Hi everyone
Really need some advice with a female perspective if thats ok!
In short my wife (I am a guy) and I have been not getting on for a while and last week she said she wanted to end it. We did a lot of talking and I think we are hoping to carry on but worry that she may have already 'checked out'.
For context and in brief, been together 22 years, married 16, 2 teenage kids. Its been an ok/good relationship, with typical ups and downs over the years but we have been down a similar road before.
I know I carry the majority of the blame. Biggest issue has been lack of emotional support to her, especially last year,. Her dad was ill and died and I simply wasn't there. I coundn't stand him but kept myself at arms length while all this was going on, didn't visit in hospital or care home. Didn't really engage with mother in law, pretty much left her to deal with a very stressful time.
The other part is my communication or lack of sometimes. We are both very stubborn and both struggle with backing down (in case the other sees it as 'winning' so I don't often ask her how her day has been when she comes in as often arguing over something trivial. One example was at the funeral, I asked what she expected of me on the day which upset and angered her and I should have know. What I thought I was asking was expectations around does she want me to look after kids and 'stand back' while she supported her mum and did all the stuff with guests or did she want me any her side the whole time, as that is the sort of thing I would want to be asked.
Over time as well, I have not been as supportive as much as I should have been with things like menopause and generally. My 'banter' went too far and I didn't see the impact it was having, like joking "is that your mums jumper", or purposely not asking how her night was. I am a very sarcastic person and was guilty of saying things without thinking. There was no malice intended, but I still see it as a form of emotional abuse (even though she says it isn't). No excusing it but was always (IMO) just banter and having a laugh.
Our interests changed a lot, I like going out to pubs and seeing bands, she doesn't and I would sometime get annoyed with that as I felt quite lonely at times. Then she would come out of pity and look miserable... cue argument!
She is stubborn, and quite moody at times (not just with me but friends, family etc) and on a similar vein to before had a similarish issue 8 years ago. Felt unloved my me, had something with a guy at work, just a few kisses and messages, nothing else, she still is guilty now even though I tell her its forgotten about. No trust issues from me.
She made the effort of seeing a band with me the other week. Looked great (one of my moans has been a lack of effort regarding sex and spicing things up every now and again) and I acted like an idiot and hardly spoke to her all night. Next day at a party did much the same. Petty and silly.
She has been pushing back on booking a holiday as unsure on things, then it came out last week she has been thinking for a while and doesn't think we have a future. Oh, and I was also not supportive when she went on a anti-depression pills (selfishly I was obsessed that the lack of sex drive side effect would kill the marriage, when it turns out that sex has been happening a little more while on them).
We had a long talk Monday, and then in Tuesday. I told her that this has been a kick I probably needed and was not aware of some of this. So she then sends me a link on Weds for a possible holiday place, and we continue to talk a lot but we keep talking a lot and focusing on the past. Friday we have sex and out with friends on Sat and had a good night. Then last night she is upset again and thinks that its too little too late. But then we agree to take it slowly and see if I can demonstrate that I have listened and can regain that trust.
My issue is that I am quick to process things and move on, very simple in that respect so my brain is saying we had a good week and what's the issue! She tends to dwell on things, thinks of things 10 years ago that happened and I think feels like she needs to be in control.
So, sorry for all that ranting but I guess I am trying to work out if these things can be repaired with time?