My horrible historic choices in men

[happyin2023]

I'm doing a bit of work on myself , well a lot really.

I've recently come out of a three year relationship where once again I emptied myself in every way and received very
Little care, relatively.

In fairness, I did end it when I got sick and he was useless and selfish.
He said a now tormenting me to get back as he has lost a lot in every way .
So my point here is that my self worth and self esteem can't be that bad. I never will be with him again. I have no feelings for him whatsoever.

The work I'm doing on myself through counselling/ psychotherapy is showing up as me being the child who was never enough, the one who was expected to caretake along with my mother, I was described as selfish when I didn't come home from uni to help raise my siblings with my mother.
I essentially was a disappointment . Adored by my father although he was absent in most ways for a lot of my childhood. My mother resented me I think.
My mother was very independent before she married and she married late.
She never intended to marry but then did and had several children. She found herself, a free sprit, as a reluctant SAHM. My father was a traditionalist and there was other conflict. He was also an alcoholic, albeit dry from my early teens.
My only brother was treated as a God by my dad and got away with everything by my mother. So that's my childhood, if it's relevant .

I was married for 20 years. Found myself enabling a useless husband and father who enjoyed the label of husband and father but not the work that comes with it.
By the time he fucked off and had an affair, I was utterly resentful and icked out. I had as little respect for him as he did for my kids and I . He did me a favour.
Again, I was used as a reluctant domestic servant for him yet the main earner and he wouldn't hear of me working part time.
I just went along with it . I'm sure you can guess that had no dealings with domestic or family life but pestered me for sex. That was a huge issue for him as I was so obviously disinterested in him.

I'm sorry this is long but I wanted to give context for anyone kind enough to read this and reply.
Why have I always ended up with deadbeats. It's like I had a sign in my head saying' treat me like shit'.

It was like I slept walked through life and allowed men( and severely ex bfs along the way) to treat me as unequals with entitlement and lack of respect and ultimately love ....

If You knew me, you'd say I was confident, strong, resilient and giving not an absolute fool for man babies.

Thanks if you got this far.

Well that's good that you've realised what's gone wrong in the past. Are you thinking of trying to date again then? Or are you processing everything first?

I have absolutely no intention of dating until I've resolved this and sorted all of this out in my head .

Well, your upbringing is the explanation really - you've always been cast as the caretaker and not good enough, while the men & boys in your family were prioritised and enabled.

It takes a lot of unlearning because it's kind of bone-deep. But you're on your way.

You were abandoned and resented during childhood by the people who should have loved, cared and supported you emotionally. This narrative is what you’re replaying in all your relationships since. You’ve had to be the ‘strong’ and capable one, because you have had to learn resilience, but too much resilience alienates us from intimacy and vulnerability. You’ve picked men who abandon and resent you - you then dissociate from them until they abandon you.

I won't be able to afford this psychotherapy for much longer.

How can I help myself to make sure I never end up in this position again?

I love love and really hope to have a partner again, ina few years maybe when I'm better and have less familial responsibility. I want to vulnerable and open to a healthy equal relationship in the far future.

I've really noticed a shift in how I react when emotionally which I'm delighted about. I don't over react or catastrophise anymore and am very present when triggered especially in anger. As in, I stop, breathe, think and rationalise and THEN respond whereas before I used to go off on one especially when I felt injustice towards myself or others close to my heart.

The weird thing is ... I never got angry with my exh or woth ex partner and that concerned my therapist . Could it be that simply our, I was relieved to see the back of the two of them ?

Thanks for all of your responses . I really a grateful as I need some objective opinions.

Is there a label on this type of behaviour. I'd love to listen to a podcast or find a book or similar .

You might find Women Who Love Too Much a helpful read, OP. Good luck on your journey.

Similar story here. I haven't had psychotherapy but learnt so much from recommended podcasts and YouTubers.

Insight podcast.
Lisa Romano, Dr Ramani, Crappychildhood fairy on YouTube.

Excellent suggestions.
I also love Patrick Teahan and Therapy in a Nutshell YT channels.
And I highly recommend Pete Walker's book Complex PTSD : From Surviving To Thriving. I have never been officially diagnosed with cPTSD but it was still immensly helpful.

@IamtheElephant Thank you, always looking for other recommendations. I will check out those too.

I remember having that book a while back. I gave it to someone but remember having long pauses as it resonated so deeply.

As in, I stop, breathe, think and rationalise and THEN respond whereas before I used to go off on one especially when I felt injustice towards myself or others close to my heart.
This is one "symptom" of someone who is not able to deal with conflict - who is so fixated on trying to avoid conflict that they bottle up their feelings, and when it does come out, they are not good at expressing it (and associate it with fear and helplessness) so it can come out in the form of rage, and they might embarrass themself.

In fact, everything you describe sounds to me like conflict avoidance. In a relationship, it often leads to the conflict-avoidant person holding back their feelings - even from their partner. They then go along with what their partner wants, but a feeling of resentment gradually builds up as they are constantly doing things that they don't really like. (The partner may not even realise what's going on - or may take advantage.) That resentment does often lead to the "ick", as well as the toxic open rage as described above: the conflict-avoidaant person finds it really hard to have a calm chat about issues, or even to have an argument and then calm down again afterwards.

Conflict avoidance can come about in childhood, e.g. if the child has no means of standing up to their parent, and/or has to placate an angry parent.

Disclaimer: the above is pure armchair psychology, obviously!

@80s I love your armchair psychology! You have just described how I was in relationships.

You have described me to a tee !
This is exactly how I react.
Every. Single. Time.
I feel a type of rage and anger for those who are vulnerable and treated badly and work with vulnerable children.
I have always felt like I'm some type of advocate for these children and while that's my job per se, I get attached to the ' cause'.
I wonder how I can treat this.
I listened to a brilliant yet video this morning about the inner wounded children and how to reparent that child. It struck me on every level.

There was no place for expressing me
Needs or feelings. If I did I was selfish and uncaring towards my other siblings and was less favoured by extended family in favour of other siblings also. I never felt really loved but especially liked. I mean I knew my mother loved me in the sense that she met my basic needs but I we didn't have that bond that the others had with her or indeed that I have with my own children.
In an argument, I flee and then come back fawning shock kills me from a self respect point of view.
It kills me because I hate that I do this but my opinions matter less that being disliked by the person IAm in conflict with.
I wish o could try to heal this. I don't want to behave like that.

I listened to a brilliant yet video this morning about the inner wounded children and how to reparent that child.
Maybe this is based on one of the books that my armchair psychology comes from - "The Child in You" by Stefanie Stahl? It's in that book under "self-protection strategy: keeping the peace and overadjustment". She talks about your "shadow child" a lot. I know it from her podcasts, but they are all in German - only this book of hers has been translated.

It was Dr Dawn Elise Snipes I think .

I'm sorry about your childhood, you deserved better from your parents. Your foundations have not been built properly because of the neglect you experienced as a child, which was entirely the fault of your parents. You sound like a lovely, intelligent person and I'm really glad you have released yourself from your exh and ex partner (s). They weren't good enough for you and you realised that.

I just wanted to share something that helped me. When I was younger, late 20's, I remember asking myself a similar question to yours about why I kept choosing shitty men who didn't seem to really care about me. A very wise older friend said "Lessons are repeated until learned". Meaning, until you do the work on yourself and figure out the why, you will keep choosing these types of men. It was very empowering and it became my mantra. I stayed single for years mostly (dated a bit but happily said thanks but no thanks to newbies who I could see were similar to previous wastrels), happily really enjoyed my life just doing stuff for me, travelling, working, trying new things, spending time with family and friends, etc, thinking about and building up my own sense of self and about what in my own childhood had lead me to believe I wasn't worthy. I realised that although I had two very loving parents and a big family who all loved and cared for each other, there were cracks in my parents relationship that had affected me. I had an older sister who was very pretty, intelligent, just adorable in everyway and I was the younger, rabble-rousing, not pretty daughter. Lots of people (not really my parents but sometimes unintentionally they did) would comment and compare, even teachers, on how "different" were were, how much quieter and nicer she was, how better she was than me. This effected my badly, so I had a lot of sibling jealously and poor self image feelings to work through. When I met my now DH through work, I was ready. I have two young children now and I work very consciously, every day, on making sure they have solid foundations of love and care, to break the chain. I also have the best relationship with my beautiful older sister, all because I worked through it. Some face to face therapy, online therapy, books, time, writing things down, diary, etc.
You're future is bright, I wish you all the best of happiness, you deserve it.

Your video lady has a similar approach though, by the sound of it - you work out what exactly it is your inner child is afraid of, then speak to that child with a compassionate but rational adult voice. She talks about "catching" yourself having the child's reaction and reframing the situation as an adult.

I have the same problem, and it is hard to get rid of, isn't it? With my current partner I've been making a deliberate effort to say what I think, and he's either defended his view reasonably, or stepped down and apologised. The child in me is amazed by this behaviour! I'm not sure if this is working mainly because he's good at conflict, because I'm learning to do it differently, or because we don't live together and are past the family-building stage so I feel safer taking the risk.

I've worked out that I'm afraid of people saying nasty things to me .
It hurts me so much. I've carried all nasty comments with me all my life . I have the memory of an elephant sadly.
I literally freeze emotionally as can almost feel it physically in my nervous system. Then I fawn

I'm afraid of people saying nasty things to me
My main problem has always been with criticism. Weirdly enough, though, since I broke up with my exh, I feel kind of over that, as the breakup involved him criticising just about every possible aspect of me he could come up with. I had therapy for that, and through the therapy (and my own thoughts) finally came to properly believe that people can and will think and say all they like, and I don't have to defend myself.
But basically, yes, this can be behind the avoidance - e.g. you always had to be a good girl to keep your parents quiet, or you tried to be a good girl to squeeze some praise out of them, so your inner mantra is "nice = no conflict = acceptance". Which is wrong: in adult, real life, people often like you a lot more if you disagree with them - they know where they are with you, then. They know you won't be passive-agressive, you'll say what you think.