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Original poster

I'm lonely. Should I reconnect with my ex?

27 replies

wednesdayfairy · 07/02/2023 08:33

I was with my ex on and off for seven years.
I'm in my late 30s; he's in his early 40s.
He was my best friend and while we were a good match in many areas, he couldn't stop cheating. Eventually, an oops pregnancy broke us. I wanted to keep it and he didn't; he made my life hell so I terminated it as I realised I couldn't go through that for the rest of my life.

Fast-forward 4 years later, I'm still single and alone. I don't have family at all and I don't have any friends (please don't give me tips - I've genuinely tried and gone out of my comfort zone to make friends; I've had no luck). I'm highly educated, good looking, have a career, and hobbies like running, reading, spa days so I'm not bored but I am lonely. I would like to connect to people. Isn't this what makes one feel alive?
On the relationship front, I've put myself out there (OLD, meeting people through activities), but I've faced rejection every time. What I've got is men who I think are interested in me until we have sex and they dump me instantly or those who genuinely avoid me (I'm ND and I suspect I'm odd and honestly I just don't know anymore). I'm a woman of colour so that comes with its complexities when it comes to dating - certain men keeping me a secret and treating me like second choice.

The thing is lately, I've been thinking about my ex who despite his shortcomings was a good friend to me. And I could really do with a friend. Even if it's just someone to have a cuppa with once or twice a year and exchange the odd texts here and there.

I texted him to say hello and he asked me to meet up. We are meeting for coffee in a week and honestly it's given me something to look forward to.

My question is do you think this is a good move to be friends with one's ex with whom one had a painful history? If you were in my shoes, what would you do? Any advice for best ways to form a new friendship and new boundaries with an ex?

Thanks.

OP posts:
Perfect28 · 07/02/2023 08:38

No. Make new friends

2chocolateoranges · 07/02/2023 08:40

No never go back, he cheated on you !

raise the bar! You deserve better.

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 07/02/2023 08:40

No. If you get back with your ex there's no chance of something better.

Twoshoesnewshoes · 07/02/2023 08:40

To be honest OP he sounds awful in that he manipulated you to terminate your pregnancy, and he cheated on you.
he may be a good friend but not partner material.
could you just focus on being friends with him, or will you be tempted by more?
I think it would be a good idea to be very honest from the start, that you are not looking to get involved with him again- but happy to be casual friends.
if he pushes for anything more, try ‘that’s not why im here’ and consider that it simply might not work.
on a tangent- do you enjoy strategy board games? I play lots and im aware that lots of the people we meet in board game clubs or cafes are ND - it can be a good way to socialize as there is something to focus on.

Newusernameaug · 07/02/2023 08:41

No way, when you really needed him to step up he let you down and forced you to abort - this is not a good friend to have

DoorstoManual · 07/02/2023 08:43

He hassled you into terminating your pregnancy 😕

He iis ex for a reason.

TroysMammy · 07/02/2023 08:43

No, get new friends or a pet.

SpinningFloppa · 07/02/2023 09:49

I get it op and to the posters saying to “make new friends” the op asked you not to suggest that, it’s not easy for everyone to make friends especially someone who is ND (I suspect I am too I have children that are) and I’ve never been able to make friends. I can see why you feel the way you do I don’t think you should go back to him as but I often think I wish I could go back to my ex but he isn’t interested.

Kanaloa · 07/02/2023 09:54

He bullied you into terminating a pregnancy you wanted to keep and chose to (not couldn’t stop) cheat on you prolifically. Rekindling that relationship is a terrible terrible choice. Literally any other choice would be better. Being lonely is one thing but weren’t you lonely sitting at home while he was out having sex with other women and laughing behind your back? That’s a much worse lonely than being with yourself. Why would you sit ‘having a cuppa’ with someone who literally sees you as a lesser being? He doesn’t care a shred about you.

FenghuangHoyan · 07/02/2023 09:55

I'd not go back to your ex. As a serial cheater, he will want sex with you (which you don't want) and once he's ticked that box, he'll be off for more conquests. You left him for a reason and that reason hasn't changed.

I can understand the draw of it. I've had times when I was low where I thought about getting back in touch with my adulterous ex, but I'm glad I didn't as I did finally meet someone and I'm a lot happier now. I would say look forwards and not back. Yes, you've not had success with the people you've met so far, but that's the past and not the future.

Kanaloa · 07/02/2023 09:56

And as for ‘form new boundaries’ it will be impossible. He’s likely got a new girlfriend/partner and wants to meet up with you to continue his apparently impossible to stop habit of nastily cheating on women. Except now you’ll be the cheater with instead of the cheated on.

honeypancake · 07/02/2023 09:59

No, he was toxic and he most likely still is. You forgot bad things and see him in a positive light now because you are bored. It will be a fresh cycle of pain. I would stay clear and try my best to keep going and keep doing what you are doing (OLD, meeting people through your hobbies etc..) it just may take months but you have a higher chance meeting someone new and nice that way eventually than going back to the toxic ex

DRS1970 · 07/02/2023 09:59

No!

AllOfThemWitches · 07/02/2023 10:00

Yes, if you have no interest in him romantically coz he's a piece of shit boyfriend, obviously.

Original poster
wednesdayfairy · 07/02/2023 10:31

Thank you for all your responses and suggestions.

Just to be clear I have no intention of getting back with the ex. Im not interested in anything romantic or sexual. Just looking at something platonic, someone to have coffee with and talk to. I really do crave human interaction.

I'm no longer looking for or forcing friendships. I'm exhausted from trying. And can't get a pet as I live in a tiny flat. I've been part of a photography club, book club, running club, and been going to a board games meet up for many years but I have not been able to develop one single friendship. If I miss a few meetings, no one bothers to check in or even mentions it when I return. I've made peace with these things.

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 07/02/2023 10:38

he couldn't stop cheating. Eventually, an oops pregnancy broke us. I wanted to keep it and he didn't; he made my life hell so I terminated it as I realised I couldn't go through that for the rest of my life.

Ok, I will say to what I would say to any of my mates, he is not your friend. He wasn't your friend then, and he isn't your friend now.

This is not what a friend does to another human. This is not how a friend behaves.

The pregnancy didn't break the relationship, he did, by being an abusive callous heartless partner, not a friend. There is nothing friendly about how this man behaved.

He feels familiar, he knows you and how to say the right things to you, and that's attractive when you feel lonely, but accept it for what it is, he is no friend of yours. Be sure that he's rubbing his hands together that you've been in touch. Don't fall down that hole again, you've worked hard to get out of it.

Original poster
wednesdayfairy · 07/02/2023 15:49

GoldDuster · 07/02/2023 10:38

he couldn't stop cheating. Eventually, an oops pregnancy broke us. I wanted to keep it and he didn't; he made my life hell so I terminated it as I realised I couldn't go through that for the rest of my life.

Ok, I will say to what I would say to any of my mates, he is not your friend. He wasn't your friend then, and he isn't your friend now.

This is not what a friend does to another human. This is not how a friend behaves.

The pregnancy didn't break the relationship, he did, by being an abusive callous heartless partner, not a friend. There is nothing friendly about how this man behaved.

He feels familiar, he knows you and how to say the right things to you, and that's attractive when you feel lonely, but accept it for what it is, he is no friend of yours. Be sure that he's rubbing his hands together that you've been in touch. Don't fall down that hole again, you've worked hard to get out of it.

Thank you for the brutal truth.
Really helpful to hear someone else's assessment of what's happened.
You're right. He's not my friend. Memories of how badly he treated me just flooded back. I feel defeated.

OP posts:
DontStopMeNow7 · 07/02/2023 16:01

Don’t be friends with this man. He cheated on you and therefore was not your friend. You sound in a good place minus the lack of human connection. I can relate! Unfortunately it can make you susceptible to unhealthy relationships - never see someone out of loneliness.

Do you like animals? Could you do some volunteering in your spare time? Take fitness or spinning classes instead of doing solo gym etc? Meetup group for things unique for you? Martial arts? Hiking meetups?

You have a strong foundation to build on as the rest of your life is good. You had an abortion during this relationship; I know you’re confused but personally I’d stay clear of him completely. Build other friendships over time. Never go backwards. Move forwards. What are your goals? Where do you want to travel to, see, do?
Forget finding someone until you’re so immersed in your life you’re not even looking, or you don’t feel you need anyone; the right one will come along.

Original poster
wednesdayfairy · 07/02/2023 17:47

@DontStopMeNow7 Thank you for the advice.
I do like animals but don't have the space to accommodate one. I go to Pilates and Parkruns and volunteer weekly. But no luck socialising whilst doing these things. I can't travel (think windrush) but I read a lot and in my mind felt like I've seen other worlds. I travel locally to other cities but after a long time of doing so alone, it gets boring. No one to share moments with.
I've gotten to the point that I've been thinking that there's not much living to do on my part. I seem to have gone through life alone and there was just never a need or space for me here. Can't explain it.

OP posts:
DontStopMeNow7 · 07/02/2023 17:57

@wednesdayfairy yes I can totally relate. I’m right there with you in fact. All I can say is that this is still better than being with the wrong man, or someone that cheats on you, or even just second best.

You are free; door is open to a good person.

Original poster
wednesdayfairy · 07/02/2023 18:10

DontStopMeNow7 · 07/02/2023 17:57

@wednesdayfairy yes I can totally relate. I’m right there with you in fact. All I can say is that this is still better than being with the wrong man, or someone that cheats on you, or even just second best.

You are free; door is open to a good person.

Thank you for your kind words. Hope we all fulfil our heart desires Flowers

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 07/02/2023 20:10

Your post really struck me

I’m on an autism facebook group and there are a lot of lonely autistic women

sounds to me like you need more like minded souls in your life
and I hope you get some clarity and find them x

honeypancake · 08/02/2023 08:38

It is so sad you had to terminate your pregnancy because he wanted it so and you wanted to keep. Do you have means and willingness to be a single parent? You could still create your own little family this way.

Lovemusic33 · 08/02/2023 08:44

Not a chance.
Just a reminder that you can still be lonely whilst in a relationship, I think I was more lonely when I was married than any other time. I have been single for a long time and I totally get the lonely thing but I think we mainly feel it because we think we are missing out on something when really we are not missing out on much at all. Like you I keep busy, I have hobbies and a couple good friends (not lots of friends), I am happy meeting new people and chatting to strangers. I am also ND (ADHD) and I find I get on better with other ND people, I struggle to make female friends.

why would you want to be with someone that put you through so much heart ache and pain? You wouldn’t be able to trust him, he would probably stop you doing the things you enjoy and you would end up even more lonely?

patricia21 · 09/01/2025 02:33

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