Realising no one cares

[fatforty]

I'm going through a shit time; divorce, having to move house etc etc. and today I suddenly realised that literally no one checks in. Friends were initially shocked but other that the initial text expressing sadness there's no mention of it. Any meet ups the subject is actively avoided and one friend has now started to talk about her "husband" all the time rather than using his name. This is only since I became single.
Family don't mention it. I've started looking at houses and the only thing they say is to pick holes in the houses I can now afford. Terraced after living in a detached house for example.
I try to check in with everyone regularly offer help when they're having a shit time, which is always accepted. Happy to chat over their issues, and there's a few of those, but it's like I'm invisible and they don't reciprocate. Quite frankly they don't give a shit.

I feel the exact same!! I was just saying earlier today. It's absolutely rubbish especially when you give your time to others, like I do as well, but as long as they're ok they don't care. It's actually so depressing.
Sorry I'm probably not helping and making you feel worse.

Could be that a bit like when someone dies they don't know what to say for fear if upsetting you.

@LaurenS65 at least it's not just me! I don't get it though.

@SleepingisanArt I'm not a particularly emotional person. I cry when I'm on my own out the way. I've dropped everything and left to go and sort out issues over the years but they don't even drop a text to see if I'm ok i honestly don't think they give a shit rather than fear of causing upset.

It's not just divorce I'm in the same boat but its health related. Gave friends benefit of the doubt with busy lives, own problems etc but no still approach me for help advice but never a how are you ? I'm cutting people out ruthlessly

@Nixnjj1 sorry to hear that, I hope you're getting some support from medical staff. I'd literally have no one if I cut them out. How sad is that!

Me too!! Actually that's harsh people are so supportive in their own ways, but just the lack of realisation... I've got no money or aspirations for anything any more it's just survival and it's shit. And if any other fucker says how hard it is because their 'hubby' is away and they've had to do EVERYTHING then I will smash something!!!

@mynamechangemyrules I've been a lone parent 18 years so have heard them all

@fatforty starting cbt specifically for life limiting illness and am currently on a medical trial and get treated like royalty there. Sad but I treat it like a day out.

@mynamechangemyrules that's so tough. I know everyone has their own stuff going on but surely you check on your friends when they're having a tough time. It genuinely baffles me.

I remember thinking this years ago when I left exH, it was like it didn’t matter to anyone but me. I think pp is right, some people don’t know what to say, and maybe some of them don’t realise what they sound like.

My colleague got engaged around the same time I left exH and used to go on and on about wedding planning. Obviously I didn’t expect the world to stop or anything but she could have been a bit sensitive and she was driving me nuts. One day she was admiring her ring again and I hissed « my preciooousss » like Gollum😳 She wasn’t happy but at least shut up for a bit !

@Nixnjj1 that's a lot to get your head round and your friends may not know what to say but be honest say they want to support you but are unsure how. Honestly goes a long way. You probably have the right attitude about your CBT putting a positive spin on it.

People don't understand until they go through the same thing....

Yes it's shit, people are self absorbed black holes.... Seriously.

Don't cut them all off, you ll have no one.

Lots of them are probably trapped in Marriages and jealous of your agency.

You'd probably be best trying to build up some new connections and friendships with new people. Divorce and moving somewhere different are not just stressful & sad, but can be opportunities as well.

What couldn't you do when you were married, what socialising options are open to you that weren't, what hobbies or groups can you pursue that maybe you couldn't before?

People don't like change and sometimes it's the bad times that show up the weaknesses of your friendships and family dynamics.

@NoraLuka my colleagues pretend to be supportive in actual fact the know both me and EXDH and they want the juicy gossip for the break room. Fortunately there's nothing dodgy to tell but they could be a little bit more discreet in their interrogation

@category12 I will be trying to forge new friendships once I move, I'm pretty shy and reserved so it will be tough. I'll push my boundaries though.

You mention your family are not very helpful - I wonder if you have grown up putting other people's needs before your own, and have subconsciously chosen friends who have allowed you to continue that habit?

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation my family are usually great. We all get along well but this is just odd and I don't understand why they're so closed off about it. They're disappointed of course and sad but just refuse to check in. If I mention it they change the subject. Not interested in the houses I might buy or are picking holes in them.

@fatforty hope your day is better and the perfect home for you is found

Sometimes its when the chips are down that people show their true colours.
Time to re evaluate your friends?

I'm so sorry you're going through such a difficult time and aren't getting the support you need.

I hope you find a perfect home for yourself. Lots of terraced houses are cute, your family shouldn't be shooting them down. 💐

A lot of friends are really just acquaintances, there for the fun bits and strangers for the tough .
We've all experienced this and tbh I except now I have different people for different things , close friends are 2 and these are the people who share everything good and bad . I also have friends who I enjoy going out with but know they are not for the tough stuff . I've lowered my expectations and realise I have a spread of friends for different things .

I’m afraid it’s very common & I’ve learned to accept it. I am inclined to be too loyal to those who in my experience don’t give a toss.
Im stepping back and fortunately like my own company. I’ll probably end up as a Jonny-No-Mates but I’m past caring. I’m done with texting and touching base or arranging catch ups with those who don’t do the same to me. Maybe I’m a cynic but that’s life.

I think many of us feel the same. I know a lot of people because of my job but when I need help or I'm in an extreme situation I have nobody I can rely on, other than my husband. None of these people cares about me that way. I'm lucky to have a small family and have no reason to complain but if we split, I would be completely alone.
I think it's pretty common nowadays. Times have changed, people only think about themselves.

Yep, have found exactly the same.
And all the trite "you're so lucky you can watch any TV channel you want now!" comments which completely miss the loneliness and devastation a divorce brings.
It has made me think though and I will be sure to check in with friends who go through tough times in the future and not just at the beginning either, it's the long term check ins that really count I think.
Just wanted to let you know you'e not alone in this experience. x