Wet Feb.

[Underthehammer]

Back in the same old cycle. DH has a dry January then straight back to the heavy drinking. Foolishly thought it would be different this year as he seemed to be managing so well in January and I thought he was even enjoying not drinking. But here here we are again. Everything I've read says they won't get help until they hit a crisis. In the meantime I'm left missing my sober snore free partner of January and get this glassy eyed slurring guy. Thankfully he's cheerful when drunk but I find him really annoying and then I just worry about what he's doing to his health. My dad drank heavily and I didn't like it as a kid. I don't want that for our children but I can't see how to help him anymore. I love him dearly, I want us to work through this as a family. He's a really lovely dad and husband despite this battle with drink. I've just no idea how to do it if it's just a waiting game. Trying to find a time to talk with him about it is really difficult as we've such a busy life and he's obviously drunk a lot! He can also get really defensive about it all. Open to any advice but please be gentle I'm feeling pretty low about all this.

Give him a crisis.

Tell him he needs to stop or you're out.

How much does he drink? What alcohol does he drink and how often is he drinking it?

Nothing you can do will change this.
He is the only one who can make changes.
You need to decide.. is this the life you want for yourself and more importantly... your kids?
You at least get to choose... they just get dragged along for the ride...
I am sorry to be brutal... but have walked your path....

It isn’t a battle though is it? He just keeps drinking. If you don’t want it for your kids then you have to split. No one can help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.

I don't want to split up our family. I want us to get through this together. Must addiction mean that he loses everything before he'll get help? Surely there's another way? If I thought my kids were suffering that would be different but they are loved and cared for and their dad is a superhero in their eyes. I think once they're older and if he was still drinking heavily they might start to feel he isn't as present but right now the only harm is to our relationship. Maybe counselling would help us.

the only help for your relationship is for him to stop drinking. And you have no input into that. No control. So you can sit and wait and hope or you can go.
his choice is where to stop drinking.
yours is whether you wait around for / if that happens.

Whether to stop *

“Must addiction mean that he loses everything before he'll get help?”

Most of the time, yes. The realisation that he will/could lose everything if he doesn’t change has to come from within him.

All you can do is make him aware of that and be prepared to walk away if he doesn’t listen, or makes hollow promises.

Counselling may work but if he doesn't see it as a problem he might be resistant to that.

Find a time to discuss with him and let go of the fear of angering him with the truth. He will be angry and defensive as he protects his addiction. You cannot keep the comfy status quo and encourage him to stop drinking - there will have to be a rupture of some kind. Sorry OP, so difficult.

You’ve still not said how much he drinks etc?

no addiction does not mean the end - can he moderate? Does he? What does a typical day look like for him with regards to consumption?

is their alcoholism in his family?

@Quitelikeit the quantity doesn't matter. What matters is whether the husband's drinking has a negative effect on family life, and clearly it does.

@Underthehammer but pp have been correct - only you can decide what happens next. You can't make him stop drinking, so you have to decide whether you want to carry on like this or whether you want to make changes.

No addict will stop without encountering consequences to their addiction and so far your husband has not had any. How you want to handle giving him consequences really depends on what you want your life to be from here on in. Your DC as they get older will notice, and having an alcoholic parent is a risk to their wellbeing. It is also usually the case that drinking spirals, and that people who are functioning end up not functioning.

People on here always say that ultimatums don't work - I disagree. They work very well, as long as they are aimed at the one person who can take control - that is you. I gave my husband an ultimatum because I had reached my own rock bottom, and I stuck to it. The consequences for all of us were incredibly tough, but it ended up with me being a single parent of two much happier teens. Ultimately for him it ended with him losing his family, his house, his job and his life. Only you can decide how far you want him to drag you and your DC down with him. Good luck.

You're deluding yourself if you think the children are unaffected. Maybe they don't fully understand why or what is going on yet, but if he's drunk around them, his behaviour affects them, if he's hung-over or sleeping it off, it affects them, if he's spending money that affects the household budget, it affects them, if it makes you sad or stressed, it affects them.

Unless he's actually tackling his alcoholism and trying to do something about it, there is nothing you can do, as he's still in denial. It has to come from him, he has to want to stop.

It does matter - this man has been labelled and addict and posters have advised his wife to leave him with their two kids by making assumptions

@Quitelikeit have you ever lived with someone who is dependent on alcohol?

OP refers to her husband as 'glassy eyed and slurring' and her OP makes it clear that this is not a one off. Adverse impact on family is one of the criteria for alcohol dependence.

Being able to do a Dry January is meaningless. Anyone can grit their teeth and white knuckle it. My late husband did rehab and guess what happened as soon as he came out?

He's a heavy drinker, who is glassy-eyed, slurring, snoring, drunk a lot and OP describes it as a battle with drink.

I don't think you need to ask how much he consumes, he's obviously got a problem.

snap! Ive got one of these too….. i feel your pain as mine drinks daily and i also need to broach the subject with him about his drinking. My concerns always get brushed away though and he says his drinking isnt as bad as i make it out to be. Yeah right. Denial. Id say my hubby drinks around 70 units a week, daily drinker. I recognise when you say glassy eyes, thats him every weekend. Started hiding his drinks too now I suspect. Not that he would admit that 🤦🏻‍♀️

You're not going to be getting through anything 'together' are you because it's only you trying to change anything.

Unless he comes to you, off his own back, and asks for help as he has a problem, you have absolutely zero chance of anything changing. Zero.

Sorry if that's harsh but don't kid yourself into thinking you have any say in this because you don't, and it's a painful lesson to learn.

Thank you everyone. It's hard advice to hear. I'm sorry for anyone else dealing with this. We had a conversation tonight and he understands how much it's affecting us. He's going to cut down and set a healthier limit he says. I know I'm powerless to help with that but I have hope still. Al-anon looks helpful so I'm going to look into that. Thanks again.

There's nothing wrong with giving someone a second chance, but be prepared for him not to be able to moderate in the long term.

im sorry but it’s likely he will do what he needs to in order to wriggle off the hook then fall back into his normal pattern. Eg he did dry Jan then straight back to normal.