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Original poster

Dc and phone contact

22 replies

SpinningFloppa · 06/02/2023 17:58

Dc didn’t have contact with their father for 2 years (totally his choice) after two years he reached out and wanted contact with the children, after speaking to them and seeking advice I decided to slowly build up contact again. This was done on the phone with DC speaking to their father, we decided to keep it as phone contact to build up contact slowly and to show he was consistent before meeting up. At first it was good he was messaging them regularly, calling occasionally to speak to them, but mainly messages a couple of times a week, asking how they are/ how schools going etc just paying an interest.

Around Xmas he told me he would like to buy them some Xmas presents and bring them down. I agreed to this and thought it would be a good opportunity to introduce contact at this point. He came down on the 23rd December, gave the children the presents and left. He made a vague comment about seeing them on new years but that came and went and I didn’t hear from him. So basically since then he hasn’t initiated contact, he has completely back off and he now rarely messages the children. He messaged my son mid January (after previously messaging at least weekly) saying he would come down to see him, then he just didn’t show up, no contact at all. He didn’t even cancel he just didn’t message him again. Anyway the other day he messaged (after 3 weeks no contact) with some half hearted apology saying he’s sorry he’s been ill and that’s it. He didn’t try to rearrange. I don’t know how someone can be too ill to send a text in 3 weeks. I’m thinking of stopping the direct contact as I don’t think my children are old enough to have to deal with this directly, their father making plans to see them then messing around and not showing up as it’s causing upset and they feel rejected by him. Would it be best to stop direct phone contact? (Dc 11 and 10)

OP posts:
windyarse · 06/02/2023 17:59

I'm sure I read this the other day, what replies did you get then?

Whatislove82 · 06/02/2023 18:01

I would most definitely stop direct contact

Whatislove82 · 06/02/2023 18:01

He came “down”. How away does he live?

Whatislove82 · 06/02/2023 18:02

So Xmas was the first time he’d seen them in two years?

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 06/02/2023 18:13

windyarse · 06/02/2023 17:59

I'm sure I read this the other day, what replies did you get then?

I didn’t get any! hence reposting here as thought this might be a better place.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 06/02/2023 18:14

Whatislove82 · 06/02/2023 18:01

He came “down”. How away does he live?

2 hours

OP posts:
Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 06/02/2023 18:14

Whatislove82 · 06/02/2023 18:02

So Xmas was the first time he’d seen them in two years?

Yes it was the first time in 2 years.

OP posts:
Andypandy799 · 06/02/2023 18:47

As the son of a transient father it caused my huge trauma. Your between a rock and a hard place as the genie is out the bag and despots him being the biggest shit bag in the world I bet the kids hold him high on a pedestal?

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 06/02/2023 21:18

yeh the children were so excited to see him again so it’s really pissed me off how he’s been since. Totally gone cold, but yes they were really excited to have contact with him again and seemed to think he was great! Though they are seeing things now as my son messaged him after not hearing from him for a while and he took a few days to respond (whereas before he was responding straight away) again he was “ill” and that’s why he took a few days to respond, so now my son doesn’t want to initiate messages with him as he feels like he is being ignored.

OP posts:
Andypandy799 · 07/02/2023 10:24

@SpinningFloppa I wouldn’t ever bad mouthing about him to the children or make excuses for him but obviously now it’s going to be very traumatic for them both as 10 and 11 is a vulnerable age as they aren’t stupid.

Have you spoken to him about consistency and he needs to step up and be a proper father as he chose to enter back in to there lives?

Keep a record of all communications for when your kids are adults to show you tried to give this dead beat excuse of a man every chance to change his behaviour.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 07/02/2023 19:40

Andypandy799 · 07/02/2023 10:24

@SpinningFloppa I wouldn’t ever bad mouthing about him to the children or make excuses for him but obviously now it’s going to be very traumatic for them both as 10 and 11 is a vulnerable age as they aren’t stupid.

Have you spoken to him about consistency and he needs to step up and be a proper father as he chose to enter back in to there lives?

Keep a record of all communications for when your kids are adults to show you tried to give this dead beat excuse of a man every chance to change his behaviour.

Honestly no I haven’t said anything to him as I haven’t spoken to him since then and I don’t want to initiate contact as it will probably just end in an argument. I have previously said to him how important it is for him to be consistent (the oldest two are autistic so need consistency for that reason as well) but he didn’t care and didn’t understand why it was an issue he has only ever wanted to see them as and when he feels like it and can’t understand why it’s an issue. This isn’t a one off he has never been consistent since we split, so I don’t really see the point in saying anything as I’ve said it all before. I’m tempted to call him out on it but as I said it
will just cause an argument and then he will use that as an excuse to disappear again and blame me so I’m not going to give him the excuse of blaming me.

He even bought me a book at Xmas and I found this odd but everyone I spoke to made me feel bad saying he’s obviously trying to make amends, offering an olive branch etc 🙄

OP posts:
JessicaFletcherscrewnecksweater · 08/02/2023 11:26

I’m thinking of stopping the direct contact as I don’t think my children are old enough to have to deal with this directly, their father making plans to see them then messing around and not showing up as it’s causing upset and they feel rejected by him

I fucking hate deadbeat dads. How do they justify their shit behaviour in their own minds?

I’d stop it. It’s damaging to them. Feeling those emotions, inflicted by an adult, at a young age is just not right. He could fight you for access and take you to court, but the inadequate failure doesn’t sound like he’d bother.

Whatislove82 · 08/02/2023 12:42

Dot your children down

explain you hate them being let down

so for the time being, contact with dad will be via you and, with that in mind, ask them to delete their fathers number from their phone.

Assure them that once he has proved himself to not let down the two most important people on the planet… then you’d be very happy with direct contact

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 08/02/2023 15:57

That’s good advice thank you. I haven’t spoken to my children about it yet as wanted to get advice first on what to do and they haven’t mentioned him to me (they are use to him not being around anyway) I have noticed that my son hasn’t read or responded to the “sorry I’m ill” text, so he obviously can’t be bothered and knows it’s an excuse.

OP posts:
DontStopMeNow7 · 08/02/2023 16:04

Does he work and has he always paid child maintenance? What was the situation in the past pre-2 years ago? Were you together then, so this is your first time navigating this situation with him?

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 09/02/2023 13:05

DontStopMeNow7 · 08/02/2023 16:04

Does he work and has he always paid child maintenance? What was the situation in the past pre-2 years ago? Were you together then, so this is your first time navigating this situation with him?

No he doesn’t pay maintenance and he doesn’t work. (Hence no maintenance) no we split up 6 years ago and he’s always been the same inconsistent (in and out) just two years is the longest. He has gone a year without seeing them before this. The last time he saw them was after not seeing them for a year but he got in contact during lock down begging to see them, he saw them for a bit but then kept making up excuses not to see them (he’s ill, he’s isolating, he’s lodgers positive so he needs to isolate) he just kept saying that until contact completely fizzled out, that’s why I can see that he’s coming out with the same thing claiming to be ill again. He’s never had them overnight since we split and gas only ever come down to mine to see them.

OP posts:
DontStopMeNow7 · 09/02/2023 13:12

I went through something similar. My DC was a lot younger at the time but it was very frustrating at the time. So unreliable and did nothing to help either. Bearing that in mind, in the end I stated that he could see DC if he consistently paid child maintenance. Logically this would result in one of two things:

  1. He’d get a job and be a responsible adult, making it more likely he’d be a responsible parent, contribute and show up.
  2. He’d fuck off

He picked option 2. No more shenanigans.
If a father can’t act like a father, he doesn’t get to be one.

Andypandy799 · 09/02/2023 18:04

DontStopMeNow7 · 09/02/2023 13:12

I went through something similar. My DC was a lot younger at the time but it was very frustrating at the time. So unreliable and did nothing to help either. Bearing that in mind, in the end I stated that he could see DC if he consistently paid child maintenance. Logically this would result in one of two things:

  1. He’d get a job and be a responsible adult, making it more likely he’d be a responsible parent, contribute and show up.
  2. He’d fuck off

He picked option 2. No more shenanigans.
If a father can’t act like a father, he doesn’t get to be one.

Good idea I wonder if he pays @SpinningFloppa maintenance

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 09/02/2023 18:21

No I wouldn’t ask him for money, I don’t want/ need his money, I asked for maintenance when we first split and he told me “you don’t have kids to get paid” 🤦🏻 I would never ask him for money again.

OP posts:
DontStopMeNow7 · 09/02/2023 19:41

SpinningFloppa · 09/02/2023 18:21

No I wouldn’t ask him for money, I don’t want/ need his money, I asked for maintenance when we first split and he told me “you don’t have kids to get paid” 🤦🏻 I would never ask him for money again.

If nothing else, this right here is why he doesn’t deserve to be in your children’s lives, or in yours. Cut him off.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 09/02/2023 20:02

DontStopMeNow7 · 09/02/2023 19:41

If nothing else, this right here is why he doesn’t deserve to be in your children’s lives, or in yours. Cut him off.

Show quote history

I only let him back because I asked for advice on here and was told I should let him have contact and it isn’t my right to stop it, I shouldn’t have listened really as I know him more than anyone else, he’s seen them once then gone again? I mean who does that?! What was the point. That doesn’t benefit my children at all and now I’m left to pick up the pieces again.

OP posts:
DontStopMeNow7 · 09/02/2023 20:57

I didn’t realise that, I’m sorry. The issue with MN is that everyone is going to have a completely different opinion. My opinion is based on my own experiences and I don’t know your ex.
So difficult for you already. At the end of the day you need to decide what you think is the right thing. I remember feeling so conflicted and so guilty about the whole thing.

In an ideal world fathers would be a part of their childrens’ lives. It’s no doubt what you want, it’s only natural. Here’s the thing: Ask yourself what your conditions are as you allow that to continue (or not), I remember in my case I gave a set number of chances before I started putting my foot down simply because I wanted my conscience to be clear if I eventually put a stop to it. The guilt I would have felt otherwise would have been overwhelming. I also got legal advice - I never needed to use it but it helped give me some confidence xx

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