Gaslighting?

[Fivesixseven8]

My partner and I are in a complicated state at the moment. We decided to separate but are still living together whilst we sell our house. The lines have got blurred with us getting along and having had sex a couple of times!

Last night he wanted to go through my messages and my phone, he asked in a joking, light hearted manner whilst I was showing him a photo. I briefly scrolled through my messages and he wanted to read through my messages to my sister as he knows she has been my main support in our separation and wants to read what I've said about him. I said no, and he kept asking until I got annoyed and told him to respect my boundaries and privacy. He told me to stop shouting at him and think about the way I speak to him, calm down etc. There was tension in my voice- I was upset, but I wasn't shouting. And it annoys me when he says I am!

Today, he's angry at me for talking to my sister about him and 'Shouting'.

He discusses our relationship with his family and friends. I don't think I'm out of order for having chats with my sister about it. She wants me to leave him and he knows this from reading my messages before.

Am I out of order or is he?

That’s not gaslighting.

But you’re either broken up or you’re not. He shouldn’t be trying to invade your privacy via your phone. The two of you absolutely shouldn’t be having sex.

Yes he’s gaslighting! He is totally out of order and you’ve done nothing wrong. He has no business looking at your messages. I would try and keep your distance. Best of luck OP and hope your house sale goes through ASAP.

He's so out of order! He's got no respect for you. Stop having sex with him!

What the hell, OP. He expects you to let him go through your phone messages? Then accuses you of shouting and gets sulky.

I see why you want to split up. So do that. Stop having sex with the twattish man. Stop living with him. Have some self respect. Where else could he go? Where else could you go?

Couch surfing is better than this.

Thank you all for the replies! So helpful to hear from others. He suggested I talk to him if I want to discuss the relationship with someone but obviously he has his own agenda and it keeps me sane to talk to others.

Stop talking to him. Stop showing him photos on your phone. Stop having sex with him.

I genuinely can’t believe you scrolled through your messages for him. You have every right to talk to your sister about him. It’s none of his business.

He doesn’t want you to talk to other people about your relationship because he wants to control how you’re feeling and make you doubt yourself. Don’t let him! You definitely need to keep talking to other people you trust eg your sister because they have your back x

It is.
Someone telling you to calm down and stop shouting and making out you're being over the top when you're not is definitely gaslighting.

It derails the argument and tends to make the victim feel the need to explain themselves about how they weren't shouting, and the gaslighter insists they were, if it's done over time the victim will sometimes start to seriously doubt themselves and think maybe they are in fact shouting even though they don't think they are.