How honest should I be with my DD about her late Dad?

[Remindmelaterplease]

My husband died almost 10 years ago when my DD was 14. His death was caused by alcoholism and I have no doubt that he underlying mental health issues that he never sought help for.

We were still married living in the same house when he died but I was making plans to leave as the last 5-8 years of of his life were a living hell, for me as well as him. Looking back, I now understand that I suffered pretty severe emotional abuse with frequent gaslighting and I spent each day in a state of high stress, just waiting for the next row to blow up. I have a new relationship now but it was only when I met my DP 5 years ago that it became apparent how damaged I was and it took me a long time to understand what a normal loving relationship looked like.

Anyway, my reason for posting is that I need advice about how or if I share some of this with my DD. She’s in Her mid 20s now and we are very close. However, whilst she remembers a good bit about how difficult life with her Dad had become, I don’t think she has any understanding of what it did to me. I feel we discuss him in a very rose tinted way sometimes and I find it really hard not to be a bit more blunt about what he was really like. Problem is, I suspect if I do this it will upset her and she may stop speaking to me about her Dad.

I should say that I am very much of the view that alcoholism is an illness, however that doesn’t make it any easier to live with and some of my husband’s behaviour was evident, albeit in a milder form before his addiction really took hold.

do I just stay quiet?

If you want to offload then do so with a professional. Your daughter was also the victim of abuse, but you are the parent and she is the child and that is how it should remain. If she asks questions in the future then be honest but I don't think she will, she knows what you went through, she should not have to validate this for you, it is your duty to protect her.

My dad died when I was 7 of an alcohol related illness. My parents were still married, but she'd essentially become his carer.

I wasn't aware that he had addiction issues, just that he was ill. I was told about it as a teenager by my mum, who "corrected" me when I was discussing him positively.

Honestly, I now don't discuss him with my mum. I don't feel comfortable doing so, and feel guilty if he's mentioned around her. It means that my children know very little about him, and the few memories I had are tainted by the reality that my young mind had chosen to gloss over. It also lead to feelings of inadequacy and guilt, because it brought with it the realisation that as his children we hadn't been enough for him to stop and my mum had only stayed with him for so long for me and my siblings. I now understand addiction more, but those feelings still needed working through.

What purpose does it serve to tell her? Is it really for her benefit, or is it for yours?

She should know he was as an alcoholic but the rest she doesn't need to know

I'm another whose mother made me into her little therapist from a young age. Please don't visit your "truth" on your DD. She has her own life to live and I would be so happy that she had few bad memories.

Have you heard of "breaking the chain" of familial trauma? Part of that is letting the past go. Walk into your future and enjoy your life. Getting yourself some talking therapy might help you do this. But ultimately your identity can be a new one, not focused on being a victim or a survivor, but who you are.

Maybe your daughter needs to start talking through her experiences, memories and feelings with a professional. Some PP are right in that she is not your friend to confide in but you are not hers either; you're her parent and your time and memories of her father are hurtful and less easy to 'forgive and forget' as he was not your father.

When my teenage children have talked to me about their father (not dead but no longer in their lives due to addiction) I acknowledge there were good times however do say my experience as their fathers wife and their experience as the fathers children are two very differing experiences and my experience was painful and has damaged me as an adult and taken much time to heal.

I listen to my kids when they share happy memories of their father or say that they miss him, smile and nod but I refuse to 'revere' him as that would be disingenuous. He was a terrible father and husband and has damaged my kids forever; some part of them will always carry that hurt of choosing alcohol over them and the violence and cruelty they witnessed to me and to them.

I don't tell them all my truths and I don't tell them everything I went through but I won't support putting him on a pedestal either. That's not healthy for my kids.

You’ve all really helped me think this through, thank you. I don’t intend to seek any more professional therapy - I have seen a few counsellors over the years and I’ve yet to meet one who properly understands complex grief and addiction. I’m pretty OK for most of the time really, I’d just got to a point of wondering how to keep the dialogue going with my DD as she gets older.

@Colbinabbin thank you for your really balanced advice and I feel for you all. I found the language of being her father’s wife really helpful. We always tend to discuss him as ‘her Dad’ and at the right time being able to describe myself in the way you have might be useful.

I’ll continue as I have done though for now and go with the advice from you all which is so clearly based around your own experiences on all sides of this awful situation.

You've obviously come to a conclusion so I'm sorry to add another post, but this resonated so much with me. My late dh took his own life when ds was 14 during a psychotic episode and I have had to negotiate what I say to ds. I'm not really sure how successful I've been.

I would say that I have had some good therapy from a proper experienced psychotherapist. I'm extremely lucky to have been able to afford that and it has made all the difference. I think your longing to be seen and heard is completely reasonable but shouldn't be met by your dd. If you ever have the chance, try therapy again.

Absolutely nothing for your daughter to gain at this point in you telling her about her dad.
It was obviously very traumatic for you glad to hear your doing better.

She will ask if she wants to know. Do you ask her what it was like growing up with an alcoholic father? Do you listen to her anguish?

Another alcoholic’s daughter here. My father is alive, he stopped drinking when I was 25 but the damage which was done to me over years was huge. 14 is old enough so I think your daughter understands more then you think but for her own protection she needs this happy memories of her Dad to feel that she was loved and valued. I was about the same for years, I focused on good things because focusing on bad was just too much to cope with, it’s very difficult. For quite a while I couldn’t explain some things to my DH , he wouldn’t understand tbh. I have older sister who left for uni at the same time when things went down the hill, even she’s got different memories then me as for most of the time she wasn’t present.
My mum doesn’t like when we (my sister and I) are focusing even a bit on Dad’s good sides (and it’s very rare believe me). She sees it as not acknowledging her suffering. It makes me really furious especially now when I’m old and have my own child. She was an adult and had a choice, I had not. She never ever talked about how it affected me in terms of my mental health, personal relationships, and even health. I was her child and she was responsible for me. It’s affected my relationship with her as well. I don’t trust her judgment and I don’t feel that she has my interest at heart.

So I wouldn’t go into much details about how YOU suffered, I would acknowledge that it’s difficult life for BOTH of you as your DH had this illness. And I would try to recognise if your daughter had some problems mental or with relationships which might be a result of her childhood and helped her with them.

OP you sound like you have got to a good place on this. I think you are right that people would have a different reaction if it had been physical rather than emotional abuse that you experienced. But many daughters (including adult daughters) feel the need to forgive and cherish their alcoholic fathers, and I think that is visible in this thread. Maybe it even performs a psychologically protective function for them, as long as they don’t repeat the pattern in their own relationships. From one woman recovering from loving an alcoholic, to another - I respect you.

So many wise people on here, thank you so much. It is so sad that alcoholism touches and damages so many lives.

@PermanentTemporary the parallels with those bereaved by suicide are often very strong I find. I’ve had contact with several people bereaved in this way and it is clear than many of them had very complex relationships prior to the their loss.

a few of you have asked if I listen to my DD’s experience and I think I’ve said several times that I do and we speak openly about her Dad and how it impacts her. I suppose that one thing that prompted me to ask the question was a concern that by removing any discussion of the negative stuff, we could be minimising it, and in doing so I might be sending the wrong message about boundaries in relationships to my DD. Yes, I know I should have left him years before he died but I am absolutely certain that this would not have prompted him to seek help, but would instead have been another thing for him to blame his drinking on. That would only have piled on another layer of guilt.

I worry that I have sent a message that putting up with abuse in relationships is to be expected, although I hope she sees enough of me in other scenarios (I can be quite assertive if needed!) to compensate for that.

@Remindmelaterplease it sounds so HARD. I feel that you're second guessing yourself all the time- you should have left him earlier, you should make sure your dd gets a fully rounded picture of your marriage, you should be assertive to model that for your dd...

I'd just want you to be a bit kinder to yourself and a bit more 'shit happens'. Your dd will have her own ideas and there really is a huge limit on what she'll take in from you. Being a single parent is definitely not easy but maybe just spend a few minutes looking at the amazing person she is and the things you can see in her that you have influenced, and even more the things that seem to have come from somewhere else. Let the pride in her flood in to soothe your complicated pain.

I don't think she needs to know all the details, but nor should you have to sit there feeling uncomfortable while she talks positively about him. There has to be some balance. Your daughter is now an adult. I think it's ok to say to her 'actually, I find these conversations uncomfortable, I had quite a tough time of it with your dad's alcoholism'.

You wouldn't want her repeating the pattern, so I think it's important to acknowledge it was a very difficult situation.

OP I agree with the general sentiment on here, that talking about your hurt to your daughter wouldn't be the right thing to do - it would feel one sided (her dad isn't here to give his side) and would risk her feeling she has to reassure/sympathise with you. Regardless of her age, she's still the child in the scenario. However one aspect that I think would be worth considering is the message that if she ever does want to ask questions that you'll do your best to answer them. As others have said, as she gets older she may well reflect more and re-process some of those memories. In our twenties we still tend to see things as fairly black and white, one truth. As we get older we're more likely to doubt things we were previously certain on. She may develop more conflicting views about her dad with time and it may be helpful for her to know that she can ask questions. I don't doubt that you two talk openly, but sometimes we may feel that certain things are off limits, and people can end up convincing themselves that they must be 'fine' about something or accept something because everyone else appears to be.

I think your post is very unfair on the OP. You may be right about it being best left alone, but do you really think she needs a complete stranger suggesting that if she’d left he might have turned things around? It’s not up to you to make her feel guilty, when no doubt she probably already feels enough of that along with all the other complex things she feels. You’re out of order.

Hi OP. He was her dad and he was your husband. You had very different relationships with him. She doesn't need to know any of the finer details about your relationship with him. If you need to explore talking more about him and your relationship then maybe counselling could help you. xx

I can’t see how knowing the truth would possibly benefit her in any way at all. You might find that in time so of the rosy tinted glasses fall away and she realises more of what you went through.