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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What's my next step?

25 replies

Eyesopenwideawake · 06/02/2023 15:50

Was going to NC for this but what the hell...

I was adopted at birth back in the early 1960's. I found my birth mother 20 years ago and we have a comfortable relationship.

When we first met she told me that my father had been in the US forces and returned to America on learning of her pregnancy (whether by choice or due to US forces policy isn't clear). She told me his name - John Brownlow*

BTW, the Daily Mail can fuck off.

Over the intervening years I've searched in vain for my bio father. I did a DNA test with Ancestry - no luck. However I saw a recent MN thread about transferring DNA results to other sites so I uploaded it to another search site and bingo; two positive results, one woman in her 80s and another in her 50s - my aunt and my half sister! A bit of digging and I find James John Brownley* - my father. Still alive and with (at least) three children.

The Daily Mail can still fuck right off.

I messaged the sister via the DNA site a week ago; no answer. I stressed that I didn't want to gatecrash their family, but that I had a natural curiosity to learn about this side of my history.

I've found their LinkedIn accounts (father, sister and brother) and, if they look, they will see I've viewed their profiles, although the accounts are fairly dormant; ditto their FB accounts (sorry if this sounds stalkerish!) - they obviously won't be notified of that.

Question is - what should I do now? Mail my father directly? Email the other sister or brother? Leave it? Thanks to the wonders of the web I've got addresses and phone numbers - maybe a letter?

Help!!

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 06/02/2023 15:50

Names are false, obvs!

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 06/02/2023 20:38

Anyone? I'm too close to this situation to see the options clearly.

OP posts:
pooooty · 06/02/2023 20:41

I'd email them all at once. Then you've covered all angles!

thirstyformore · 06/02/2023 20:41

I'm sure others will have more thought through advice, or can speak from experience, but I think I'd follow my gut. Which would be telling me to message him direct. You are entitled to email your father. You've had bugger all else from him over the years!

Pinkbonbon · 06/02/2023 20:43

See my inclination would be to go with messaging half sister first. Surely she'd be the mist stoked to know you. But then maybe she'll be after his money when he goes so won't want him to know you...

But i think she is thr best bet. To test the water.

Zanatdy · 06/02/2023 20:44

I’d write a letter. Sometimes messages on social media from people who are not friends don’t always get viewed straight away. Good luck

Led9519 · 06/02/2023 20:45

I hope the daily mail fucks off.

nc1013 · 06/02/2023 20:46

Not much for the daily Mail to print if it's fake names

Led9519 · 06/02/2023 20:47

Will the half sister get a notification from the site her DNA has matched in a sibling relationship?

tbh that could be quite a shock, I’d be so wobbly if I found out my Dad had a child before we were born.

Can you just contact the father in a few ways and explain and see if he responds? Rather than involve other possible relatives?

nc1013 · 06/02/2023 20:49

I'd go directly to your dad first OP. You don't know whether the others know of or not. If not they may be suspicious/cynical of "stranger" contacting them out of the blue.

If you try your dad with no response id then go to them. If he's kept you a secret from his family he doesn't deserve the secret to be protected anyway

Eyesopenwideawake · 06/02/2023 20:54

@Led9519 - I guess so. The aunt's DNA profile is managed by her daughter and looks like a 'typical' family tree. The sister's profile has only one name but is private so I can't see it. Intriguingly there is a story on her FB page about reuniting an adoptee with a birth relative but I might be reading (hoping) too much into that.

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 06/02/2023 20:56

@nc1013 - get your point but the DNA doesn't lie!

OP posts:
nc1013 · 06/02/2023 21:07

Eyesopenwideawake · 06/02/2023 20:56

@nc1013 - get your point but the DNA doesn't lie!

I wasn't suggesting the DNA wasn't accurate, or that the man you've found isn't your dad?
Really sorry id something I've said has come across wrong. I really wish you all the luck in finding him and your other family members

category12 · 06/02/2023 21:13

I'd try contacting your father.

Eyesopenwideawake · 06/02/2023 21:14

@nc1013 - no, you didn't say anything wrong! Thanks for your comments 😊

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 10/02/2023 15:53

Just a quick update - my half sister has been in contact and is beyond excited!

OP posts:
RedRose36 · 10/02/2023 16:02

@Eyesopenwideawake that's amazing news! Go glad you've had a response. How did it go?

Eyesopenwideawake · 10/02/2023 16:05

She's only just woken up and read my message! Think she's on the phone to the (massive!) family as I type...

OP posts:
category12 · 10/02/2023 18:58

Oh how exciting. I hope it works out well for you all 😊

Eyesopenwideawake · 10/02/2023 19:03

My father is still alive but in the end stages of Alzheimers. I've been sent lots of photos of him in happier times.

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 10/05/2023 08:59

Just a postscript. My father died yesterday. I'm so glad that I was able to go over to California to see him in March and that I've found a lovely new extended family, stretching from Alaska to the deep South.

OP posts:
MumLass · 10/05/2023 09:03

I love this thread! I'm so glad you got to meet him and have a new extended family. I'm sorry he has passed away though.

Whataretalkingabout · 10/05/2023 16:54

So sorry that your birth father has died. You were so lucky to have found him finally and been able to contact your birth family and actually get to meet him before he died. And your birth family has been so kind. This warms my heart. Thanks for sharing . Take care .

Passmethpens · 11/05/2023 02:26

Well done for doing all this OP and the timing was incredible!
wishing you all the best xx

suburbophobe · 11/05/2023 03:52

Wonderful OP. So glad you were able to trace your family. And condolences on your dad.

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