How to get rid of toxic ‘friends’ advice please

[Psychobear]

I am a 40 something woman in a very happy marriage and my home life is very good. The only issue I am having is that since I moved to my current location 10 years ago, I found it difficult to meet new friends. So I ended up leaning on my husband and mum (he is basically my best friend anyway and my mum knew me inside out and could see through any bullish!t). My friends from my old home town have basically faded away, my mum died last year and my husband is still my buddy, but let’s face it, you can’t pile everything onto these one pair of ears - so I am left with these two ‘friends’. Now because I only have these two friends that I don’t really see all that often, when I do see them, I want to have a good old natter, maybe a little drink and blow off some steam - which in the past, I have been able to do. But for the last few years, both of these women only really want to offload all their crap, misery, drama etc onto me, and oh my gosh have they both got drama’s…. They’re never happy, constantly whining about their OH’s and giving me their 1st world problems, and you can tell, that even when they do insert the ‘obligatory’ how are you? At the end of a message, they couldn’t give a flying crap anyway. One of the friends sent flowers when my mum died, but the other, didn’t even send a card or anything. So I am left feeling really lonely and that by ending these toxic relationships, having no friends at all will be better than 2 life suckers. The trouble is, I have known both for 20 years plus and I don’t know how to end it? They are both in quite a needy state at the moment and I am far too chicken to tell them I can’t be friends with them anymore - not without really hurting them, I just can’t do it. Does anyone have any advice?

Just make up something - massive work project, moving house, mystery illness - that means you can’t be around much, and fade it out. Or you could just break up - tell them you have valued then but think you are in different places etc so have a nice life.

You better make some new ones though

It's really tricky, I think in the 40somethings life does all of a sudden get a bit more real for some women, tricky teens possibly, empty nest marriage issues, ailing parents, it can all be a bit doom laden. Add in a tricky few years with the pandemic, some menopausal hormones, and a cost of living crisis and it's not exactly a recipe for joy!

However, there's a limit to what you might want to endure, and if you've decided that enough is enough, it's going to be a little bit difficult to tell them you don't want to see them again because they're too miserable, you might just have to decline every other invite and see them a bit less and see if that helps? Or could you suggest meeting and doing something a bit more fun, rather than sitting and chatting? Or there's always the good old controversial slow fade....

Back away slowly and gently:

don't ever message them first

take a long time to reply to any message they send you - and when you do reply keep it brief and let them know how very busy you are (I've had this done to me and it'll make you look unavailable)

if you do get suckered into meeting up, cancel the plans at the last minute with no apology or explanation and no offer to reschedule

eventually don't even reply to their messages

they'll get the message in time

Why not just tell them the truth?; Far kinder than ghosting them. You're finding things too negative, it's draining you. You need to do more positive things than sit around putting the world to rights.

Awesome advice, thanks! I think the back away slowly thing sounds like a winner, it’s a bit cowardly of me, but I have thought a lot about what I would actually say either face to face or written and it’s quite harsh, because there is just no nice way of telling someone they are super self absorbed and just a drain to me. Making friends is so hard nowadays, I used to make friends so easy but I work with few women, and I reckon that’s where you would meet most people… I have tried to make friends at the gym but people look at you like you have just asked them to show you their boobs when you try and strike up a conversation, and I also took a Spanish evening class but no joy there either. At this point, I have got plenty of things to fill my time, so I will try and put it on the back burner and like finding a mate, when it happens, it will happen. (Or maybe it won’t and I will be sad). I think overall, I am really missing my mum, and apart from my husband, I can’t trust anyone. I have forgotten what it feels like for someone to really be there for you, you know? Anyhoo, thanks again, thats all good advice 😀

Did you try classes at the gym / yoga classes elsewhere, I find women a little more open to chatting at a class than in the weights / cardio areas

Yeah I’ve done that, most women go with a friend or quite understandably just want to go and workout/chill out etc. it will be better now that the nights are drawing out as I always talk to lots of people whilst walking my dog. I just wondered if anyone else had been in this situation and how they dealt with it. As I said, the advice of slowly distancing myself is what I’ll do. I really could not cope with hurting someone’s feelings in a conversation and knowing them like I do, it would end up in a row. But then that was another reason to get out anyway. We only ever get along if I agree with or placate them. One friend would call me for advice and then if I told her what she didn’t want to hear, I would not hear from her for ages. Definitely better off without them.