Your thoughts would be so welcome.

[Lindycg]

Hi, please help me here? I turned 70 in April, was then diagnosed with breast cancer (not the best birthday present I've ever had) and went through the ops and treatment alone because my two daughters live in other countries. We all came together at Christmas at my elder daughter's home in Scotland. I live alone (and still work) so the company was fantastic. Since coming home though I've come to the realisation my daughters are gaslighting me. One is 'too busy' to Facetime even to let me see my baby grandchild, the other is just ignoring me. I know the question will be 'what have I done' to have this situation, but I love these girls and their families, I don't interfere, I don't ask for anything, I'm always there for them when they've needed help and/or support. I notice they have time to be on Facebook and Insta, so you can imagine how this hurts. I don't belabour my brush with cancer but what with that and my age - who knows what time I have left (although I'm doing everything to live a longer life)? Your thoughts would be so appreciated because this situation hurts and confuses me. Many thanks.

I don't have any advice, I'm sure someone will but I just wanted to point out that my first thought from reading this post was not 'what has she done?' like you mention.

You sound like a lovely lady who's going through a really tough time and I'm so sorry you don't have the support around you that you need.

Im sure others will be along with advice but I just wanted to send you all my love and best wishes for your recovery

I also thought you came across as lovely. I'm sorry that I don't have any good advice. Do they know about your diagnosis? If they do I think I would be hurt yes 💐

Thank you for responding so kindly, I do so appreciate your message. xxx

Oh and my daughters do know of my diagnosis and were actually supportive throughout my treatment which I so appreciated but wouldn't take advantage of. Its just all so confusing. xx

Thank you for such a lovely response - THANK YOU! xx

I’m very sorry about your illness and hope your treatment is going well and you feel better.

How often do you want to speak to your DDs and how often do you actually get to? Eg if you want to speak to them every day that probably isn’t realistic.

Also, could you give some more examples of how they are gaslighting you? From the description it just sounds like they are ignoring you which isn’t the same thing (gaslighting is deliberately making you question your sanity), so difficult to understand what the full issue is here.

Thank you so much for your response. And thanks for your explanation of 'gaslighting'. So we get to 'ignored' - all communication with my elder daughter is 'ignored'. As much as I'd like to be in daily contact with them, even if its just a text to let me know what they're doing/the children are doing, I don't expect that. I send occasional texts that one daughter ignores completely and didn't even answer her phone when I phoned her (a very rare occurrence as I know she's busy). The other daughter ignores some texts and now responds with 'too busy to Facetime). I am thankfully through my cancer treatment and help support others going through the process. I love my family, they're vibrant, go-getting people.

Hi Fellow Scot! I'm sorry you're feeling like this. It must hurt.
I'm 51 now but I think in retrospect I was probably quite selfish in my 20s and 30s towards my mum. However, she kind of encouraged it by being totally independent and making it very clear that I have to live my own life. Unfortunately, you must have done a great job of being a mum as your daughters are living their own lives. If they have families of their own this can all feel full on and in reality you are currently not their central thought. You're working and getting on with your life. I would continue to do so, make sure you live your life on your terms and do what fulfils you. Maybe hold off on the texts and reaching out to them for a bit.
They may also have felt a bit drained from supporting you with your illness, it's a reality that they may feel they want to step back a bit. They must be close in their hearts to you to have been their fir you.
I would do what they're doing and get on with your life. You can pretty much rest assured they will need you in their next crises. I know it might be great to have a lovely close mother daughter friendship but in reality thats often not a balanced or one that's really desirable for many women.
I really wish you well. I think times of crossroads in our lives such as ageing and illness are hard.

THANK YOU 'Fellow Scot'! So much sense in what you've written which I will take on board. Thank you! 'Time' is the thing that concerns me though, not just because of my cancer thing but also my young granddaughters are growing up. I know they love me and my company but if there's no contact with their mums, then there's no contact. I'm so fortunate that my two older GDs do stay in contact with me which makes me truly grateful. Thanks once again for taking the time and giving more clarity. xx

Do you think they would be open to a set time for phone calls, e.g. 5pm every Sunday/first day of the month? With my ex-FIL we always used to joke that he could tell by telepathy that we had just sat down to a hot dinner so it was time to ring us :)
Do you have much to chat about? Is it mostly asking them what they've been up to, or you telling them what you've been doing, or how do conversations go?
My children are grown up and both living in another town now, and I'm torn between not wanting to phone too often and not wanting them to feel like I've abandoned them :D My own parents phone me once or twice a year, so I'm always amazed at people who do talk to their family every day.

Hello 80s and thanks so much for taking the time to respond. I have thought of asking for a specific time (of their choosing) but with elder daughter not responding at all and in the past when I've suggested it the response I got wasn't encouraging. From younger daughter, she's gone from replying to texts and having Facetimes to 'too busy' now. We all got together over Christmas and NY which, considering YD lives on the other side of the world - we hadn't seen her for 6 years was fantastic! But there seems to be a kind of 'we're now friends with each other' we don't need to be in contact with you (me). Even whilst together at Christmas I was left out of so much which I took in good spirit because I was grateful that they were getting on so well. I really really appreciate you telling me about your parents phoning you once or twice a year (with the thought what a loss they have).

For context, I am estranged from my family because of my mother and I haven't spoken to her in 7 years.

My advice would be to ask them in as non-confrontational way as possible if there is anything bothering them or why it is that they seem to ignore your attempts at contact. But only do this if you are confident that you can really absorb their answer.

You might well find that hearing "we are just so busy and occupied with our own lives and you are an afterthought" might be more hurtful than hearing about specific issues that you could address and rectify. But the risk is there that their truth and your truth don't align and that can be difficult for anyone to deal with.

How did Christmas go? Did you notice anything being off while you were there with them?

Thanks Glitterpearl (love the name btw!) I'm sorry to hear of your estrangement but grateful for your response. I would ask them in a non-confrontational way if I thought it would improve matters rather than them feeling under pressure. And having an answer regardless of the level of hurt would frankly be better than being deliberately ignored. The thing is, when my DDs fall out with each other, each of them comes to me. They're friends now and I'm so happy with that, but it seems like the 'two's company, three's a crowd' scenario. And they obviously talk about me because that's been the pattern of behaviour. Christmas wasn't great. Obviously the get together was due to my cancer situation and it was a wonderful surprise and organised by my elder D, but then it went a bit downhill with either being left out of conversations/activities or told off for something ie bringing a Christmas pudding and crackers as I'd normally do as my contribution. I do have an interesting career but they are never interested so I don't volunteer.