Miss husband- separated

[Choochose]

I don’t know what’s wrong with me but extremely difficult break up involving court, past abuse etc
i miss my ex husband terribly. He did some horrible things and doesn’t take any accountability so I don’t know why I feel like this
we don’t speak at all aside from directly about the children but I miss him so much. I think his issues are all around alcohol and truly don’t believe he’s a bad person deep down, he’s just got his own demons

I will never meet another man- I couldn’t ever be in another relationship because even after all of this I still love him. I went to a spa day with my friends and had to leave early as found it so sad as we’d do that together

I don’t know how to stop feeling like this, I have been having counselling through a domestic violence organisation but I actually think it’s making me feel worse and it’s brought up so many mixed feelings

I don’t know why I’m posting really. Just had to tell someone as I could never say this to anyone else

Counselling always make things feel worse at first because you have to focus on and confront the issue. It isn’t an easy answer, it’s something you have to work hard at.

Sorry you feel like this OP
It’s natural to miss people we love(d)

In the past I have sometimes indulged that feeling and had a good cry. Usually then interrupted by my brain reminding me why they are an ex. Sometimes I can distract myself listening to inspiring podcasts/YT videos etc. Also new hobbies etc. things you couldn’t do when you were with them because they ruined it in some way etc

It will diminish over time.

Treat yourself to nice things like flowers (or something you prefer!) when you’re struggling.

congratulations on your escape x

its just a natural part of the grieving process and those feelings will fade - just takes time. Just do things that make you feel good.

Look up and read about Trauma Bonds

I don't know about trauma bonds but grief sounds similar to what you are suffering. You have lost the man you hoped he was and the relationship you hoped to have (and even thought you could count on). Be kind to yourself and do whatever helps.

Try to keep doing the things you enjoyed together (like the spa).

Accept that at first it will be (very) painful but keep going.
Don't lose all the good things along with the loss of this one person. Make new memories and new associations with the parts of your life he used to share.

I won't tell you that you will meet someone else or that you will be happy again. Just now you don't want someone else. How could you? Someone else wouldn't be the him you miss. People are not interchangable.

However, I do think that people who are warm and loving and feel deepest loss most acutely are actually the most likely to find themselves feeling warm loving things again.

'The sun will sometimes melt a field of sorrow
that seemed hard frozen; may it happen for you'

It is likely a trauma bond which is common in abusive relationships. It is worth reading about and recognising what it is. It takes time but you can and will over come it. Positive affirmations and mindfulness may help your healing

OP it's OK to grief this relationship and to acknowledge that you miss him.
Iy doesn't mean you made a wrong decision in separating.

You say his issues are around alcohol but you must know deep down it's not true. We all have access to alcohol. If someone drinks excessively or gets abusive after drinking then it's a symptom of serious issues that are already there. And like you said he didn't even take accountability for his actions. This is who he is.