I am at a loss on what to do, I need wise words, triangulation

[Grandmasword]

My parents reside in Spain.
They are over for a little visit for a couple of weeks.
My mum is just past 70 years and lives a good life. DP have worked hard and are now retired. They are relatively well off.

For as long as I can remember my DM triangulates my DB and DS. So when she is alone with me, she will talk about my DS and mostly negative. Then does the same to DS about me. Which means us, the siblings, are confused, angry with each other and not knowing why, and generally upset when DP visit. Its been going on for so long and I am exhausted by the endless negativity and back talking.

I am single. So my DM has decided it is in my best interest to move to Spain to look after them, they will provide everything and I will be happier. Apparently. These are obviously not my wishes.

Up until a year ago I lived in England. This was a massive issue as she likes to control and it meant she was less able to do so as I was so far away. For me it was blizz. Dont get me wrong, I love my mum, however she is overbearing and likes to isolate me with her idea that she knows what is good for me then forces this onto me.

They were abusive as parents for context and are very forceful with their wishes, normally regarding them giving money over as they feel I need it and I am poor and not living life and so forth, but there is always a catch and I am so tired of their meddling with my adult life. I live a very content simple life and wish for nothing. This in their mind is not good enough.

How can I express myself with my DP that I do not wish them meddling in my life as I am fully grown woman and very capable one. Every time I object to them its a massive issue and their forcefulness is overbearing and really belittling.

Thanks for your advise mumsnetters

Are they staying with you?

What do you want to happen OP?

Limit the time they stay with you
don't take their money
don’t engage in conversations about you moving to Spain.

You hold more power than you think.

write an email or text message if you can’t have a face to face conversation

that way it can sink in

@AlisonDonut , no they are staying with another family member.
@MalevolentHairyEyeball Honestly the life I live now is nice, its just when they come over and waltz over my life like I have lost my liberty, it feels draining.

I am at a loss why the feel they can meddle with my life as they dont seem to do this with my other siblings. I am going to talk with my DM tomorrow.

Thank you to everyone, its so daunting dealing with big personalities.
I am truly lost so will try the above.

So you are capable and a grown woman but they are limiting your freedom and they treat you differently to your siblings. That sounds difficult.

Have they always treated you like this?

Can you not contact your sister beforehand and preempt the bashing?

Say I bet you get "grandmasword'life is going nowhere we had such high hopes for our children j don't know where we went wrong with her"

Play parent whinging bingo in your mind basically and text as they go along, I have 4 nearly a line sis! .

And directly with them, I don't want to move to Spain thank you very much parents.

Every time they wind you up find a quiet spot, next to the kettle will do, take some deep breaths, feel the ground beneath you feet and repeat in your head "this to shall pass"

And it will they will be on a plane after 14 days.

@MalevolentHairyEyeball yes. This is also quote clear to my other siblings who are just as tired of this.

@frozendaisy I will be next to that kettle, believe me ha ha. I know my mum feels lonely so I feel for her, and she plays on this, Thanks for the great advise, its helping for sure.

Omk so just visit the once, say 'thanks but I'm happy as I am' and don't get embroiled in any argy bargy.

Your parents are treating you like a child; they do not see you as an equal, they do not respect you. You yourself say they were (are) abusive parents, would you stay close to other people who abuse you? You have been brought up to accept unacceptable behaviour (like me).

But you don't have to accept it, you can set boundaries - e.g. Tell her to stop telling you to move to Spain as it's not happening and you refuse to discuss it, if she does it again tell her you've already said you will not discuss it but if she brings it up again you will hang up. Then if she keeps pushing, you hang up. It will probably create total rage in her so be prepared for that. It could even mean she refuses to speak to you ever again, so be prepared for that too. If you're lucky she may learn that when you set a boundary she needs to respect that.

I see a therapist regularly as I have only begun to understand in the last couple of years how badly I was abused, I didn't realise I had the right, as a human being, to be treated with basic respect. You may find therapy helps you. I also follow some Instagram accounts including understandingthenarc, it has little bite-size pieces which help me. One of the most helpful things I have found (and keep recommending here) is the podcasts by Helen Villiers & Katie McKenna, therapist specialising in narcisistic abuse, there are loads of them, about an hour to an hour and a half long, absolutely eye opening. I'd suggest you might benefit from listening to a couple podcasts.apple.com/ie/podcast/in-sight-exposing-narcissism/id1613030538

@Escapingafter50years your post makes total sense to me. Thankfully she is not over often but when she is she takes over and tells one what is going to happen and she rules, thats it. If you object the silent treatment is put in place along with how much of a victim she is.

This morning l told her to respect me not wanting any future financial input and that it wasn't going to be discussed further. She instantly became the victim, l got gaslit and she has been silent since. I have to stay where she is for 9 hours as l am helping with my little grandson so its a nightmare. She is so difficult.

Thanks for reading and listening, its means al lot as l have no one to talk about this with

OP, I get that about the silent treatment, I had it for years. Never knew why. I might have done something that she thought I shouldn't have done, I might not have done something that she thought I should have done. She would never tell me, I was supposed to know what I had done wrong or not done right. I remember well that sinking cold feeling when I realised I was being ostracised again and didn't know why. Because I'd had this all my life, I didn't realise how dysfunctional, abusive and unacceptable it was.

She would deny it, calling me up (when she had decided she'd punished me enough) "worried about you, I haven't heard from you in so long". When I would say I'd been trying to contact her, she'd say there was something wrong with her phone and she hadn't got any messages, or that it never rang when I called. Total gaslighting. I wish I had understood years before. I know now that she is never going to change so it wouldn't have mattered if I had confronted her about it 20 years or more ago. But a year and a half ago, she finally pushed me over the edge (never babysat or helped with my children, yet told me if I had been a proper mother she would have a better relationship with her grandchildren) and I have not seen her since, and no written correspondence for almost a year. Life is much more peaceful now but it has been hard as her family have all, except one person, cut me off.

I imagine that if you're old enough to have a grandchild, she is probably quite elderly at this point, so I would expect she is very set in her ways and has no intention of changing. So you need to decide are you going to continue to take this abuse, or are you not.

One more thing - my therapist has encouraged me to speak the truth to trusted people. Since I have done that, it's amazing how many people have opened up to me about similar situations they are in. So perhaps you could find someone to share with.

An article about the silent treatment you may find interesting
psychcentral.com/health/the-silent-treatment#is-it-abuse

@Escapingafter50years sounda like we have very similar experience with our mother's. My mum does exactly what your mum does.

She is 72 soon. She is lucid, well off, playes a roke for the outside to see but is really abusive once the doors close. I would never act like this towards my own adult children and we are very close thankfully.

It saddnes me so many of us are in this scenario. Thank you for the excellent advise, l will definitely read the link you sent once l am home from nan duties.

So she's currently in a huff and giving you the silent treatment?

Great. At least she quiet at the moment then, and you don't have to put up with any diatribes for now. What does your father think about her behaviour - does he back her up?

You're welcome OP. Like mine, your mother keeps her abuse for behind closed doors. She knows what she is doing.

My grandmother (whom I adored) lived with us, but every year would spend a month or two staying with one of my aunts. When she cane back, she always told ne how helpful my two female cousins were to my aunt, how wonderful they were etc.

I was sent to stay there one time, alone, and my cousin - the one who was within a few weeks the same age as me) were in 'my' room as I unpacked. I said something about what my grandmother said about them and she burst out laughing. My grandmother always went on to them in the same way about me!

She was geeing us all up to be more helpful to our mothers, and better people altogether and so on. Cheeky old thing! It made us closer if anything which is great (we are still close, into our 60s now).

The thing is to keep communication open with your siblings and not allow what your mother's doing to separate you or spoil your own relationships with each other.

I have no idea what your mum's motivation is, maybe it's all about her, maybe she's hoping you'll compete with other to do things in a 'better' way or treat her differently.

Once she's left can you ring your siblings and say something along the lines of "they've gone, at least they won't be bitching to me about you two until the next time, yes I'm sure she bitches about me too, wonder what she's hoping to achieve". Or will that set the cat among the pigeons.

If you can get the humour into the situation it really takes the sting out and can make you all a lot closer.