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Original poster

Is it bad not to share a bed?

24 replies

Dingdong99 · 07/02/2023 05:54

My husband and I haven't shared a bed for a few years now, for several reasons:

Our small kids (now 5 and 8) are bad sleepers and the youngest still comes into bed with me during the night, a few nights a week. If there are 3 in a bed, I find it impossible to sleep

Our youngest wakes up at 5am each day, and I'm happy to get up with him but my husband prefers to get up at a sensible time. If he gets woken up at 5am, he can't get back to sleep, and gets very tired later on

I'm a very light sleeper. Last night we tried sharing a bed but I had to go to the spare room due to his snoring, despite wearing ear plugs!

I naturally wake up at 4/5am, so would prefer not to have to creep out, and keep the house quiet until he's up (if he's in the loft, he can't hear a thing)

So the reasons are practical, and mean everyone gets more sleep. We do also have a sex life although not that frequent. (Not sure if bed sharing would change that or not). But I do worry that it's bad that we're not sharing a bed, and also that it looks odd to the kids

Is bed sharing more important than a good night's sleep? Should we persevere and try to get used to it again? Or do lots of you not share a bed and still have a happy, healthy relationship? Our relationship is good and strong apart from this

OP posts:

GracePooleslaugh · 07/02/2023 05:58

No it's not, sleep is important and if it works for you then it's fine.

Zanatdy · 07/02/2023 06:22

Many couples don’t share a bed. I’m in a relationship where we don’t live together (yet, maybe one day we will, it’s early days) so I love it when I stay over at his and I wake up with him next to me and can snuggle into him. But practically when there’s kids who are coming into beds then it’s unlikely you’d be having early morning sex etc anyway, and for evening sex you can just invite him into your bed for an hour or so!

MrsMikeDrop · 07/02/2023 06:39

Lots of people don't, it's not a big deal! Sleep is more important!

daretodenim · 07/02/2023 06:55

One of my good friends doesn't share a bed with her husband. They're incredibly close and have the best sex life out of all my partnered friends.

ChimChimeny · 07/02/2023 07:00

Definitely Not bad. DH went I. The spare room last night because he couldn't get to sleep & didn't want to disturb me tossing & turning.

Friend and her DH sleep apart because he used to work away a lot and she by used to sleeping alone plus he snores very loudly.

gamerchick · 07/02/2023 07:07

There's no law saying you have to sleep together OP. I've had my own bedroom for years. It's not weird, it doesnt affect sex lives. Sleep is king. Don't give it another thought.

Hopper123 · 22/03/2023 22:38

Very happily married and we have separate bedrooms, started when we had kids. Our third is 2 and still ends up in bed with me most nights husband has a long commute and a job where he could cause injuries to someone or face lawsuits/lose registration if he makes a bad call at work so his sleep is more important than mine at the moment and I've always been someone who can function well on little sleep whereas he can't. We absolutely love having our own space and I like being able to lie in bed watching Netflix or whatever without disturbing him. We still have a close intimate relationship and I feel it positively impacts us whilst the kids are young. I think eventually as the nights settle we will try sleeping in the same bed again but to be honest we might just annoy each other ha ha.

Do what works for you, as long as your maintaining a happy relationship who cares what others do. Quality sleep can be hard to come by and if you find a way of getting some go for it.

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/03/2023 22:42

If you’re both happy with it, it should be fine. If one of you is, unhappy it’s something that needs discussion.

As a childfree person I admit that I find wanting to have children older than small babies in bed with you a bit weird. But each to their own.

PriamFarrl · 22/03/2023 22:45

Nope. We start the night in the same bed and then DH goes off to the other room. He’s very tall and it means he can sleep diagonally which means he fits!

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 22/03/2023 22:50

We don't and haven't for about 4 years. We were having shit nights sleep and arguing the next day. We're now married and have a good sex life. We just don't sleep in the same bed.

Lochjeda · 22/03/2023 22:59

We don't share every night. Dh goes away when its time to sleep to another room every night except at the weekends mostly when it doesn't really matter if we don't get a full night's sleep or disturb each other a bit.

Tomeeornottomee · 22/03/2023 23:03

We started sleeping in separate rooms about 3 years ago on a temporary basis because DH was having a massive flare up of his chronic illness and I was suffering terribly with insomnia. His flare up passed...but I didn't go back to our bed. I stayed in mine. I love it. My room is how i want it. I have candles. Smelly ones that he hates. Lots of pillows (he has 1. I mean who has just 1 pillow, weirdo) We still have a very active sex life, neither of us feels unwanted and we both enjoy our personal space. We've been married 30 years and it hasn't impacted our affection or relationship negatively at all.

The only time I miss sleeping with him is when I have nightmares, but I just go into his bed, steal his warm spot and snuggle up for a while.

Twinstudy · 22/03/2023 23:11

Nothing is more important than a good night's sleep in my opinion 😁

DH and I usually sleep in the same bed, its a super king tho, I don't think we could regularly sleep together in a double. However, the spare bed is always made up and if one of us is struggling we just go in there. DH sometimes sleeps in there if he's got an early start too.

I don't think sleeping in separate beds is bad for a relationship. In fact sometimes I think it's the only thing that might keep a couple together!

Tuilpmouse · 23/03/2023 00:34

This reminds me of a thread with the complete opposite standpoint.... where the OP was vehemently against her DP replacing their broken double bed with a king size bed as she didn't want him to be too far away from her at night

Almost all respondents said she was crazy.

pixie5121 · 23/03/2023 00:35

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Tinybrother · 23/03/2023 00:41

I have a friend with two fully furnished spare rooms who constantly complains about her husband’s snoring keeping her awake. I don’t understand why you wouldnt at least try sleeping separately in that scenario.

LittleBrownJug · 23/03/2023 00:41

Separate beds are amazing. Sleep is the most precious commodity we have. I hate the negative idea that there’s something wrong in your relationship if you do this.

We both need & love our own space at night; he snores; I’m a light sleeper. I feel incredibly lucky we had a spare room … although I don’t have a study anymore 🤔 Or a spare room …

SleepingStandingUp · 23/03/2023 00:43

The only issue I'd see if you've got two bad sleepers and a DH in the loft so it all falls on you.

Beeswood · 23/03/2023 00:46

My DP snores like a chainsaw and flails his arms and legs about in his sleep.

I am in the spare room! He did offer me the master suite but I like my cosy little room.

My sister and two of my friends also have de-camped because of snoring.

TheChosenTwo · 23/03/2023 00:47

I sometimes slope off to the spare room in annoyance with dh and his snoring. Spent a whole week up there when he had a hideous cold and cough which kept him up most of the night for over a week hacking and having coughing fits in bed.
No need for me to have my sleep disturbed! Was alright for him being off work for a week and being able to catch up and doze during the day, I couldn’t because I was working.
I was reluctant to come back to our bed purely because I had slept so well in the spare!
I’m definitely up for the separate bed set up, dh is less keen but to be honest he’s the one who usually manages to get the best sleep out of us both so it’s not actually his decision.
It’s good to have the spare as an alternative and I do think that we’ll gradually end up with our own rooms.

BCBird · 23/03/2023 05:27

I am a snored and a light sleeper. In my first long time relationship my boyfriend and I would go to bed together but when it was tume for sleep I would go to the spare room. It suited us both. The next time I was with a partner I explained tbis. He was not keen. We compromised.i would stay in bed till 4.30 then go in spare room. Sometimes I managed till 6 . Was worth it for that morning snuggle. Happy days

Whatalovelypair · 23/03/2023 05:46

Couples can have all sorts of arrangements if you're BOTH happy with it then it's not bad for YOUR relationship. So the person you need to take his opinion is your husband to see if he is also happy with this.

Whatalovelypair · 23/03/2023 05:50

BCBird · 23/03/2023 05:27

So you'd go to bed together at say 10pm then wake up at 4am and get up and go to a separate room to sleep a bit more on your own before waking up properly?

Friedgreentomatoeshere · 23/03/2023 05:54

Beeswood · 23/03/2023 00:46

My DP snores like a chainsaw and flails his arms and legs about in his sleep.

I am in the spare room! He did offer me the master suite but I like my cosy little room.

My sister and two of my friends also have de-camped because of snoring.

Me too!
My husband also grinds his teeth.
We tried everything, mouthguard, kingsize bed, going to bed at different times, nothing worked. It got so bad that I was falling asleep at work at lunchtime.
So now we sleep apart and it's bliss !

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