Echos of the past with first love

[Bory]

Hi there - I am new so apologies if not in right place.

Many years ago I had my first love relationship I was 18 he 20. It was intense and throughout the decades we have kept in touch on with each other. When I was 18 his friend caught us in a compromising position and at the time I felt utterly shamed. I had been sexually assaulted as a child and my mother blamed me so I have always felt hugely private about those issues. I also grew up in an expat community which was very closed with people loving nothing more than to sit and gossip and pull people apart. I have always been private and controlled and conscious of my reputation - sad but that is misogyny for you. Ergo what happened was really impactful. We my boyfriend and I never spoke if it, did the British thing and swept it under the carpet.

Long story short we reconnected and we fell in love again. And it is wonderful. He told me this friend, I thought he they had drifted apart was his best man (he is divorced) and they occasionally still see each other. They are both in the armed forces - a closed system socially. So he, his friend and their wives at the time were having lunch and the friend regales everyone with tales of what happened and all centred on 18 year old me. I now feel utterly sick and humiliated and now know that I will feel very uncomfortable meeting any of his friends. If I confront him it will probably make him worse, if I out myself then that defeats the purpose. I am thinking of just walking away as with my history I know those kind of closed environments and know I will be talked about. It is out there anyway now. It is probably illogical and the real idiot is an older man sitting there telling salacious tales about an 18 year old young girl in front of two women but I feel sick. Hope someone can advise - I know with my history and growing up where I grew up that I assume that people just love to gossip and not consider that their words wound. Anyway hope you can help. Thanks

When you say a compromising position, do you just mean having sex with your boyfriend? It sounds like he sex shamed the young you and you're still struggling with that.
You're an adult now. If you have to meet him I would just confront him and say you think it's creepy to hear he's been spreading stories about something that happened when you were teenagers as it was decades ago.

Yes I also have to consider whether I would enjoy being in an environment where that happens and it is obviously ok. No one stopped him or said hang on a sec. As I say two men and their wives. I would have and have said things when men have started on about what some woman may or may not have gotten up to in the past - I think it is grim

Every right to feel upset
But
Think of it this way you can date him without getting involved with the army wives club you can be separate from that
And
No one judges what an 18 year old did. He is clearly not ashamed and you shouldn't be either. You were having sex and both legal there is nothing wrong with that it is natural and you cared about him enough to do that
I wonder if the abuse you have had is making this disgusting worse in your head and to everyone else involved and the wives that heard it probably think it's a harmless story and haven't even given it a second thought.
If you do meet then and it is mentioned just respond with ' oh wow are we that immature that we are discussing an 18 year old woman and a 20 year old man's sex like, gosh I think you need to get some hobbies'

Shouldn't say disgusting it should say situation

You haven't done anything wrong. You have done nothing to be ashamed of. You were doing what 18 year olds do, it is completely and absolutely normal and healthy.

These people can't judge you, don't give them the power. That's a long time to be carrying something around, is there any way you could maybe engage with a therapist to work this through?

When you say noone stopped him telling the story, are you disappointed that your partner didn't stop him talking about it?

It sounds like you don't feel particularly safe in that environment, and that's not going to be easy. I'd speak with your partner about it and try to explain how you feel, would that be possible, rather than end it?

I'm also wondering why your partner has passed on the information to you, that you were the subject of tales being regaled around the dinner table? Does he have any knowledge of how you feel about what happened?

I am so sorry this happened, and can understand why it feels so awful. I would feel the same illogical crushing shame, though I would also know I did nothing wrong.

However, with perspective, I can see that the friend probably just thought it was an insignificant funny story: " Haha, you'll never guess what happened...20 years ago I walked in on Bory and Bory's boyfriend, and got an eyeful. So funny!! Can you believe they are back together, etc"

People would think it is just a funny story, maybe a bit of a laugh, something to be amused at, and to think it is really sweet that you have found one another again!

People would not be judging or looking down on you, or even very interested. They would forget that immediately, unless it became a sort of recurring joke, in which case your boyfriend should just quietly and privately to tell people to cut it out because it's kind of an embarrassing memory.

I know thanks all and yes the sexual assault and being blamed does weigh heavily.

When his friend caught us we never spoke about it and not did until recently- I think he wanted to warn me as and my view it was a long time ago, most mature people don’t drag up embarrassing sexual stuff from years back, why embarrass or shame someone? If we met again my thinking was be pleasant polite do the chit chat no big deal. I never anticipated he would bring that up. For what purpose? And yes me growing up in a small expat community which is riven with gossip and tittle tattle means I know how these closed environments. And it does feel unsafe - I am actually a part qualified UKCP psychotherapist so I know my own process. In my own personal therapy I have been dealing with other things and this has blindsided me - I have lived long enough to know that most people just skate past embarrassing past moments.