Separated over a year ago , yesterday I cried uncontrollably

[Whydoistillmisshim]

Hi, discovered dh was having an ‘emotional ‘ affair over a year ago and he left. Prior to that he spent a year gaslighting me and basically trying to make me leave so he could be the good guy. I really loved him and spent that year thinking he was depressed and tried to help him.

he says he regrets everything blah blah but basically He wanted back when his affair partner dumped him and life was a bit shit without me and dd.

I have been strong done all the right things but now the wheels are in motion to finalise finances etc I am falling apart. I’m really lonely and frightened and yes I miss him. Help!

You've come so far op, you can keep going! It's absolutely normal to have wobbles along the way so don't beat yourself up about it. Sorting the finances is just another hurdle you need to get over but you can do it because you're strong!

Whenever it gets a bit wobbly, be kind to yourself, have some self care. It sounds cringe but give yourself a hug or even better, one off dd.

Just because you're going through a scary stage of the break up doesn't mean you need to run back to him. He's treated you appallingly and you deserve better. Going back to him would 100% not solve anything other than a life time of misery trust me.

Try to get a bit of that anger back if you can. Sometimes a bit of anger in these situations is actually healthy.

Thank you. I made a list of 3 reasons I should never go back which has helped get me this far.
1 if she had wanted him he would never have looked back
2 he has continued to lie and gaslight
3 dd and I have been happier and more at peace with out him in the house

I know exactly how you feel OP. It's just awful. My H dumped me 5 years ago after a 20 year marriage. I had no idea anything was wrong.
I've had plans for retirement, had planned to move to Cornwall and do so many wonderful things.
He left me for a BDSM partner and they are living in a grtty rented flat together.
Luckily I am completely financially independent and owned the hose before I met him so he couldn't have half of it in the divorce. He only got a tiny settlement.
But now I'm facing retirement alone, I'm continuing with my plans but it all feels so empty on my own and I often cry.
I have lovely friends and a lovely home but I never planned to grow old alone.
I think we just need to take each day as it comes and try to find joy in something each day. Work on hobbies and careers. Try and make a difference to our children
At least we have them. They are precious to us.

The 3rd one is everything here. Imagine how both your lives would change if you went backwards. It's so not worth it. You and dd deserve more

Thank you both. There is a lot of grief for the life I thought I was going to have

I think you need to remind yourself constantly that "the life I thought I was going to have" is not the life you will have if you take him back.

Have you had any counseling OP? You're right that it's a kind of grief. You may benefit from some professional assistance in dealing with it.

Also remember that it's very difficult to deal with grief when a situation is ongoing. This is why people will sometimes express a sense of relief when a family member dies after a very long illness, particularly something like dementia where you feel you've lost that person already but they are still here. You're trying to grieve a relationship that isn't completely behind you. It may well be that once you've dealt with the financial aspect and the divorce is finalised, you will have the closure you need to move forward.

OP, maybe you are grieving the loss of a dream rather than the loss of your partner. You no longer have the familiar and whatever security that you imagined that you had with your husband.

You may or may not grow old alone. That tale has yet to be written. You are now in full charge of your life and it will be what you are willing to make of it. Yoh can sit quietly by and wait for life to happen to you, or you can be proactive and create a fulfilling life doing things that you enjoy.

If you had remained with your husband , you would have a body beside you but not necessarily a partner who was happy to be spending time with you.

Again thank you hearing these words is amazing. I have had fantastic counselling I may make a top up appointment. I know you are right, the man I miss never really existed. It’s been such a slog and so hard watching dd suffer she doesn’t deserve this .
i agree I just need to get myself through this final bit and come out the other side.