Can you get the love back?

[Canwedoit4]

Been with my DH for 10yrs, 3DC. Its been a turbulent time but nothing too specific just general life problems.
Our main disagreements are due to different parenting styles and different expectations/priorities with the housework. I wouldn't say either of us are wrong, we just work differently. Overall DH has financially provided for us mainly while I have worked part time and raised the DC. He is a hard working, kind, decent enough dad and I have a lot of love for him and want him to be happy. He has experienced some depression over the past 18months which has meant his mood has really dragged my own mental health through the wringer and the kids have been targeted more and more.
We sat down and talked over the weekend, I told him I wanted to leave him, I wasn't happy and would walk away with nothing and have the kids 50% of the time. He was devastated and wants to work on all our differences.
This is the hard part.... I really want to want to! I want to want to kiss him, I want to want to spend each day with him but its not there? And I want it to be? This is a decent man and I could do so much worse, but why am I just feeling as though the love and spark and commitment has gone? And can I get it back? I want it to come back, please share your experiences if you have been in this situation and help me see things clearly.
I'm 35, I have 3DC and a DH and I just feel totally selfish that it's not enough?

Are you me?! Same boat here. 10 years together as well. Same as you, my partner is lovely but there's something missing and we think differently. I wish I wanted to kiss my partner as well but that feeling has also gone for me but like you I could do so much worse. Glad I'm not alone to be honest!! It shit though as I don't want to hurt my partner.

Relationships can go through these dips, and yes you can get the love and passion back even more than ever. It’s definitely possible.

Here are a few suggestions. Tell him you’ve got a slump and know he has too, but that you are fully invested in him, and want to work together to focus a bit on the two of you and your marriage.

work out your differences practically, some kind of rota or set of agreements you can compromise on and be happy with.

write a letter to each other, the things you love about each other and moments and memories you treasure, and the bits that aren’t working so great for you.

Try to have a date night totally child free once a week if possible at least for the foreseeable future, do something fun together and have sex

Try to be intimate as often as you can. Laugh again together and grow closer through trying new things sexually and going on new adventures together.

sounds like you’re a bit stuck in the rut of day to day life and need to refresh things a bit, rather than that you have an horrible issues between you that can’t be resolved.

lastly I’m going to pray for you, as I believe beautiful things happen through prayer

I appreciate your messages, it feels like such a lonely place to be. Date nights are hard, my DH works nights so we get Sunday mostly as he sleeps most of Saturday. I don't want to hurt this man, and selfishly I would be heartbroken if he moved on with somebody else and I would just be thinking why couldn't I move past all the general every day life moans because he really isn't that bad. I feel like it's me, and I want to take a tablet and fix it because I don't want to feel this way but I can't help it! Much love to the ladies who are feeling the same though, its not nice!

Is anybody else able to hand hold / sympathise / advise? Feeling really saf and going over things in my head but I don't want to share this with my family and friends. I just want some support really.

I feel similar but am fed up with being the one that has to sort everything out or arrange things. We both work full time yet DH seems to prefer to stare at his phone that split helping DD 11 out with school work, so it all falls to me. If I bring it up, he turns it around and will say things like 'yes I am rubbish, I get it' as if it is my fault.

Fed up. I'm mid-40s, bored, and want something more. Whether he can be that more, I am now unsure.

What is love? Is it always passion and excitement, or can it be a much quieter feeling?

I don't believe being "in love" lasts forever. Sometimes when it burns out there is nothing left (or worse, real dislike) but sometimes there is a deeper love where they might get on your tits now and then, but you can't imagine life without them.

You WANT to get the "in love" back, so sounds like you want him in your life. I don't think you can reignite "in love", but you can work at appreciating what you love about him and he can work with you too.

What's the alternative? Bin this relationship, fall in love with someone else, when that fades go on to the next?

My husband just seems to love me more than I love him, this has probably always been true but I want to feel like he feels! That sounds ridiculous when I'm the one being loved doesn't it. He would go out of his way to see me smile, because he genuinely wants to and I want to feel like I want to do that for him too but I'm not sure I do.

Mixed things here. How do you equate " going out of his way to make you smile" with him being depressed for 18 months and dragging your mood down? Perhaps that's the problem, he has not been in a position to make you happy and maybe it shows you've relied on him quite heavily to make you happy in the past.
No person should be a sole provider of happiness, its setting up to fail. I also think him working nights could be a big influence- any way he could look for work with alternative hours? I spend half my worklife on nightshifts and I can tell you, it messes with your head, added to that, you must be on opposite timelines and spend little quality time together.
That you'd suggest walking away with nothing shows you care about him still and want to work on it. Otherwise you'd be having your ducks in a row and would realise, practically, that being single with 3 DC takes money. You can't live off good wishes. You are reacting emotionally to the situation.
Start with him changing his work hours for a better work/life balance. Look for other ways to make-up the shortfall in income - perhaps do more hours yourself instead, while he does less (role swap?).
Change things up, there is lots of scope here, then reassess down the line where you are at.

@Opentooffers thank you, there is a lot of truth in your post. I do care, hugely! I just don't feel the passion. His job has certainly contributed to this I think, he works hard long hours and sleeps the day away and I suppose I feel resentful but it's well paid and he enjoys it so I've been reluctant to ask him to leave although if I asked he would! I'm always getting flowers, he is affectionate and loving. He is a good day but strict which sometimes messes with my routine as I mostly alone with 3 dc so have learnt to let things go, lower my standards and pick my battles. The problem is me.

the kids have been targeted more and more

Can I ask what you meant by this in the OP?

I’m asking because one of the main reasons I got the ick with my ex was because of how he was treating the kids. It was subconscious at the time and I only realised in retrospect.

@Yetanothernamechangeagain I just feel given the time he spends in the home awake he should be more positive with them but he seems to expect them to be perfect all the time. No clothes left on floor, no rubbish left out, dishes straight in dishwasher - certainly not unreasonable asks but sometimes feels he goes out his way to find what they haven't done! I feel they are targeted and it upsets me. When he isn't depressed he is more inclined not to go looking for these things.

He isn't ever generally negative to me if I do these things, which is why I used the word targeted because I can leave my dish out and he will say nothing but the kids do the same and it really irritates him.

Is he getting help with his mental health? I would say he really needs to if the kids are suffering because of it.

So he tells the children to pick up after themselves and doesn't do the same to you? Good on him, they need to learn and there's no point telling an adult who should know to pick up after themselves. You seem to be looking for reasons, which in itself probably indicates the end

He is getting help, he is on medication and is waiting for some counselling. What I mean with the telling the kids - and I know they shouldn't need telling! Is that when he seems to be feeling really shit he will go out his way to find something, check their bedrooms etc. I'm probably not explaining myself very well. I did say in my original post we have different expectations/standards so if one of the DC leaves a towel on the floor on the landing I will just pick it up and bring it down, he will call them up and make them do it. He isn't technically doing anything wrong I just feel it is mentally exhausting trying to make sure the DC are perfect all the time and will let things like that slide because it's not a battle I feel is worth fighting. All this has lead to me feeling I'm walking on eggshells.

So you are now different people with the responsibility of parenthood. It changes people.

So can you start there? The way he smiles when he sees his kids, the relentless work slog he does because he wants to provide to make sure his kids have a safe bed and full tummies.

How you have built a home, made new lives and it's worth not throwing away. That some depression or at least low moods can be at least parked if you engage with the play and babble that is children.

Instead of a "date night" which the thought of used to make me cringe, could you agree to a breakfast together when the kids have gone to school once a week where you drink coffee and do something neutral together, like a crossword. So conversations might flow but nothing too pressured about your relationship, issues or parenting?

On Sunday could you do a team family bake? So some biscuits or cupcakes to have after dinner in front of the TV?

Basically I think it's about engaging together as a family before you make a final decision.

Have a bit of fun basically and then perhaps tackle your different parenting styles and think about meeting in the middle. He might have some good suggestions and you are stuck in a ruck of getting your heckles up everything he speaks. So say for example he hates doing bath time but you hate storytime, can you agree to take on most of what the other hates most and compromising on some and being in charge of some.

No family has a great time all the time.

Everyone goes through peaks and troughs.

It boils down to motivation to get through the troughs. It takes time. And calm open talking honestly.

If you want to both try of course.

I would say, but this just.my style, that a home is the place you can not be perfect, it should be about comfort and love. Not rules and perfection like a boarding school.

If the house is a bit messy perhaps try a "right troops all together (including you and husband) avengers assemble we have 5 minutes and will be timing everyone, towels down, plates, cups down, shoes coats ready for the morning go go go"

Then you can all forget about it for the evening?

Those sort of solutions. Instead of one moaning daddy and stressed out kids and mummy. Announce it. Do it together.