He’s just walked out

[Toughatthetop]

Hi MN
Hoping for a hand hold/some advice/anything really.
I’m feeling completely numb.
Have been with my partner for over a year, and have always felt like things aren’t quite complete. A weird gut feeling.
Feeling loved & in love but like a small part of him is reserved about sharing that he’s in a relationship; like he’s not completely committed and holding back - He has been married before, no children, initially told me he has lots of female friends but I’ve never met any of them. Haven’t met many of his friends in general really
we spend every weekend together (20 miles apart so rarely hang out in the week)
Tonight we spoke about friendships & I questioned why I haven’t ever met his female friends, a normal conversation, bit jokey as usual.
…we recently spoke about moving in together, perhaps I was wanting to just find out more about him, the panic of thinking we aren’t ready?
He got angry, defensive & walked out. This has never happened but I feel weirdly calm.
But I feel like his response is really telling me something.
Any thoughts gratefully accepted.
What just happened? I genuinely don’t know.

This would be a huge red flag for me after a year.
I'm sorry, but it sounds like he'd prefer to play the field and keep you at arms length.

I had met all of DHs mates, male and female, within a few months of us getting together.

Trust your gut. Sounds like isn’t fully committed at all. Are you openly in a relationship on social media? Not saying that’s important just wondering if he’s keeping your relationship quiet. What about family, have you met them? If not definitely something not right

Sorry you are feeling this way OP. A couple of years ago I had a good male friend in my master's class - pure friendship speaking / hanging out very often and sharing a lot of stuff. After being friends like that for about a year I found out that he had girlfriend in a random conversation from other people. I was a bit surprised because in my mind we were good friends and he "forgot" to share this massive detail about his life. After that point he became very distant and defensive with me even though I didn't bring up the subject and friendship slowly faded away. We were all there so he knew I found out about it.
I think some men knowingly hide information as such to keep their options open with people they are just "friends" with. It's so childish, immature and obviously lying by omission but good that he's giving these signs before you take further steps with him.
We don't know if this is definitely what happened here but I would trust my gut.

Thanks @Boredfriend @Icanflyhigh @Roseyrhubard - yes have met his family, all lovely & yes have met some of his friends but not all. I have a child, we all spend lots of time together, it’s almost like he loves the ‘family time’ but wants to keep the ‘mysterious single guy’ image… I don’t know what’s happening, but my gut has rarely been wrong in previous relationships.
@Boredfriend thanks for your post, if almost feels like there are pockets of his life where I don’t exist, he keeps a close eye on his phone too. I’ve had some crap stuff happen in the past so not sure if I’m just hyper-vigilant or hyper-on the ball here.
He walked out and I feel just numb & calm, I just offloaded what I’ve been holding for months & his response was to get angry & leave, I didn’t even raise my voice or start an argument.

Think your gut was right. Compartmentalising aspects of your life like friends a year in isn't a great sign of integration/openess. And his defensiveness is also a sign. I would move on x

If you can dump him and move on then what just happened is you dodged a MASSIVE bullet.

Don’t doubt your gut. And when someone shows you who they are - believe them the first time.

Trust your gut. I had this. Would also disappear or not be contactable during certain times. When I think back about it his texts were always at a similar time throughout the week. But, for some reason I accepted this. Turned out, I ignored what I knew to be true and he was cheating. I wasn't ever made part of his life, always skirting around the edges. Being shown what he wanted me to see.

Thank you everyone for messaging. There’s just this painful silence today. No messaging, nothing. Slept appallingly.
I am now starting to go between ‘is it all in my head’ & ‘I can’t believe he got so defensive & walked out, that speaks volumes’

Only a person with something to hide would respond in this way. It's their crude way of trying to shut you down and lead you of the scent. He has sonething to hide and you are on to him.

@ToToughatthetop this is exactly how he wants you to feel. If he wanted what he said he does ie) living with you, loves. How can he leave you hanging like that? It's cruel and he knows it.

I think you've got your answer. Sorry you're having to go through this. But on the positive side you haven't committed further with him. Easier to get some clarity.

Some men are opportunists, and they hate to lose their opportunities.

He's either got something going on or at least some flirting with some of his female friends. They probably don't know about you, or he's described you in a much more casual way to them.

Whatever is going on, you and they are two separate worlds that he cannot bring together. Whatever that reason is, it's not good news for your relationship or for the type of person you imagined him to be.

Oh he will be back. Possibly claiming something on the lines of work is busy, something happened for him to treat you in that way. He will try to worm himself in, for all the comforts you offer. Until he leaves again, obviously all your fault... he is a red flag. Know your worth

I rang him. It’s the longest we have not spoken in a year, and I started to fall apart towards the evening. Mostly because I cannot bear to not know what’s happening (in any aspect of my life) - he was heightened immediately & used words like ‘antagonising’ & ‘interrogation’ in regards to my questions last night (I was so calm haha) I told him I disagreed, he also said I Wd ‘accusing him of everything’ - I said I had feelings & they mattered. There was zero accusing. He calmed down & told me how much he loves me. I asked him to meet me tomorrow because we need to have some face to face potentially difficult conversations as I’m not willing to stay in a relationship if he’s storming off & refusing to speak about something as basic as friendships. I love him. I love us.
…whys it so hard? But I know there is something he’s holding back.
Also have the worst pmt which is making me doubt myself hugely 😭

I would be asking some pretty direct questions and expecting not to be fobbed off.

When I had this situation, I wasn't satisfied with the answers but I stupidly accepted what I was being told. I regret not calling him out sooner. Would have so much heartache and stress

Men with lots of female friends are cravers of outside attention and ego-stroking from women. You meeting his family is nothing really, you won't meet the female harem. I'm not saying he's up to anything with them. Just that he'll be dangling them, making them think they're his confidante, have a chance with him etc. I bet they know about you, and you're the horrible girlfriend..

After just 1 year you're in all this complicated nonsense. You should still be in your honeymoon period. If a man loves you he won't walk out just because you ask questions, there won't be radio silence from him for days, you wont have to sit stewing then chase him. Now you've phoned and asked to meet, you've secured your place as a pushover in the face of ill-mannered behaviour. If you'd not phoned him, would he have phoned you? Now you'll never know. What you do know is, not to ask questions so he doesn't walk out again. Be meek.

Its just a year. Should've dumped him after he walked out.

This ☝️

You live 20 miles apart so rarely meet during the week?! Girl I would drive 20 miles for a burrito. If neither of you can be bothered with a 40 minute commute mid-week, then I'd say this never was going to go the distance regardless of his weird freak out.

Stop walking on eggshells and apologising say exactly what is on your mind. I'm afraid the defensiveness and compartmentalizing indicate OW/ life.

The fundamental issue here is his reaction to a conversation you were trying to have then not contacting you afterwards. What a great way to get you in line.

Trust your gut.

Ideally you’d have let him contact you but I’ve been there and couldn’t do it either. Just be aware these are all classic tactics for controlling another person. And unless you trust yourself, they work very well.