Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being taking this comment too serIously ?

22 replies

Mycatispretty · 09/02/2023 10:36

I was talking to someone I used to date 5 years ago, last week and something is playing on my mind. He said he saw an old photo of me and he remarked “ you used to be so stunning”. Is that negging or am I being too touchy? I’m feeling a bit fragile as I have had a diagnosis of cancer in the last 12 months and the medication to block oestrogen has made me feel fatigued and I’ve lost some of my hair through taking the meds ( didn’t have chemo) I don’t think anyone would notice this but it’s harder to manage.
I'm rally fond of this person and he has supported me through a lot. Did he make a thoughtless comment and I’m being over sensitive? I’m just wondering how other people would feel about his comment.

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 09/02/2023 10:41

I think both - he was just being thoughtless, AND it was a horrible thing to hear. If he is a good friend I would just respond that comment made you feel sad. and then carry on chatting as normal

Im the same, stuggling with cancer, shaved head, etc. Lots of people say I look great. They say shaved head really suits me - I am never sure how I feel about those comments, either

Hillrunning · 09/02/2023 10:42

Most people used to look better than they currently do, it's just what time does to us. I wouldn't allow myself to get upset over a comment that was factually correct.

I showed two colleagues a 7 year old photo of me (they asked, it was relevant) and they both struggled to hide their surprise. I didn't dwell on it as it is true, I used to look far nicer.

antipodeancanary · 09/02/2023 10:47

It's a horrible thing to hear but not a horrible thing to say! I'm also pissed off that I'm no longer stunning, but it's certainly more than likely. Plus do you really want good friends to have to police their language in order to not cause offence?. That leads to walking on eggshells which is good for no one

SpookyBlackCat · 09/02/2023 11:14

I think it's a horrible thing to say. You're going through a lot right now and he made a negative comment that upset you. It was really rude of him to say that.

user1188 · 09/02/2023 11:24

I think both op. He probably didn't mean anything by it, especially if he's being supportive. If anything he's trying to give you a compliment in a weird way.

It's like if I were talk about someone I had a crush on. It wouldn't mean I don't still find them attractive, I'm more talking about back in the day. If that makes sense.

However he should be a lot more sensitive if he's aware of what you've been going through. I'm sorry you've had such a crappy time. Sending you all the love x

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 09/02/2023 11:28

Sounds like he put his foot in his mouth, but I'd have said something at the time, probably "But now I'm a minger, are you trying to say? Thanks mate, love you too LOL"

As it's now a few days on I'd just let it go now, TBH. Unless this is a repeating pattern? Which it doesn't sound like it is.

FlowerArranger · 09/02/2023 11:29

He was quite tactless but try not make your self-worth dependent on whether others consider you 'stunning'. Whatever that means. You will get older, it's a fact of life. We all have to accept it and deal with it. Best to focus on being fit and healthy!

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 09/02/2023 11:37

It's an awful thing to say, why would you say that? Even if I thought that about someone I certainly wouldn't voice it to them.

Summer2424 · 09/02/2023 11:37

Hi @Mycatispretty i don't think your friend meant anything by it. The compliment your friend gave i think was just on that picture, your friend is not saying you were stunning then but not now. x 🌝

Calphurnia88 · 09/02/2023 11:46

It's a thoughtless and unecessary comment, especially with your recent diagnosis.

Hopefully he didn't mean to cause offense but I can understand why you're hurt.

Bansheed · 09/02/2023 11:47

I was out for dinner with my husband last night and he took a photo of me to send to friends who jad had to cancel at the last minute. I looked AWFUL. he sheepishly took another that was fantastic. You wouldn't have know they were of the same person. We all laughed on our group chat. The point of that is, photos don't really capture a dull likeness but we stay the same person.

He was thoughtless but I really wouldn't sweat it. Your confidence is down and you have been ill, but you are still, absolutely, still you xx

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 09/02/2023 11:48

How old was the photo he saw? I agree the comment was tactless, but people do change over the years and society has unfortunately conditioned people to equate beauty with youth, so if it's a very old photo his reaction isn't surprising. I was never 'stunning' but I have had 'you look so young' as a reaction to old photographs - no shit, Sherlock, it was 20 years ago ...

user1188 · 09/02/2023 11:50

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 09/02/2023 11:37

It's an awful thing to say, why would you say that? Even if I thought that about someone I certainly wouldn't voice it to them.

I take it as the total opposite to that. My daughter was looking at pictures of me in my early twenties and she said my hair was amazing and I looked so pretty. She didn't for a second mean that she doesn't see me as pretty now. She was just referring to what I looked like in that photo at that time.

He hasn't said to the op that he saw an old photo of her and that she's aged! Or she looked a lot better back then than she does now! He's simply saying he saw an old photo of her and he thought she looked stunning in it. That would actually make me smile.

In the op's case I can see how it's upsetting her absolutely. Especially when she's not feeling great about herself. I can see why she thinks it was a completely insensitive comment but if this guy has been a great support to her than I doubt he will of meant anything by it.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 09/02/2023 11:50

Tactless, but because you are feeling sensitive about your appearance you're giving it more weight than it merits.

We all looked better a few years ago when we were healthy than we do when a bit older and actually ill.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 09/02/2023 12:01

user1188 · 09/02/2023 11:50

I take it as the total opposite to that. My daughter was looking at pictures of me in my early twenties and she said my hair was amazing and I looked so pretty. She didn't for a second mean that she doesn't see me as pretty now. She was just referring to what I looked like in that photo at that time.

He hasn't said to the op that he saw an old photo of her and that she's aged! Or she looked a lot better back then than she does now! He's simply saying he saw an old photo of her and he thought she looked stunning in it. That would actually make me smile.

In the op's case I can see how it's upsetting her absolutely. Especially when she's not feeling great about herself. I can see why she thinks it was a completely insensitive comment but if this guy has been a great support to her than I doubt he will of meant anything by it.

Show quote history

He actually said "you used to be so stunning" which implies she doesn't anymore. Knowing what she's been through, there was no need whatsoever to remind her how she used to look.

aSofaNearYou · 09/02/2023 12:03

It was a rude thing to say, for sure. It's the kind of comment that might be fair enough to say to someone about how the looked 20 years ago, not five.

Original poster
Mycatispretty · 09/02/2023 12:08

@Nimbostratus100 I’m sorry you’re going through a cancer diagnosis and treatment. Big hugs to you.
The photo is ten years old. He said the comment last night ( I don’t know why I said last week- trying to be more anonymous on my post which is stupid) in a weeks time I’m sure I’ll have forgotten about it. Im glad to see mixed opinions. I phoned him last night because I’d watched the news and I was feeling sad ( earthquake and the poor missing woman were playing on my mind) and I was hoping he’d cheer me up!
I’ve worked hard on my self esteem issues after leaving my marriage 6 years ago after finding out my H was seeing young prostitute and him telling me I was too old and he wasn’t attracted to me anymore. Yeats later, I felt pretty ok about myself then I was diagnosed with cancer which really does knock you. I did tell him his comment made me feel sad but he spoke the truth and I’m a bit low on resilience at the moment. Thanks for all your replies, they’re much appreciated

OP posts:
Original poster
Mycatispretty · 09/02/2023 12:17

@Cigarettesaftersex1 yes that’s exactly it! He said I looked stunning with long straight hair. I can’t carry off that look anymore and as I mentioned, the arimidex and then the tamoxifen has caused a lot of hair loss ( my vacuum, which I clean regularly, was clogged up with - I’m struggling to do anything with it at the moment.
I'm aware looks aren’t everything- not at all! However, my cancer diagnosis, having a misshapen breast, feeling absolutely drained of any energy and the effect the oestrogen blockers have had on my mind and body have left me feeling a bit depleted. I know some people sale through there treatments but unfortunately I’m not one of them. I started off at a low point as I was extremely ill with Covid in 2020 and again in 2022 ending up in hospital with it. I should just be glad to be alive!

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 09/02/2023 12:48

OMG I just realized I was incredibly tactless myself as I completely missed the reference to your cancer diagnosis. I am so sorry. Wishing you all the best.

Original poster
Mycatispretty · 09/02/2023 12:51

@FlowerArranger bless you, I didn’t take offence to your post at all! You’re entirely correct in your post. To be healthy is the most important thing

OP posts:
cstaff · 09/02/2023 12:52

I don't think that there was any badness in his comment - tactless YES but not mean or spiteful. If he is as good a friend as you say then I would have to let it go. Hope you make a good recovery OP

Original poster
Mycatispretty · 09/02/2023 13:11

@cstaff thank you for your good wishes

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page