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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I going crazy - or am I with a narcissist

66 replies

JaneBloggs1996 · 07/02/2023 09:10

This is going to be quite a long one, so apologies in advance.

my boyfriend and I are having a few issues recently, so I could do with some advice.

To give some background I’m 27 and he’s 26, we own a house together, we are both considered high earners (£70k plus) and he has a 5 year old son (who I am the step mother of).

I have also previously been in an extremely physically abusive relationship and therefore I am quite sensitive.

My boyfriend has autism and has always struggled with regulating his tone. However, more recently this has become more and more problematic with arguments often ending up getting very heated on his part (usually over very small things). To the point that recently, he pushed me, kicked me and then threw some things breaking them. Further, on Christmas Day, he got so annoyed at a very small thing that he threw the Christmas tree across the room smashing a very sentimental bauble that my mother had got me. There have been numerous other times where his anger has gotten the better of him.

Further, he is extremely lazy and does hardly any house work (only if I give specific instructions), 99% of our large house is cleaned by me.

Also, anything that ever happens is always my fault. Everything is twisted and the whole situation is completely gaslit and warped to being my fault. Even something small like his shoes going missing.

More recently, it was my birthday, and we went to Rome to celebrate. We split the costs evenly (dog care, fuel, flights, transport when we were there, car parking and food) save for the hotel which he paid for.

However, the day of my birthday came, and I was upset to find that he hadn’t bought me a card. He claimed it’s because Italians don’t do cards (fair enough but why couldn’t one be purchased prior to leaving). It wasn’t that I was being a spoilt brat, but considering the last few months I just wanted to wake up to some lovely words on a piece of 20p card. To give further context, due to being autistic, my partner isn’t the most romantic type and very rarely says or does anything cute, so to me it was an opportunity to be romantic and write some nice words to make me feel special.

More recently, my boyfriend decided to start a public forum about this, to which I have been completely berated and hounded, where people are calling me spoilt and selfish and that I shouldn’t have expected a birthday card considering I was in Rome. He has been sending me screenshots of these messages (some of which are completely vile, calling me all sorts of names) and telling me that I am completely wrong and that I’m a horrible person etc.

Any advice would be appreciated - am I expecting too much?

OP posts:
flabbygoldfish · 07/02/2023 09:37

Leave without a word. This is a physically and emotionally abusive relationship. Autism is not an excuse.

the birthday card is a red herring here. He does not care how you feel.

Backstreetsbackalrightdadada · 07/02/2023 09:39

Oh leave asap. No justification needed to leave any relationship, but your life has been threatened which is probably the most extreme reason if there were one!

Don’t um and ah over it… he doesn’t seem to like you at all. (Being petty… what does it matter that you were in Rome if you’d paid half anyway… and if he can’t make you happy when young and in Rome then he never will!!!)

Seriously, you have a good wage, no kids with him…. leave now.

KnittingDiva · 07/02/2023 09:39

As the others have said, leave him, there is absolutely no good future with him.

You're young, have no kids (phew!) with him, have a good income. Take these positives and get out.

Once you leave, please go to therapy to try to understand how you ended up being so badly treated and hopefully avoid it happening again.

NattyNamechanger · 07/02/2023 09:41

have also previously been in an extremely physically abusive relationship and therefore I am quite sensitive.

You are in another abusive relationship

Namechangedforthis60 · 07/02/2023 09:41

FuckeNell · 07/02/2023 09:17

Your boyfriend is a CUNT

Screenshot this and show him

This!
Autism is not an excuse for being an asshole towards you. Violence is never ok, verbal abuse is never ok and getting others involved online or otherwise to berate and abuse you is awful.
Youre young, successful and have no long term ties to this man. I spent a long time in a relationship with my exdh whom was abusive, it isn’t worth it, you can’t change him or fix him. Yes it’s hard to end a relationship when you love someone but it’s so freeing to not have those worries about what you’re going to come home to or how he’s going to react etc.
Read about sunk cost fallacy - it isn’t too late.
If it helps at all, I have been free of abuse for 5 years now and have achieved so much in that time. My children are more stable. I have a better career. I have met a new partner who treats me how I should be and we have a baby on the way. Life doesn’t have to be like this!
best of luck op!

Sparkletastic · 07/02/2023 09:42

My DH is autistic. The way he treats you has no connection to autism. He is abusive. Get out as soon as you can.

WhenItIsRaining · 07/02/2023 09:42

Nothing to do with autism and everything to do with your partner being an arsehole.

Honestly, you would be very wise to get some 1:1 therapy to help you unravel how you ended up in such an awful relationship. It'll help you to prevent making the same mistake. You can and must expect so much more of a partner. x

NattyNamechanger · 07/02/2023 09:43

Ragwort · 07/02/2023 09:36

I know this sounds unkind but I struggle to understand how someone is clearly bright enough to earn £70k yet allows themselves to be treated so badly. Where is your self respect? You can obviously afford to live on your own ... my adult DS managed on £21k (South East) ... so just get out of this situation.

Because the Op is sensitised to think everything is her fault and if she grew up in abuse she is wired that this is normal and she is " sensitive "

billy1966 · 07/02/2023 09:45

You are in a hugely abusive relationship with a violent thug who has assaulted you multiple times.

His autism has NOTHING to do with this.

You need to go to the police and report the assaults.

Sell the house and get the hell away from tjis thug TODAY.

He is complete SCUM.

Wibblewibble1 · 07/02/2023 09:47

There is no discussion to have OP. Walk now and leave this man to his madness.

CalpolDependant · 07/02/2023 09:56

No violence is okay, OP. Absolutely none. Starting the process is always the hardest bit. Once the ball is rolling, you’ll be surprised at how remarkably you can cope with untethering yourself from this bag of dicks.
If you think you may be in a cycle where you can’t stop shacking up with narcissistic arseholes, check out the Freedom Programme.

It’s not that he’s autistic, it’s that he has a personality disorder. He can have both - my own brother does and has never treated a woman properly, because he can’t.

Narcissists cannot love. They cannot be fixed. They cannot change.

BuckarooBanzai · 07/02/2023 10:00

Please contact Women's aid and do as many of the courses as you can. Maybe think about some counselling to help you with your self esteem. You deserve much better than this hideous man. He will ruin your life if you stay. Please leave.

January17 · 07/02/2023 10:12

If you're not married, you're not the step mother.

If you're unhappy (you haven't said anything positive about him) leave.

crowsfeet57 · 07/02/2023 10:14

He is verbally and physically abusive, he is slating you on social media, he didn't even buy you a birthday card. Please remove yourself from this situation today for your own safety.

Vallmo47 · 07/02/2023 10:17

I agree with other posters that you’re in an abusive relationship and you need to protect yourself by getting out. Please don’t be tempted to show him these replies because he did similar to you, because the difference between you two is that he would and will likely attack you. Get out. Let someone know his child may be at risk due to his violent behaviour. Save yourselves. The birthday card is the least of your worries.

Livelifelaughter · 07/02/2023 10:24

I actually felt quite sad reading your post. You're only 27 years old, this isn't a relationship that you should be having not now nor at any age. Ask yourself if you had a daughter, or your best friend was living your life, what advice would you give?

BabyTa · 07/02/2023 10:25

Please leave right now. You are still in an extremely abusive relationship and he is exploiting your vulnerabilities from your previous relationship. I would recommend reaching out to women's aid to get some support too.

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 07/02/2023 10:29

Run for the hills.

AddictedtoStarmix · 07/02/2023 10:34

My 25 year old son has autism and as he so rightly states - nothing in life gives you a free cunt card. He is the most compassionate and considerate young man who has learned how to control and manage his emotional responses despite his neurodiversity and has great boundaries with other people in this respect.

I think your traumatic relationship history and your 'bf's' diagnosis is distorting your ability to see the red flags objectively. You are worth so much more then this!

Please reach out to friends, family, loved ones and try and complete The Freedom Programme asap to help support you through the process of leaving.
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

user1188 · 07/02/2023 10:41

This is nothing to do with him being autistic. It has nothing to do wether he's a narc or not. You will never get the answer to your question and you're missing the real point - he is abusive. You need to end this relationship.

Aria2015 · 07/02/2023 10:44

Leave. You're young and you can 100% do better than this guy. Him being autistic in no way makes being aggressive and violent ok. It's not a free pass to be an abusive prick.

He's been a dick about the birthday card too. On what planet is wanting a birthday card from your partner an unreasonable thing? To me that's the minimum anyone would do for someone they care about, be it family, friend or partner. He's a knob for making you feel otherwise.

Honestly, life only gets harder and more complicated as you get older, have kids etc... to do any of that with someone who is lazy and abusive would be a huge mistake.

LadyJ2023 · 07/02/2023 11:05

I'm autistic and very happily married. I dont go around hitting people,shouting ,throwing stuff etc..me thinks autistic is being used as an excuse for very bad behaviour almost to what sounds as abuse tbh..Your worth more than that, get out once they start touching you or the house it gets worse and doesnt stop

Bananalanacake · 07/02/2023 11:15

What are his good points

CrotchetyQuaver · 07/02/2023 11:23

The violence alone is reason enough to leave. Get the house on the market and sever your ties with this man.

The autism doesn't justify him kicking you or throwing things and frightening you.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 07/02/2023 13:55

Come on love, he's a cunt, end this now. This total piece of scum will escalate and hurt you - run.