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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Guilt about going into refuge

13 replies

LionTree · 08/02/2023 11:40

Have posted previously about situation. Have managed to secure a refuge space for today, still need to pack, get cat rehomed etc before I can go. However I feel immense guilt for leaving husband despite his ongoing behaviour. His mental health is not great and I worry he will do something silly when he realises we've gone, and don't know how to approach communicating with him to tell him we've gone. Can anyone relate or offer words of encouragement. I keep stalling, am sitting in soft play so eldest can run round as I can't hear myself think but I think really I'm just delaying things.

OP posts:
Irrelevantdata · 08/02/2023 11:49

Does he feel guilty about treating so badly you need to go/are eligible for refuge OP?

Jellycatspyjamas · 08/02/2023 12:52

Well done on finding a refuge space, they're pretty hard to come by. Making the decision to keep yourself and your children safe will be the best decision you could ever make, even though it's scary just now. His mental health may not be great, but that doesn't give him the right to abuse you, he may do something silly, and you have no control over that. He may also use the threat of doing something silly to keep you in your place indefinitely, you do have control over that.

Get yourself a coffee, hug that little one running around soft play and go home and pack, take yourself off somewhere safe and then decide what/how you tell him. Workers at the shelter can help you with that if need be. Let the local police know you're fleeing domestic abuse so if he reports you missing, they know what's going on and don't start looking for you and your child.

Try to just take one step at a time, don't overthink things, just get yourself to safety.

GreyCarpet · 08/02/2023 13:02

I so admire women who do what you are about to do.

You are prioritising your own and your children's safety - emotional, mental and physical.

It is not an easy decision to make and you wouldn't have made it if you didn't know that it was the right thing to do.

Two minutes of bravery. That's all you need to take your stuff and your children and walk put the door. After that, you wil have people to support you.

As for him, as others have said, he doesn't feel guilty about pushing you to this point. He may say he does but it doesn't stop him from doing it. Does it?

If he does do something silly, that is on him. You are not responsible for him or any choice he makes.

Your priority is yourself and your children. Not him.

You are amazing. Keep on being so ❤️

watchfulwishes · 08/02/2023 13:05

You would not be offered a refuge place unless genuinely needed.

You are not thinking clearly but I trust the professionals and if they say you need a refuge place, then you do.

Please give your children this chance. I wish you well.

Ponderingwindow · 08/02/2023 13:09

I haven’t read your backstory, but remember this

if your husband were healthy, he would be telling you to do everything you could to protect your children.

user1188 · 08/02/2023 13:14

I think I remember your last post. It's absolutely normal to feel the way you are doing, completely understandable.

Once you've gone then that's it, you've done it. That's the worst part over.

You are absolutely in no way responsible for his actions. I've been in a similar position so I do understand but however he reacts, whatever he does - it's not up to you to save him anymore

Eastereggsboxedupready · 08/02/2023 13:24

Well done on seeking refuge op. Just a note about dcat... Have you approached any charities about having dcat temporarily fostered? I used to do it for a big charity and then once the family were settled hand them back. A worthwhile exercise ime.

Original poster
LionTree · 08/02/2023 14:05

Eastereggsboxedupready · 08/02/2023 13:24

Well done on seeking refuge op. Just a note about dcat... Have you approached any charities about having dcat temporarily fostered? I used to do it for a big charity and then once the family were settled hand them back. A worthwhile exercise ime.

I've tried them, and family and friends, no one will have him, so I can't leave until he's sorted :( nightmare as I wanted to be on the road by now. Not his fault, obviously.

OP posts:
Original poster
LionTree · 08/02/2023 21:31

Thanks for all of your replies everyone. I am going in tomorrow now. Husband has not been back home anyway. I just keep picturing him coming home from work and us all gone and I feel sad, and start questioning if he was/is really that bad. I know the answer really, I am just struggling to shake the guilt.

OP posts:
notnowdennis · 08/02/2023 21:34

Cats Protection Paws Protect service

please try here for your cat.

Original poster
LionTree · 08/02/2023 21:38

notnowdennis · 08/02/2023 21:34

Cats Protection Paws Protect service

please try here for your cat.

I have done, but thank you, they don't run the service in my area. They just told me to try local catteries which I can't really afford. I may have found a solution with a family member, fingers (and paws) crossed.

OP posts:
notnowdennis · 08/02/2023 21:52

LionTree · 08/02/2023 21:38

I have done, but thank you, they don't run the service in my area. They just told me to try local catteries which I can't really afford. I may have found a solution with a family member, fingers (and paws) crossed.

Show quote history

i am sorry to hear that. very best of luck to you and I hope your family member can help.

Summer2424 · 08/02/2023 21:53

Hi @LionTree i haven't read your backstory but just know you are so strong for taking this step, focus on yourself and your children.
Sending you strength to get through this time x

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