Should I stay in my marriage for the sake of the kids?

[Dontfollowme]

My marriage is over from my side. I haven't told my husband yet. We have been married for 18 years. During this time my husband has been emotionally withdrawn and not wanted an intimate relationship despite my best efforts. Over the years I have bought this up, nothing changed. We are very amicable and have 3 children aged 17, 15 and 13. My husband has, over 18 years been violent on 5 occasions towards the dc and on one occasion me. Nothing too serious, he lost his temper and slapped my son, has draged him across the floor etc. I am not belittling this, but want these episodes to be seen as sporadic over 18 years. Violence is violence, but it is unfair to paint him as a bad man. He has been thoughtless towards me, forgeting birthdays, etc. For some reason I just tried harder to make him love me, but I'm over that now. It is important for me to stress that he is a kind man, just thoughtless and has had a lot of childhood trauma to process himself. He started therapy this year at my suggestion and we are currently in couples therapy. At home our children have NO IDEA anything is wrong. Historically I have been a people pleaser and kept the peace. It's just not in my naure to be shouty/nagging. If we didnt have children, I would leave him tomorrow and never look back. If you've read this far thanks, my question is, as my kids are all in midst of GCSE's or soon to be midst A-levels do I stay until my youngest turns 18? We are very amicable and plutonic towards one another, so the house is pleasant atmosphere for the children. Equally, we are financially well off, I stopped work last year after selling my business because I needed time and space to figure my life out. I now do not have an income, so am totally financially dependent on him. My ability to earn is limited as my business came second to the children so I could be a full time carer and look afer his mum who died last year. Please tell me if you stayed for the children or if you left and what were the pro's and con's. Thank you so much for reading and your advice.

As a child whose mother stayed in an unhappy marriage " for the children" and thought there wasn't an atmosphere or that we didn't know Dad had been cheating for years; please don't stay unless you want to. Yes the divorce and move was tough, but far preferable than what was there beforehand. Better parents happy and apart than miserable together.

Sorry but all that stood out to me there was 'nothing too serious, he slapped my son and dragged him across the floor'. Really?

No, do not stay in this marriage. Please leave and protect your children.

Hi there. Sorry to hear this is the place you’re at. I came on to say never stay for the children’s sake because what kind of atmosphere are you making them live under and what are you teaching about how to respond to their own needs if you don’t model this behaviour.

But!

Since they’re about to get involved in GCSEs and A Levels and since at the moment you’re financial dependant on your husband, it sounds fairer and kinder to your children (and prudent for you financially) it sounds much more sensible to wait until the children are through these exams until you change their lives in this way. Also, because you say you are amicable it doesn’t sound as though home life is stressful for any of you as it is so that’s another reason I’m changing my response to a ‘stay for now’.

As an adult who was slapped and dragged across the floor by my dad as a kid, please leave. Far more damaging to me than the (sporadic and similar to what you describe) abuse was the message I received from her staying. I learnt that my feelings and safety were less important than appeasing this aggressive, selfish man. Less important than maintaining the pretence. It took me years to unpick this damage. I’m still finding little bits of it in my 40s. Please leave.

What a sad situation.

I would conceptualise it differently and tell myself that I need to use the next 3 years to form a solid exit plan. It doesn’t sound like you’re ready yet to start a new life as a singleton, and trying to support an adolescent lad through this time could make your life really tricky.

Year 1 should be about getting yourself into full time work, start saving, and make sure you’re 100% on top of the finances including all your DH pension assets ahead of divorce proceedings. Also about changing how you react to things the DH does, so you aren’t people-pleasing. Let your boys know subtly that things aren’t perfect and you won’t put up with crap treatment from dh.

Year 2 should be about planning where you will live and what your future life will look like. It will be a shock being alone when you separate, even though you might enjoy a rush of relief. You’ll be an empty nester and a new divorcee - your boys will already or will soon be off and away living their lives and it may be a while before they remember “poor old mum” left behind. Will you leave the marital home? Will you stay until the divorce occurs? What ambitions do you have and what steps can you take now to make sure you land positively in your newly single life?

Then Year 3 is execution of your plans.

Ive seen families split the month the youngest finished A levels. As long as it really is amicable up to that point, you might fare well just hanging on. If you’re at breaking point it’s a different matter.

'Less important than maintaining the pretence. It took me years to unpick this damage. I’m still finding little bits of it in my 40s.'

Same here. Do not underestimate the impact of this situation on your children. You say they have 'no idea' of what's really going on. You and your husband are living a lie - the children know that, or if they don't, they will very soon

Also, you are seriously minimising your husband's history of violent behaviour against the children. 'Only five incidents '? That's horrifying. You need to be honest with yourself about your minimising of your husband's behaviour, and to ask yourself why you are doing it

At home our children have NO IDEA anything is wrong.

This is the most untrue statement ever made, and one I see frequently on mn. You are in denial. Children always know.