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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mother/adult daughter/ grandchild issues

5 replies

Daughterissues · 07/02/2023 10:35

I am having some issues with my relationship with my mother and not really sure what it's called, she belittles me in front of my kids and then takes over with them, and when I try to challenge this I get told I'm ungrateful and that I would fail without her, yes sometimes I am not the best person or parent we all have bad days, but I feel like I'm constantly being put down and told I can't parent my kids (and in front of them!) I also get called and text all the time, even when I'm busy and it's making me feel very claustrophobic. I mention something casually in conversation, and she does it. Then tells me that she did x so I should be grateful even though I didn't ask for it. I then feel like if I can't afford x then I would be denying my kids for no real reason. I want to say no though. She says no strings but there are always strings attached. When I'm worried about something managing her stress about it is my biggest issue. I don't want to have a big falling out, I just need her to respect that I am an adult and a parent in my own right, and sometimes need a break from the intensity. This is making me feel very hopeless and depressed, and that then makes me less capable to manage things, and then she goes aha see you do need me. I feel like the only way to cut these strings is to be perfect, but I never will be perfect, that doesn't mean I'm not an adult and deserve to be treated like this. Thank you for reading

OP posts:
LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 07/02/2023 12:05

Tell her the next time she belittles you, you will leave. If it's at your house, she has to go. And do it. If it's by phone, hang up Only have superficial conversations and learn to 'grey rock.' If she asks you specific questions, be vague. Don't get into arguments with her as she'll always turn it back on you.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 07/02/2023 12:09

You don't have to text her whenever she does. Start to pull back. Text her twice a day, then once a day. If she gets shirty just say,"I've been busy, How are you mum?" And deflect it. By the sound of it, she'll be difficult anyway so you need to build your own boundaries.

ShippingNews · 07/02/2023 12:14

Perhaps it would help if you didn't tell her about these things? I know what it's like to have a parent like this - it stopped when I stopped sharing my life with her. Keep your conversation light and don't share anything with her . Just because she is your mother, you aren't obligated to tell everything.

Daughterissues · 08/02/2023 11:02

Our lives are totally enmeshed. I fear if I change things she will withdraw help with childcare and then I will lose my job.

I feel horribly disloyal ever saying a negative word about her, but realise we have ended up in an abusive pattern where she feels like she can control my actions and that I have no right to space or privacy

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/02/2023 11:42

Can you not find a childminder re the kids?. Your mother is not emotionally healthy enough to be around you, let alone your children.

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