I just wanted to share my story- the updated version.
In 2014, shortly after the birth of my first child, I shared a post on here, in this forum, about not wanting to spend my maternity leave with my MIL.
Her expectations were high, her criticism constant and her company was draining. She became quite stalker-like, contacting me through the night for updates on how "her" little angel was sleeping and there were unannounced visits when her son returned to work.
FIL was pretty easy going, but had this degree of control over DH and his sibling. They seemed to have no autonomy, no intuition or self belief, taking all their decisions to FIL who would agree or veto everything.
His sister left her first husband after only a year married and confided in me that she believed MIL had got between her and her husband. I think this is when I truly realised that I wasn't imagining all of these feelings I had around MIL. Everyone in the family was out to please her, FIL, DH, SIL and I was expected to do the same.
I became quite poorly after that and was treated for PND, I'd even had hallucinations- seeing MIL at the end of my bed on waking, feeling that I was babysitting my own child for her. Worried at what she would say next.
I was referred to a mother and baby unit for support and through counselling, they uncovered that MIL was not helping me in anyway- just causing distress.
I told DH who said "she's like this with everyone"
"Just ignore her."
"She's a pain but she means well."
He asked her to back off a little (reluctantly) and she did, but her digs became sharper and she became less friendly towards me.
DH and I had a rocky relationship during this time- we looked at separating and he could not see that the problem was his mother. I asked him to not allow her to interfere in our finances but he blamed me for not being "more tolerant". I learned that FIL himself was very impatient with her, but expected everyone else to be. SIL moved away to get away from her and became a support to me in some ways.
Eventually, there was a big argument and I didn't see MIL for 6 months. It was bliss. But I had to part ways with my child every Saturday morning so MIL could see her with DH and I stopped her looking after her at all during the week when I returned to work which ruffled everyone's feathers. But I knew that she would trample all over any boundaries I tried to keep.
Things improved, I began sitting in her company again, got pregnant again, but kept my distance. She'd have a dig now and then and I'd laugh it off- like I was supposed to but she was rude to me frequently, treating me like I was invisible. I ignored it.
Another baby later and boundaries in place, she lost interest in being a grandmother, the novelty wore off and during her days with my second child when I returned to work, she would leave him with FiL and go out for the day! FIL and MIL were clearly suspicious of me after rejecting their control and expectations but they were extremely helpful with the children whenever DH and I needed them and I valued that.
Covid was a welcomed break from them.
SIL then returned to the area and suddenly became quite close to MIL and I could see that a condescending, petty attitude had developed towards me. There was lots of needling from SIL, underhanded criticisms whilst MIL sat quietly, now her monkey was doing the work for her. I brought this up with DH, explaining why I no longer wanted to be in SILs company either and again, I needed to be more tolerant, I was imagining things.
I left the family whatsapp after repeated digs and condescending remarks from SIL who appeared to use the whatsapp group as a platform for garnering sympathy and praise from DH, MIL and FIL and nobody else appeared to be allowed to write anything. It was like MIL had handed over the narcissistic reigns to SIL. She needed empathy, help support with everything but gaslighted me whenever I explained I was struggling with the children or with work- dismissing me or patronising me.
There were private talks about why I'd left the group- nobody once asked me why! When she couldn't get at me through whatsapp, she started to attack my personal blog through an alias. I knew it was her because she was disagreeing to things with the same words and arguments She'd made before. I then limited the audience of my blog to see if the comments still came- the did. When I removed her access to the blog, she began writing condescending passages on my social media pages if I shared anything to do with feminism or of social importance- largely just articles without offering too much opinion.
At this point, MIL had stopped all criticism but had taken to complete blanking of me. She now had SIL to do her dirty work.
One day, SIL spotted herself in a post I wrote right here on MN- by me. Asking for advice on her behaviour. The whole family knew about it- there were screen shots, whispers, texts but I didn't know anything about it.
Nobody spoke to me for weeks until DH confronted me. No, not confronted his sister, confronted me for speaking out in the first place. So, I aksed him to leave.
I messaged the narcissists and flying monkeys, enablers together and openly told them how disappointing and ceappy their behaviour had been.
They never replied.
Just a tale to remind you that when people say you have a DH problem, not just a MIL problem, believe them. It's a family disorder that you don't wan to be part of.