Don't know what to do - DH and I just cannot communicate

[Shefliesonherownwings]

DH and I have been together 10 years, married for 7. We have a DS and another on the way. We have been through a really rough period over the past four years as we lost our DD very suddenly and unexpectedly and we have both suffered/continue to suffer with MH issues and PTSD as a result.

We've always had different communication styles when it comes to conflict. I like to address things head on there and then. DH likes to shy away and brush things under the carpet. But things have been pretty bad in terms of us communicating since DS was born and I will take a lot of the early blame for that. After DS was born I suffered with PNA and was very controlling over DS. I struggled to let anyone else do anything for DS including DH and was very short, snappy/shouty and pretty unkind to him. I ended up having CBT and felt much better by the time DS was one. I do have a bit of short fuse but over the past year or so I've tried very hard to just speak much more kindly and calmly to DH when we disagree or we have differences of opinion.

However, DH seems to continually hold my previous behaviour over me. I feel as if I cannot disagree with him, express a different view or god forbid ask him to do/not to something without him huffing, rolling his eyes and a lot of the time sulking and ignoring me and accusing me of snapping. When I pull him up on this (no matter how nicely) he then accuses me of not speaking nicely to him and trying to start an argument. I seem to get the above response in whatever way I say something and on whatever topic. For example, I recently asked him to give me a heads up when he is planning to go out to the gym or golf or something because he often just announces he is going and I politely asked him to give me a bit more notice so I can plan around him. I got the huffing and eye rolling. When I recently reminded him that he really needs to make sure the lid of the bleach bottle is on until it clicks as it's a safety issue, same response.

Yesterday things came to a head as we were clearing out our third bedroom to turn from an office back into a bedroom for DS and he was messing around with my work stuff. I asked him several times to just leave it and i'd sort out my laptop and monitor etc... and he just continued on and on with me saying to leave it, i'd take a look in a minute. He again told me not to snap. I can honestly say hand on my heart, I spoke very calmly and politely, I wasn't short and didn't raise my voice, despite my frustration rising. I just kept repeating calmly that I would sort it in a minute. When he told me not to snap, I asked him how I was snapping and in what was was I not speaking nicely. He wouldn't answer and said I wanted to cause an argument and walked off.

Later on, he tried to brush it all off but I am so fed up of feeling I can't say anything to him without this response that I said I wanted to get this resolved and sorted. I told him how I feel and that what ever way I say anything, I get dismissed and accused of being short/snappy etc... I again asked him to tell me how I had been snapping and how he wanted to me say things to him. Again, he couldn't answer and just said 'you think you're right and I think i'm right, end of'. He wouldn't discuss further. We're now barely talking.

Previously we have always just brushed things off but I can't pretend anymore. This is becoming such an issue for me because I genuinely feel I cannot express myself honestly without him acting like this. As a consequence I feel like there's little point me saying anything at all. I really want to try to get this sorted but I feel that whilst I am trying to see his point of view and understand, he refuses to see mine and has become entrenched in painting me as this horrible shouty snappy person whenever I don't agree with him or go along with what he wants. I really can't see how to sort it as he won't have a conversation about it and I don't want to paper over it and pretend everything is fine. I fear this is going to split us up.

I should also say that I know DH would point blank refuse any sort of couples counselling. He refused all counselling and therapy after we lost DD aside from some focused EMDR to deal with his PTSD.

Anyone else experienced similar? Any advice?

If he won’t speak to you politely, and he won’t go for counselling, I can’t see it changing. Then you need to decide what you would do.
You could always go to counselling for yourself to help you decide how to move forward.

He has lingering anger and resentment over how you were while suffering with PNA by the sounds of it. Unfair but sort of understandable if he struggles to talk about his feelings because they have nowhere to go and so just fester and get magnified in his head. In his mind that's who you are now and so he sees every interaction through that lens.

He badly needs to work through his feelings about that time somehow but I don't know how if he won't consider counselling. I don't know enough about EMDR to know whether it could be used in that way but maybe worth exploring if it's the only kind of therapy he might consider?

Thanks both. Appreciate your replies.

@KangarooKenny I see a counsellor once a week. Initially for PTSD but now for more generalised counselling. I have talked to her about this before but will obviously discuss recent events. I'm just not sure what she can say about how to approach this if DH won't discuss it.

@Irrelevantdata I totally understand why DH is pre disposed to be on guard with me given my earlier behaviour but I am so much better now. I don't know how to get him to see that. I doubt EMDR would work, it very specifically focuses on trauma and the traumatic event itself. DH was suffering with flashbacks, nightmares, outbursts etc... so the EMDR really honed in on that and what happened with DD. It really helped with what he was experiencing but I don't think it's designed for this sort of issue. I'll check it out though.

I’ve had EDMR for insomnia. It’s also used for anxiety and depression.

It sounds like there’s still some unresolved trauma going on from the loss of your DD. And sorry am I right in thinking you also did a thread about how you’re finding expecting DS2 a bit of an emotional struggle as you were hoping for a DD? (Completely understandable but wondering whether this has played into his feelings and heightened them a bit more).

DH can also be like this - avoids conflict, goes into his ‘Kevin the teenager’ mode when asked to do things, says I’m ‘nagging’ when I’m just asking, and in a way it is a kind of male reaction in my experience when the pressure is on.

But it sounds like there is a bit more going on here, would he reconsider therapy at all? Do you ever talk in detail about DD or do you try to brush over the subject because it’s painful? 💐

@Cuppasoupmonster you have remembered correctly. Yes I did post around Christmas time I think it was, about struggling with the disappointment of having another DS. I will say that that disappointment is easing for me and DH is definitely helping with that. He's very excited for another boy and we're talking lots about the new baby so not sure if that is playing into things as it doesn't seem to be something he is struggling with in the same way I am. But it may be a factor.

He will not consider therapy of any kind. I have had bereavement counselling, CBT, PTSD/trauma counselling etc... but he refused everything. Aside from the EMDR but I suspect he went for that because he knew it could focus very specifically in on the trauma event and he wouldn't have to talk to much about grief and DD. In all honesty it is another issue between us that we don't really talk about DD. DH finds it too painful, and struggles to even say her name. I find that very hard because I want and need to talk about her. It brings me comfort to do so. I end up talking about her with family and friends and my counsellor. But it pains me not to be able to talk about her to DH. I've broached this with him and asked whether we can put a couple of pictures up for example but he simply finds it all too difficult, so as a couple we don't talk of her :(

So glad to hear you’re feeling a bit better and looking forward to meeting your lovely baby. Sounds like that’s not something playing on his mind from what you’ve said, but it sounds like generalised grief could be. Such a shame he won’t try some other forms of therapy as it sounds like he’s bottled a lot of it up and it’s ‘coming out’ in the form of a short fuse and irritation. Hard to suggest anything as you can’t make him try it, and from what you’ve said it sounds like he could be annoyed if you even suggest it. I suppose it depends on whether it’s getting better/worse and whether you feel I can be with him while he is like this 💐