Bit fixated by BF ex

Livelifelaughter · 2023-02-07T11:49:50+00:00

My bf is in his 50s he is friends with a number of ex girlfriends - in fact I think most of his female friendships are former ex's. When I met him at a wedding 7 months ago he had been single for 6 weeks after a 9 month relationship (I honestly thought he said 6 months but there you go). He didn't seem to have much to do with his last ex until around Christmas when he told me he had met up with her and she was now a friend. Now they seem to have an occasional coffee, one earlier this month, but they definitely message etc. I have become a bit fixated on her. He posted quite a few pictures with her on Instagram and they seemed to be off on trips and holidays and for some reason I am starting to compare the relationship ( which ended because he said he wasn't emotionally available and it fizzled out). I trust him, but I just feel it's an unnecessary friendship to be honest, if they had finished years ago I really wouldn't have a problem. I tend to over think and tie myself in knots about things, any thoughts?

supercali77 · 07/02/2023 12:00

I think what I'd be more reticent about is it ended 6 weeks before meeting you due to emotional unavailability. Has he ever had a long term relationship? Been married? Lots of exes as pals suggests lots of shorter term relationships

blondieblonde · 07/02/2023 12:01

My boyfriend has a tendency to do this too and I don’t understand it either.

yousexybugger · 07/02/2023 12:01

He sounds shady. If he was unavailable with this last woman only 6 weeks before you met then what's changed? And I think he should've told you before the fact that he was meeting an ex for a friendly coffee. Of course people can be friends with exes etc but it's something that has to be handled with consideration for the current partner. I get the impression he's charming but a bit all about himself? If so, he won't change. It'll be more of these sorts of things.

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 07/02/2023 12:02

supercali77 · 07/02/2023 12:00

I think what I'd be more reticent about is it ended 6 weeks before meeting you due to emotional unavailability. Has he ever had a long term relationship? Been married? Lots of exes as pals suggests lots of shorter term relationships

Yes, previously married with 2 adult children and has been separated from his wife for almost 3 years, divorce is held up because of trying to agree financials.

OP posts:

2crossedout1 · 07/02/2023 12:03

To be honest he sounds like a bit of a player OP. Which is fine if you're after a casual relationship, but are you looking for something more serious?

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 07/02/2023 12:08

yousexybugger · 07/02/2023 12:01

He sounds shady. If he was unavailable with this last woman only 6 weeks before you met then what's changed? And I think he should've told you before the fact that he was meeting an ex for a friendly coffee. Of course people can be friends with exes etc but it's something that has to be handled with consideration for the current partner. I get the impression he's charming but a bit all about himself? If so, he won't change. It'll be more of these sorts of things.

That's interesting. Yes he is completely charming and attentive. I agree I think there needs to be some consideration rather than it being brushed away... He is working on his emotional availability and when he was seeing this woman he hadn't discussed divorce with his ex which is now something he is moving along..

OP posts:

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 07/02/2023 12:10

2crossedout1 · 07/02/2023 12:03

To be honest he sounds like a bit of a player OP. Which is fine if you're after a casual relationship, but are you looking for something more serious?

Yes I am and he knows that too.

OP posts:

FenghuangHoyan · 07/02/2023 12:11

Screw that. If I was dating a person who decided they wanted to start having coffee with their ex, that would be the end of that. She's either history or she's not.

Sounds like you're being used so he can look like he's "moved on", which he clearly hasn't, and he is now trying to move back.

Even if he's not wanting to get back with her, you don't start having coffee and chats with recent exs.

LoekMa · 07/02/2023 12:30

Find the terminology "unnecessary friendship" interesting.

Are all your friendships "necessary" or transactional in nature?

That being said, you jumped headfirst into a situationship with a man who was nowhere near being emotionally available

Thems the breaks

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 07/02/2023 12:37

LoekMa · 07/02/2023 12:30

Find the terminology "unnecessary friendship" interesting.

Are all your friendships "necessary" or transactional in nature?

That being said, you jumped headfirst into a situationship with a man who was nowhere near being emotionally available

Thems the breaks

Bit harsh! What I meant was he has other long standing friends and personally I think a recent ex isn't exactly a friendship a person really needs but perhaps I am wrong. Also, he didn't tell me the reason for the end of that relationship until recently when I asked, by which time we are 7 months in and his personal circumstances regarding his divorce have changed...

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 07/02/2023 12:44

I think that if you're feeling the need to post on a forum about a relationship within the first few months of a relationship, you are a) in the wrong relationship and b) not adept at knowing how to choose a healthy relationship.

He is who he is. It's not your job or responsibility to decide on the worthiness of his friendships, or anything else in his life. Your responsibility is for you. You need to decide if he fits you, as he is. If you don't like the way he does things, it's not about him needing to change his life or behaviour, it's about you choosing people whose lives and behaviours you do like.

Watchkeys · 07/02/2023 12:51

think a recent ex isn't exactly a friendship a person really needs but perhaps I am wrong

There is no right or wrong. Adults make their own rules, for themselves. There isn't a conclusive list anywhere of necessary and unnecessary friendships. He is the boss of what he does. You are the boss of taking care of your own preferences. If you don't like what he's doing, tell him, and if it doesn't change, then distance yourself from him. You don't have to like the things he, or anybody, does. You have to design your life to make you happy and meet your needs.

Scooby5kids · 07/02/2023 12:54

Sounds like he's keeping her in his life as a back up option if you two don't work out

Christmaspyjamas · 07/02/2023 12:55

Run!!!

You're fixated because he is intentionally though subconsciously trying to undermine your confidence.

His harem of ex girlfriend's gives him an ego boost and keeps you on your toes.

Triangulation.

He will soon start accusing you of irrational jealousy and controlling behaviour.

I hate him.

Scooby5kids · 07/02/2023 12:58

Watchkeys · 07/02/2023 12:44

I think that if you're feeling the need to post on a forum about a relationship within the first few months of a relationship, you are a) in the wrong relationship and b) not adept at knowing how to choose a healthy relationship.

He is who he is. It's not your job or responsibility to decide on the worthiness of his friendships, or anything else in his life. Your responsibility is for you. You need to decide if he fits you, as he is. If you don't like the way he does things, it's not about him needing to change his life or behaviour, it's about you choosing people whose lives and behaviours you do like.

Truth. Personally I don't feel like there should be these kind of issues so early in a relationship. I would definitely feel weird about a new boyfriend seeing an ex, unless they were married and they have kids together where I'd expect them to remain on good speaking terms.

Watchkeys · 07/02/2023 13:01

Christmaspyjamas · 07/02/2023 12:55

Run!!!

You're fixated because he is intentionally though subconsciously trying to undermine your confidence.

His harem of ex girlfriend's gives him an ego boost and keeps you on your toes.

Triangulation.

He will soon start accusing you of irrational jealousy and controlling behaviour.

I hate him.

Wow, what a load of pointless conjecture. The only salient point is that op doesn't like what he's doing. Drama about what he may or may not do in the future is just that: drama.

MarshaMelrose · 07/02/2023 13:02

I can see exactly where he's coming from. He's only out of a clearly long marriage for three years. He maybe feels a bit bruised, like he's let down his children - no matter what age they are. No matter what he might think or want, his subconscious at least isn't ready to move back into giving his all to someone else again. And I think it's fine to stay friends with peoole that you like but no longer have an interest in sharing a future with.
However, his honesty has shown you that he's not ready for a serious relationship with a committed future just yet. So if, as you say, that's what you're looking for, you're not in the right place for each other.

Christmaspyjamas · 07/02/2023 13:08

Cheers @Watchkeys

Going to be a busy day for you calling out all the conjecture on Mumsnet...do crack on. Thank goodness for people Iike you policing the boards and rating the quality of others' opinions

We're all in awe

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 07/02/2023 13:21

MarshaMelrose · 07/02/2023 13:02

I can see exactly where he's coming from. He's only out of a clearly long marriage for three years. He maybe feels a bit bruised, like he's let down his children - no matter what age they are. No matter what he might think or want, his subconscious at least isn't ready to move back into giving his all to someone else again. And I think it's fine to stay friends with peoole that you like but no longer have an interest in sharing a future with.
However, his honesty has shown you that he's not ready for a serious relationship with a committed future just yet. So if, as you say, that's what you're looking for, you're not in the right place for each other.

I agree, he really feels that he has torn his children's life apart. The trouble is that I really besotted with him. I haven't had more than numerous dates and relationships lasting a few months since my divorce. We share a lot of emotional intimacies. I have also had a recent bereavement and he was so supportive and kind.

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supercali77 · 07/02/2023 13:26

Thing is, if its making you uncomfortable and fixated, thats a problem, whatever his reasons. Have you said anything about your discomfort to him? If not, I would start there and see how he responds.