Feeling unattractive

[SometimesMaybeNever]

I've been in a relationship for around 15 months.

I'm really struggling with how I feel about my body.

I don't feel attractive. I don't see how he could be attracted to me. I love him and he loves me but, when he says it, it just leaves me cold because I don't see how it's possible. I don't see how he can be happy with me when I'm so unattractive. I don't understand how he couldn't want to be with someone more attractive.

He occasionally suffers from ED. He's nearing 60. He spoke to me about it early on and said it was nothing to do with me and just a feature of getting old and, to begin with, I was fine with it. But the more time goes on the more I think that, if he founde attractive, it wouldn't happen. I know it's not about me. But what if sometimes it is?

I feel so awful about myself now that I'm avoiding sex because I just feel like a fraud who has no right to be having sex or behaving as though I have a right to have sex when I'm so unattractive.

I drove to work this morning thinking about how I have to break up with him because I don't see how this can get better. It's not fair on him and I feel unhappy, self conscious and uncomfortable all the time.

If I broke up with h for this reason, I know that I wouldn't go out with anyone else because I'd just feel this way then too.

I don't know what to do.

Oh OP.

If you have the money you could maybe get therapy, but this is a common experience women have. It is having a severe impact on your life though as it's making you feel like you can't have a partner.

If I feel unattractive I remind myself of all the millions of people in the world who are less attractive than me. For instance I say to myself 'I don't have X, Y, or Z as part of my appearance' which are not considered attractive.

The same goes for your figure. There are probably many women in this world with a far less conventionally attractive figure than you.

Your partner is probably just getting old, as he said. Most men get some ED as they get older.

You need to speak to someone about this. I assume there's other things going on in your life that have led to this, or is it all down to your reflection?

If it's the latter, then you're not alone. None of us are happy with how we look when we start getting old. I'm approaching ,60 and went through a tough time with my reflection. I didn't like the grey, then white hair. I didn't like the wrinkles and the sagging bits. It got me down.

Then I thought, screw it, I'm alive and I'm not looking too terrible for my age. I changed my hair style and determined to get fit. I've bought myself some skin products and some new clothes. I feel better for these changes and realising that life is what it is and I've got to get used to it.

Also, my partner is going through the same thing and they're not making a big deal about it and my parents are bloody old looking and they're still happy with each other. So don't forget your partner is old and will be feeling the same things. It's not all about you. And making his ED about you would really upset him I think.

I assume he's never said you look unattractive and I assume you've never said the same to him (though he's of the age where he will think it). So deciding he "must" and that you have to leave him because you seem to think you're unattractive is not sensible and not fair on him.

Also, you're still getting sex, despite him having ED (and that must be hard for him (no pun intended)). Think about him and stop looking in the mirror. Get some help and maybe talk to him about how you feel. I'm sure he won't say you're ugly, the same way it doesn't sound like you would say the same about him.

Remember, there's no getting away from being old and looking old. We all go through it - if we are lucky. Many thousands of people never get to see a grey hair because they're already dead, so we should give ourselves and our reflections a break.

OK so first off, give me a list of 6 things about him, in general, that your really like. Anything, the first thing that comes to mind about him.

Now - how many of those things were about the way he looked? One or two? And those appearance things...are they more like 'his ass' or more like 'his warm smile' ?

See, appearance is actually much less important in the grand scheme of things. Once we love someone. We love silly little things about them like...their 'confused' face when they do a crossword puzzle or the way their hair poofs out when they first dry it after a shower.

So even if you aren't conventionally attractive, he clearly sees the parts of you that are. You just need practice to do the same.

So, second task, find a mirror and look at yourself. Tell yourself out loud one thing you like about your appearance. Then, also tell yourself 2 things you like about your personality or anything else about you. But do so as if you complementing someone else. And thank your reflection afterwords.

Going forwards, make time every other day to meet yourself in the mirror like this and pick a compliment. It can be any little thing.

Repetition of being nice to yourself is key.

Final task, when anyone gives you a nice compliment - accept it. Say thank you. And take them at their word. When people qct like you are lovable and to be loved, believe them,because you are.

Sounds like you define your self worth by what you see in the mirror.

That's a common issue but very flawed

If you can afford it, get some therapy to learn why you do this and explore how to improve your sense of self in other ways. Your appearance is only skin deep no matter what society makes out. Your dp clearly values you for who you are as well as how you look. You need to learn to value yourself. Its not easy when society makes out you're only attractive when you're young or got a symmetrical face or whatever, but find your inner worth and then your appearance won't upset you so much.

Spottycarousel

I probably do. When I was growing up nothing mattered as much as the fact I wasn't pretty. I did well at school, I played several instruments and helped run the lower school choir, I was a 'good girl' (too scared to he anything else tbh). I've got two children ive mostly raised alone. My second was premature and is thriving now, I was terribly ill when I was pregnant with her and we nearly lost her and all my mum cared about was the fact I was a size 12 by then and no longer a 10. She said getting married and having a second child was pointless because "he'll only leave you." She was right of course. But it wouldn't have happened, in her eyes, if I'd been slimmer and prettier. Apparently, I wasn't 'well behaved' enough to compensate for my lack of looks.

Your last post gives an insight as to why you have the native view about yourself that you do (sadly).

Your mum sounds like a really nasty cow. Ignore her. She is not "right of course". Size 12 is slim. Even if it wasn't, many men like more curvaceous women.

Honestly, your mum has really detrimentally affected your life (mine did the same). It's well over due that you moved on. You have a partner and you've had partners, so you're not some unlovable nightmare. Hell, I used to be gorgeous and proud still left me. It's not all looks...

Parents really do fuck up their kids. There's nothing wrong with you x

Pinkbonbon

Thank you.

Things I like about him? His confidence and self assuredness. I know he has insecurities but they never show; he has found the perfect balance between never having quire grown up (still fun, youthful and definitely not a grumpy old man!) and being a fantastic parent to his kids (genuinely took on a 50/50 role rasing them because of his and his ex wife's work patterns), his sense of humour, kindness, compassion, resilience, he has great hair.

But I know how much more looks matter to men.

I know the things I think are attractive about myself but they are things that I don't think are important. I can live with my face but my body repulses me.

FenghuangHoyan

I know that what you're saying is logically correct but they way I feel feels logically correct too.

I've gone from thinking 'fuck it', I don't look bad for my age, two children, 3 years breastfeeding and feeling confident walking around naked in front of him (after doing all sorts of work on myself over the years and therapy) to feeling 'small' and ugly and undeserving.

My need to be covered up and hide myself has reached ridulous levels. You know when you're a small child and you worry someone us going to tickle your armpits? And the feeling is so severe that if they come near you, you clamp your arms to your side and physically can't move them even if you ry? Covering myself has reached those levels. I can't bare for him to touch me sometimes. Right now, I have to have had a few drinks and I only drink on a Saturday night if we go out.

He tells me that he loves me and that I'm beautiful - all the things he's supposed to say. But the voice in my head shouts back and drowns it out. I can feel the disgust rising and I block out his words. It feels like a lie or mockery. It feels like something I need to protect myself against.

I can't watch films, even on my own, that have sex or nudity in them. The levels of anxiety I feel and self talk required isn't worth it. We watched something last night. I have to practice 'triangular breathing' for the whole film (even when I've checked the content before watching). Just in case. In the end, I usually fall asleep. I suppose because eventually the adrenaline wears off and leaves me tired.

It's hard to explain. I don't have an issue with him looking at another woman and thinking she's attractive or whatever, it's what it says about or means for me that is the problem. It's how it impacts on how I feel about myself that is problematic.

If I feel unattractive I remind myself of all the millions of people in the world who are less attractive than me. For instance I say to myself 'I don't have X, Y, or Z as part of my appearance' which are not considered attractive.

I used to do this. I had a friend many, many years ago who said if you feel like this in a roomful of ordinary women, look around you for 3 women who are 'better' than you. Not women who have nicer hair or bigger boobs but 3 women who, in every respect, are more attractive than you. You won't be able to find them.

She was right and, as much as I don't judge others on appearance, I still do it sometimes and I've never found those three women in one room. But I'm also aware that, some of those features you tell yourself or someone else might say to herself "at least I'm not/don't have x, y or z" I will have those.

I've read it on here when there are what do like about yourself type threads.

Some of those things have always been commented on negatively.

I don't think you really understand men and what attracts and arouses them but that's not the root problem. It's clear your upbringing has really damaged you and I think you urgently need professional help. These feelings are fairly extreme, you seem to have a really decent partner who will help you, it's time you got this sorted out. Good luck.

There's nothing wrong with you x

even if that's true, my physical responses are so extreme now that I don't know how to overcome it.

Eg I try to push the thoughts out, I try to replace them with positive thoughts but all my effort is going on that. I've started trying to hide myself during sex which I didn't do before. And my whole body just shuts down.

In MN terms, I give myself the ick

I bought some new underwear recently. The only bra I could find in my size that fit nicely was deep red silk and lace. It's lovely. Well I like it anyway - its M&S so not trashy. But I feel too ashamed to let him see me in it because I don't feel I deserve to wear nice underwear. I don't want him to think I think I look nice in it. Or that it makes up for how I look.

He did accidentally catch sight of me in it the other day. He just said it was a really nice colour. I don't know whether thats because he did think it was too nice for me, even nice underwear can't compensate for how unattractive I am or whether I've already subconsciously trained him to not compliment me now.

Rating yourself on your physical appearance seems really shallow

On the contrary, I've been listening loud and clear my whole life and not just to my mum.

I've listened to men too. What I've got loud and clear over the years is that they see potential initially but then they get a bit closer and they don't like what they find. This is too much or that is not enough. Or they don't mind X or have learnt that Y isn't important.

I don't know which of us they're trying to convince more.

It definitely sounds like you need some therapy to address the root cause of the pain you feel around your body. It's at the level of needing professional help

I do understand somewhat because I have never felt the most attractive person and I take an absolutely awful photo to the point I hate looking at myself in photos. My body is ok, it's my face. I've been told I'm attractive beautiful etc but I don't see it. I'm still not 100% about my face but I don't care in the same way anymore. I accept myself. I'm in my 40s and I can now see that I actually looked pretty in my twenties but I couldn't see it at the time. But even knowing that I don't really care anymore. My worth is in who I am as a person. I'm going to continue aging, look decrepit and eventually die. But I can work on being the person I want to be and that's my essence which others will remember when I'm gone, not my large nose or sagging skin.

I really do feel that with a good therapist you would benefit a lot by exploring how your mother made you feel about yourself. You can find your own value and be free of your past. It will take time and courage but you can.

I really do feel that with a good therapist you would benefit a lot by exploring how your mother made you feel about yourself. You can find your own value and be free of your past. It will take time and courage but you can.

I've had therapy in the past. It's how I think I'm still here tbh.

It's not going to change what I see though.

I know my worth as a person outside of this. I know strengths and my weaknesses and I'm comfortable with those now too.

I'm also OK with ageing. I don't worry about lines starting to appear or not being a I'm as I was. The things that bother le have always bothered me. I used to fantasise about slicing parts of myself off. I don't do that anymore!

I'm at a place where I'm comfortable enough in and with myself to function in my own life but exposing myself - literally and metaphorically - in a relationship just feels like more than I can do.

OP, regardless of past therapy l do think from what you have said that you need more. You say you are OK with aging and that you know your worth but there is something deep here that needs to be healed. Almost certainly it stems from those cruel comments from your abusive and judgemental mother, but with the help of a good therapist you should be able to overcome the shame that she made you feel and which has had a lasting effect on how you see yourself.

Sounds almost like a sort of martyr complex.

For example, when someone in your life has been repeatedly cruel to you, you start to be cruel to yourself. To sort of, beat them to the punch.

You expect judgement and cruelty from others and think if they are nasty about things you already judge yourself harshly for, it'll hurt less.

But ultimately you get stuck in this spiral of self loathing. When the best course of action would have been to walk away from nasty people as soon as you could. But now, it's almost as if you carry them with you whereever you go.y

You've lost your own voice and internalised theirs.

It is very deep. To meet me, I don't think you would ever know. Other people don't seem to see it at all but I carefully curate and managed life so that I'm not threatened by it. It feels like relationships threaten my fragile security.

Pinkbonbon

I think there's a lot of truth in that.

Especially this bit...

You expect judgement and cruelty from others and think if they are nasty about things you already judge yourself harshly for, it'll hurt less.

The absolute worst time was when I was feeling quite confident in myself. Two men I sort of knew were invited out with a group of my friends. I'd lost weight (back to a 10), was taking care of myself, had had hair done. I looked nice. I felt confident and part way through the evening they were running me down to the others and criticising me for an aspect of my appearance.

They were never invited out with us again but because I was feeling so confident and sure of myself, it was a far greater fall. And I couldn't just ignore them or think "What wankers" or whatever because it was the same thing I've been taught to be ashamed of and my mum criticised me for since I was about 10 years old.

My boyfriend never criticises me or says anything negative about my appearance but, sadly, I hear it implied in what he does say or I hear it in what is left unsaid. I couldn't talk to him about it because I'm not sure I could survive it if he did say something negative or even factual. It would destroy me.

But I'm also aware that, some of those features you tell yourself or someone else might say to herself "at least I'm not/don't have x, y or z" I will have those.

@SometimesMaybeNever I mean, some people have a severe disfigurement or something. That doesn't compare to someone not being as slim as they would like and not having a model's face, or the fairly common variations you or I might have.

I don't want to list the things or it might be sensitive to some people here, but there are many you probably see in daily life occasionally who have some visible thing considered a disfigurement. And at least we're not this poor guy or one of many other examples.

Here is a list of visible disfigurements you can consider www.changingfaces.org.uk/about-visible-difference/types-visible-difference/ Helps put it in perspective.

it was the same thing I've been taught to be ashamed of and my mum criticised me for since I was about 10 years old.
My boyfriend never criticises me or says anything negative about my appearance but, sadly, I hear it implied in what he does say or I hear it in what is left unsaid. I couldn't talk to him about it because I'm not sure I could survive it if he did say something negative or even factual. It would destroy me.

This isn't good OP. Definitely get therapy. Your doctor can put you on the list if you can't afford it yourself (it's worth prioritizing if you could possibly afford it- I paid for EMDR (which I think would help you) through my disability payments, I'm unable to work.

And go no contact with your mum if you haven't already.

It's not going to change what I see though.

EMDR therapy can accomplish things other therapy doesn't. It might change how you see yourself or how much you care about it- it'll definitely lessen the sting of your emotions about it.

Have you ever heard of body dysmorphia? That’s a psychological condition wherein you magnify your perceived flaws. I think it’s linked to depression or anxiety, not sure. Well I have it. Start by finding another good therapist and if your body bothers you, start some sort of exercise routine or such, try different hair styles etc. don’t just give in to this. I always feel better if I fight back. Also, people may not b e focusing on your shortcomings so much as you are. Personality factors into how you are perceived also. Please try to take a different look at this situation. Best of luck.😍

You are so worthy of him. Because what makes a person precious to us is ultimately their personality. Your more than a body. You are you. Your kindness. Your humour. Your love and support. Your thouts and views.. That's exactly what makes someone truly connect and then sex etc follows.

I'm 35 so fairly young. But I look in the mirror sometimes and feel rubbish. I got my eye brows and lashes lifted and tinted last week and got a decent no7 concealer. If you don't feel nice then get some pampering in or treat yourself to some perfume/makeup/clothes/underwear etc.

In terms of sex. Get creative. If he can't keep it up then get some baby oil and massage eachothers feet/backs/bums. Or do gentle stroking and cuddling and kissing. It doesn't have to be full sex. Just touch that makes you feel sexy or relaxed. But trust him. Our bodies don't always want to work

Other posters have given way better advice than I possibly could, but as someone who suffers from increasingly frequent Erectile Dysfunction I just wanted to say it has nothing to do with you.

I fancy the pants off my partner, have done for the last 20 years, and find it incredibly annoying when she gets me all worked up and then I just can't perform. But she has absolutely nothing to do with why I can't get it up, at that point there's not a woman on the planet who's going to make things go differently.

His ED is nothing to do with you, and is not an indicator of how attractive he finds you.