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Relationships

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Original poster

Flirting?

25 replies

AdviseMePlease123 · 07/02/2023 08:40

Is it ok to flirt outside of a relationship?
Partner and I have been together many years, house together and planning to have children in the coming years. We are happy, healthy, loving and open with each other. Arguments are a rare and if we do they are normally over trivial matters.
Advice is needed.
I have a friend of the opposite sex, met at work but don’t work together and rarely see each other at work, as in maybe once a month. I know this person fancies me as they’ve made it clear previously, which caused us to stop talking for a while. Partner knows, they never told me to stop contact.

We have been chatting over text (instigated by them) and it is very mildly flirty, I mean very mild not even any innuendo but mainly work chat. Nothing would happen between us and I know my boundaries.

Is this chat ok?

OP posts:

Butwhytho · 07/02/2023 08:42

You are describing an emotional affair, not flirting. Clearly your boundaries are pretty shit.

Newusernameaug · 07/02/2023 08:42

If your partner knows and your happy to share the messages then yes - if not, then no it’s not ok

gettingalifttothestation · 07/02/2023 08:45

How would you like it if your partner was doing the same ?

barmycatmum · 07/02/2023 08:49

Not a good idea. Affairs begin innocently, usually.

Watchkeys · 07/02/2023 08:56

Is it ok according to what/who? Who do you think is the authority, and is able to tell you 'the rules'? This is a genuine question: whose opinion on this would/will you defer to?

beenwhereyouare · 07/02/2023 09:06

"They're just matches. We aren't even playing with them!"

Even inadvertently, be very careful that someone doesn't get hurt.

ComtesseDeSpair · 07/02/2023 09:16

Quite apart from anything else, and how you’d partner would feel about it, why would you mess around with the feelings of somebody who you know fancies you and would like more, and who you say is a friend? Doesn’t that strike you as a particularly unkind thing to do to a friend?

Laurdo · 07/02/2023 09:21

You know fine well it's not ok.

I always say if you wouldn't want your partner seeing the messages or listening to your chat then you've crossed the line. It's also not very fair on the other man either. You know he fancies you so you're just taunting him by flirting back when you have no intentions of if ever being more than that.

How would you feel if your partner was acting the same way with a woman hw worked with. Would you be cool with it?

SleepyRooster · 07/02/2023 09:24

Stop kidding yourself

Bookworm20 · 07/02/2023 09:42

This isn't flirting. Its playing with fire.

Its generally best not to be regularly texting someone of the opposite sex who has made it clear they fancy you.

All that is doing is giving this bloke hope, leading him on, while at the same time taking the piss out of your partner. Why on earth would you do that?

This is a train wreck waiting to happen. If you had any respect for your partner, then no, you wouldn't be text flirting with some random bloke you met at work who would like to get you into bed.

WildTing · 07/02/2023 09:44

Your work mate is greasing you up for an affair. Some couples don't see an issue with being flirty with others and some couples find it disrespectful and disloyal.
If your partner knows you are texting and has seen the exchange and is ok with it then where is the problem?
I personally wouldn't mislead or encourage someone who I know fancies me and there is no business need or any ties to warrant continue texting. So what he instigated it? You don't have to chat back. You can shut this down if you wanted to, but are you enjoying the attention a little bit?

I always think it's cruel to flirt with someone whom you know fancies you yet you don't fancy them back nor would you want anything. Even if my personality is flirty, I would reign it back if I knew they fancied me., flirting is harmless in my book if all parties know it's in good humour and no underlying sexual or emotional attraction from either parties. Once someone is upset by it or is taking it to mean more then it's not fun or respectful anymore.

PhillySub · 07/02/2023 09:50

If its good for the goose is it good for the gander?

Alexandernevermind · 07/02/2023 09:51

This isn't flirting. Its playing with fire. I agree. If it was genuinely flirty banter with someone you knew for sure would never be interested, then its safe. If you would say it to him in front of your dh then its fine, but otherwise no. I've been the flirt and although I thought it was harmless and empowering at the time, looking back it was disrespectful.

Annabananna1 · 07/02/2023 09:58

A little flirt now and then is absolutely natural.
But I think this is maybe crossing a line.

FenghuangHoyan · 07/02/2023 10:01

No, its not okay. This is someone you know fancies you and you're having ongoing flirty conversations (even having the conversations is wrong if they fancy you as its encouraging them). Now you're here asking if its okay... you know its not.

DatingDinosaur · 07/02/2023 10:12

I know you say you’re friends but, given that you know he’s got a bit of a thing for you, I’d be a bit wary of giving him false hope by chatting outside of work about anything other than work.

To me, a “friend” is someone you hang out with. He just sounds like a workplace colleague/acquaintance who’s taken a shine to you and trying to keep a foot in the door in case you split with your boyfriend.

I’d be deploying a mild grey rock technique and only talking about work – keeping it polite and professional and ignoring anything that wasn’t work related.

JessicaFletcherscrewnecksweater · 07/02/2023 10:22

Well, I wouldn’t do it. And I wouldn’t want my H doing it to me.

If it feels illicit, then it’s wrong.

theoldcatsmells · 07/02/2023 10:38

You need to leave your partner because you are willing to flirt with someone else which means you don't truly love nor respect him, and he clearly does you since he trusts you but that trust is missplaced.

Not having a go, none of us are perfect but this is how it is.

You're both going to get hurt because you will end up going elsewhere.

Laurdo · 07/02/2023 10:42

theoldcatsmells · 07/02/2023 10:38

Not having a go, none of us are perfect but this is how it is.

You're both going to get hurt because you will end up going elsewhere.

I have to agree. If you're flirting and texting other men, something's not right in your relationship . Doesn't mean you have to necessarily end the relationship but there's definitely stuff to be worked on. Maybe spend a bit more time on that rather than texting this man.

ZaphodDent · 07/02/2023 10:58

Messaging is a gateway drug to emotional and physical affairs. I dread to think how many affairs are facilitated by messaging apps. They are a menace. Someone should do a study on this if they haven't already.

It starts off all innocent (or not), but soon you start to look forward to the message. You feel a nice little buzz when it arrives.

You're showing your best side, your caring side, your humour.

You find yourself avoiding talking about your partner.

Before you know it you can't go a day without messaging your "friend". Nothing significant in your life happens without them knowing it, immediately. You're out with your partner but messaging your "friend".

At some point you've switched from messaging to having an EA. As far as you're concerned it wasn't intentional, it just happened.

And they get you so much better than your partner. Of course they do, they're not part of the drudgery and hard work of your life. They just get to make you feel better about yourself.

Avoid messaging people who reach out to you like this. Don't let it start in the first place. Once it gets going, it's a devil of a thing to stop. I know.

LadyJ2023 · 07/02/2023 11:00

You can't be that happy in your relationship if you feel the need to flirt and continue contact with a person you clearly know likes you. Not only is it leading that person on its total disrespect to your partner regardless if he is ok with it.

AceFace08 · 07/02/2023 11:01

This has trouble written all over it, stop now or you will end up starting a new life on your own, just be happy with what you have seem like you have a good thing just focus on that

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 07/02/2023 12:38

I call reverse

Porkscratching · 07/02/2023 12:41

I agree with pp. It's disrespectful and you're playing with fire.
If you want more with the colleague, either figure out what is wrong in your relationship and work on it, or end the relationship.
If you don't want more with the colleague, stop leading him on. It isn't fair to either him or your partner.

Generally, a bit of banter with no sexual undertone knowing on both sides nobody is interested is alright.
Flirting / sexual undertones / one (or both) party being interested / unhappy in your relationship etc means it isn't appropriate. It's disrespectful and you are risking your relationship as it will likely end up being an emotional affair.

Rosellee · 07/02/2023 13:01

Whatever is agreed between you is obviously ok as it concerns your relationship, but you need to be aware of what the other person's situation is. If the other person's partner would not like you flirting, then don't do it as it's disrespectful to them.

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