cleaning at all. I do everything all by myself basically even though I’m so unwell but he does the school runs and he gets up with her in the morning because my disability means that I find it impossible to wake up before 8am. He doesn’t work and refuses to learn how to drive so I have to keep going out in the car which makes me more unwell which means I can do even less with DD.

But since she wakes up at 4:45am and I can’t wake up until 8am it means she wouldn’t be safe sleeping at my house without him there (she’s 6).

What do I do? Feel like I’m gonna be stuck with him forever but he makes me so miserable and he constantly tries to bicker and cause arguments or put me down all right in front of DD and it’s not right to subject a child to that. It would also be a really, really lonely life for me leaving since I can’t really leave the house or do anything to take my mind off things.

OP - I’m so sorry to read your post. You’re in a horrible position - it sounds really, really tough.

I don’t think I have a magic bullet here at all and I’m sure wiser posters will be along. But I would try and find a moment when you’re alone to call women’s aid and talk through your situation with them. If he is abusive to you and neglectful to your DD then I would really like to think there’s support out there, and a way for you to get out of the relationship even if it’s not immediate. But even just taking the step of reaching out and investigating what’s possible might help make you feel a bit less powerless.

I always bang on and on about this book called Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft (you can download on kindle app). It’s really insightful about domestic abuse and I found it really empowering. Reading it won’t change what’s happening to you and there’s obviously a lot of complexity in your situation, but it could help give you more confidence in your sense of the dynamic you’re living with.

I’m so sorry - this is massively inadequate as a response. It’s brave to reach out online. I just wanted you to know that someone’s listening.

That sounds really tough. A lot of the situation with your daughter is age dependent though. Yes, she can't be left for 4 hours on her own at 6, but when she's 8/9 I doubt she'll still be waking that early and would be able to entertain herself if she did. Not massively helpful for right now, but definitely not a forever problem either. If you were able to live right by her school (I don't know if that's possible) then that might avoid the issue of needing him to bring her to you- she can just walk by herself.

School won't allow a child that age to go into school alone, or leave alone @Pirrin even if they lived nextdoor.

Definitely call women's aid OP. If is abusive so they should be able to give advice on how you can leave.

One you have left ask social services to do a needs assessment and a carer's assessment for you (they legally have to when requested) and then you should be able to apply for a support package so you can get a personal assistant to help you and to help look after DD when you can't. SS are bloody useless though so I expect that would take some time.

He will not be able to stop you seeing her, courts will not allow that. I'd also look into jobs where you can WFH even if just a few hours so you can support yourself and her better.

It sounds like such a difficult situation. I hope women's aid can advise you. Nobody should have to live with an abusive partner and social services are being negligent refusing to support you in leaving him and therefore forcing you to let a child witness that. I'd also raise a formal complaint about that.

What are your health conditions? Are you getting the right medical care?

He has managed to separate you from friends and support. You will be able to start rebuilding those friendships, or finding new friends, once you away from him too.

Thanks everyone, it’s nice to feel validated. I often feel as though I’m expected to just get on with it, I’d mothers are supposed to push through anything to do what’s best for our children and it’s beyond frustrating that I just physically can’t.

I’ve asked him to leave before and that’s when social services did their needs assessments and said that there was nothing they could help with because I don’t need help with my personal care, it’s the mornings and the school runs that are the issue and there’s nothing that they can do.

@Livinghappy it’s Myalgic encephalomyelitis which has become very severe after a Covid infection last year. There’s no treatment available other than ‘do as little as possible and learn that living in a messy house eating convenience food is acceptable’. I could push through it for a few days but then I’d wind up paralysed in bed for several weeks afterwards, it’s so frustrating. There’s several possible cures currently being trialled but there’s no knowing what might happen with that until next year. I’m hopeful but not relying on it just yet!

It was my ex partner who isolated me from friends. I live in a different city now and it feels impossible to make new friends when I can’t leave the house - I can manage maybe one or two trips out a week and obviously those are filled up with Doctors appointments and taking DD anywhere she needs to go. That’s one of the biggest issues really, I can’t just go join some clubs or volunteer somewhere or chat to other mums at the school gates, I’m just stuck inside the house totally alone all day every day and oh is the only person I have to talk to. It feels very catch 22.

It may be the case that your CFS improves a lot after you get rid of the dead weight and stress from your DP.

A few studies have started to come out linking some of these conditions to stress and abuse.

I agree with PP above, your illness may improve after you get him out of your life. That was my experience. Your body may be trying to tell you something! I know that is not easy in your situation. Do you have family you could move in with or rely on a bit more?

Maybe you'd be able to get some carer support and taxis set up for the kids?

Best of luck OP.

So sorry to find yourself in the situation O.P, it sounds very tough. No real advice but just to echo what P.Ps have said; definitely contact Woman's Aid, they shoul be able to offer advice and emotional support. Agree with others, if you can get your abusive, lazy partner out of your life you may well find that recovery from your illness is possible.