Wife has had an affair

[Tellingteller]

First off thank you to everyone who responds even if your views are not aligned with my beliefs. Secondly, I am a dad, not a mum apologies, I am hear looking for another perspective.

My wife and I have been together for over 7 years and married for over 3. We have a nearly 2 year old child and my wife is currently pregnant.

3 weeks ago I found out that she was having an affair that has gone on for approximately 9 months but arguably more. It has been sexual for about 6 months and physically sexual for 4 months according to the tale I've been told. There is a possibility that my wife is carrying the other man's child however she says this is extremely unlikely as they apparently used protection.

My current child is confirmed mine by DNA which was completed recently. I am awaiting results for the unborn child.

The affair was discovered by me. Initially my wife lied and said it was just friends and tried to gaslight me. I had already collected evidence. I have her 2 days to think about it and read up on affairs and then I challenged her again, she continued to lie. I presented her with evidence and she trickle truthed me,v eventually saying they had sex once, and then a second time. She has said the affair was mainly emotional for her.

Prior to the affair being discovered I had noticed issues in our relationship and tried to go to her with my concerns and get it back on track, she was not interested at all and just emotionally stonewalled me.

Now she is saying she doesn't want to be with him, she wants me and the family etc etc. She has sent a no contact message although initially phoned him behind my back for an hour and said they could talk for a bit (this was before they knew I had the full story) so she was intending to stay in contact and she had told me that she intended it to be just friends, I know this is almost certainly a lie.

Since the discovery my wife has been feeling very sorry for herself, she has had a breakdown and had self harmed. She has also said she wants to fix/reconcile and has done every practical task I ask of her.

I have said I will consider reconciliation as if we can rebuild I think it will be better for our child, although I know that this might not be possible.

We are both attending therapy and look to take therapy as a couple after our individual sessions have ended.

At the moment it is almost entirely me driving the reconcilation, I am holding my adultering wife's head above water and have not lashed out at her and let my anger and devastation boil over. I am being true to myself and currently being a better husband than I have been at previous points in our marriage.

I am hear to ask for advice and for people to tell me if they think I am mad for dealing with it the way I am. I am very isolated at the moment and don't really feel like there is any progress in reconciliation but I know it's very very early days. I would like to know if anyone had been through anything similar and if they succeeded with reconciliation? I've heard from enough people online who say divorce is the best answer already, I'm not saying it won't be the way for us but I'm looking for alternative hope if possible.

Thank you

I have read your post and even though I do not have any experience of an affair within marriage I felt I should reply. You are in a very difficult predicament because there is a child involved and another one in the way. It is not a good idea to mske decisions in the heat of the moment. Perhaps when things are more settled decisions can be made. I commend you in not getting angry. Your wife is definitely in the wrong here. Don"t let her manipulate you. Open up to the counsellor. Sending u my best wishes

I think you're handling it in a very admirable way and I'm sorry you're going through this.

Marriages can recover from affairs but there needs to be complete honesty and
accountability and while this is primarily true for the partner who committed the affair, it also means that the other partner (ie you) needs to take responsibility for their failings in the marriage. (This doesn't mean the betrayed spouse is responsible for the affair of course). It sounds as though you're engaging in that way so hats off to you.

Your wife will need to (a) deal with her emotional turmoil and (b) accept and deal with her responsibility in order for you to move on. You also need your hurt and betrayal to be taken seriously.

I guess you need to understand why she embarked on the affair and whether it was a conscious decision from not-cheating to cheating or whether it was an initial attraction/friendship that grew into something more.

She's pregnant and already mum to a young child, even though she is the guilty party she is likely to be feeling very vulnerable right now, this does not excuse what she has done but is worth bearing in mind.

Do you have real life support? Have you oepend up to friends and family?

You cannt drive this reconciliation on your own, your wife has to want it too. It sounds like she has checked out and is just going through the motions. I get that you need to try but in reality your marriage is over.

(I've tried to remain neutral in my response but please don't think that I believe you are in someway at fault)

I've been through the same thing.

I commend your rational and calm attitude. It sounds like your wife is not coping well and you will need to guide your family through this - whether that is to reconciliation or to divorce and co-parenting.

Don't do anything quickly. Observe your wife carefully, it will become apparent soon enough if she is prepared to do what it takes to fix your marriage.

Also keep in mind you may not be able to live with this level of betrayal. If at any point you come to realise this you can call time on this relationship. There are no prizes in life for sacrificing your own mental health for a relationship which isn't healthy for you.

Be wary of marriage counselling. The primary aim of the councillor is normally to "fix" the marriage. This isn't necessarily putting your interests first.

Another long scenario from you

Sorry OP, what a mess.

How far along is your wife's pregnancy?

I do think you need to sit down and think about outcomes and where your red lines are here. How much are you prepared to tolerate here? What if the new child is not yours?

It sounds like your wife has realised her world is collapsing around her and it is her fault. She is desperately trying to cling on to some stability and isn't really focussed on anyone else but herself. You won't get any progress on reconciliation whilst she is in this state. She may also still have feelings for her affair partner as well, certainly her actions suggest so. I think her actions towards you are being primarily motivated by fear.

I am not going to advise you what to do beyond saying that you primary focus should be on doing what is best for you and your child (possibly children). I'd keep at the therapy and take no firm action until you know the outcome of the paternity testing.

Check out overcominginfidelity website

There are a lot of resources (eg books) for marriages to get back on track after cheating (and I'm sure those resources will also teach you how to discern if the marriage is worth repairing). They're usually geared towards women I think. I don't know the specific names but they're well known enough that I have often heard about them, so should be easy to find.

I meant www.survivinginfidelity.com/

How many weeks pregnant is she?

This is really tough and not something I think I could get past tbh you sound like a very reasonable man to even consider working on things. A one night stupid mistake would be hard but an affair that last months is another thing. Has she said why she had the affair and if she still has feelings for the other person? I really think a relationship needs to be based on trust for it work so you need to ask yourself whether or not you can trust her again. I can completely understand wanting things to work out when you have a child and another on the way but as your the only one driving the reconciliation then I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like your wife's heart is in it.

If she’s self harming and if there’s any possibility of your first child, or the health of the foetus, being at risk then I think staying in the house with her until the birth is the responsible thing to do. It’ll be painful, but it’s a matter of months to get through.

Once that upheaval’s over and possibly depending on the results of the paternity test, (and how committed your wife is to talking through the affair and underlying issues), then you can make the decision that suits you under the prevailing circumstances.

Hi OP - I think you deserved more support than you've been shown. For one thing - you are going to feel deeply traumatised right now and you must get yourself some counselling from someone experienced with infidelity. Secondly, you're not in any place to make decisions about your future - this is all so fresh in your head. Part of you will be desperate to want to turn the clock back and make it go away, but you can't. You will swing between anger, sadness, anxiety, compassion, all the while trying to hold things together for you family. Finally, don't be manipulated. Your DW sounds abusive, not just lying to your face but gaslighting you - that's how much she cared for your mental wellbeing, that's how much she loved you and valued your relationship, while betraying you hideously. Threatening self harm is also more commonly a deeply manipulative tactic to gain sympathy. But she will be pining after the loss of her AP all the while hiding it from you.
Be aware that your feelings will change, and your feelings toward her will change. The person you thought she was isn't who she is. But this shift in perception won't happen overnight.
It's good you are attending couples therapy- but as I said, you definitely need individual counselling.
She will always be mother to at least one of your children - and for that reason you are admirable in not making her life hard. But that absolutely doesn't mean that you owe it to her or your children to reconcile. Give yourself space and time. Trust is the foundation of every relationship and you are starting from scratch again, so be kind to yourself and allow yourself boundaries. Good luck OP

I have no experience of this so cannot imagine what you are going through, but too me the biggest issue would be the denial/ manipulation / minimalism of the affair
if there is a 2nd child and it’s not yours, I think that would enough to end the relationship for me