Advice about refuge

[ChangeOfName22]

Hello,

I have been advised by a DV charity that I can go to a refuge if I want to. My head is all over and I told them I would think about it. Could anybody please advise - any information about living in a refuge? I don't have any children so it's just myself.

I'm worried because:

I'm told I have to put my job on hold and I'm not sure this is possible. I cannot fund the refuge myself, apparently the cost has to be paid by housing benefit

The refuge has to be at least 25 miles away (this means a long way from my job)

How long might I be there for? I cannot imagine I'd be able to privately rent if I am claiming housing benefit

I'm worried about telling my employer, how would I begin to explain?

I honestly don't know what to do but it is something to consider and at least I know the option is there. The other option is to private rent but I do not feel I can do it alone. I need support.

Could you just look for a room on spareroom?
It'll be cheaper than a flat and likely the person you are renting from will ask for a rent that covers bills, which they'll take care of.

Look to share with women.

I normally would advise the refuge but I think not losing your job is more important.

If your partner is violent, call the police and have him arrested. Hopefully that'll buy you some time to find a room.

I'm sorry that you've found yourself in this situation - it must be awful for you.

There are things to protect you and it's your right to be able to keep your job of course. Firstly, you dial 999 at the first sign of any trouble at any time regardless of your next steps.

I'm not sure which DV charity you spoke with but may I recommend Women's Aid as it might be more practical for your situation.

I'm assuming that friends/family helping isn't possible for you? xx

Thank you for the response. I'm estranged from my family. I can't say a lot because he uses MN.

I agree my job is the most important and I can't leave. But I know I have an option at least.

And if he knows where you work then be sure to inform your work what is going on so that they can alert their security to keep watch for him.

I'd imagine the refuge wants you to leave work so that he can't follow you to them though. So you have to consider that if you keep working and don't want him to know where you are.

Perhaps before leaving him, you can lie to him and say you got fired. Ask work to change your shift patters maybe. Or take a few days off. So that if he goes looking there he won't find you. Vary your routes home. Maybe get a lift from colleagues so the car is different.

And obv, don't tell anyone where you are moving.

You poor thing. I would probably talk to work or talk to your GP and get yourself signed off. You need some time for processing and a move.

The police got involved in my abusive break up - he called them on me as part of the abuse. They do offer a lot of protection and you shouldn't need to give up your job but you should probably take some time to think your plan through darling xx

Thank you. House sharing is an idea and I've done this before as a student but I'm very anxious about who I might be living with, if it will be noisy (noise makes me anxious) who I'll be sharing facilities with, things like that. I also don't want to share with men, and women can be bullies as well so it's a tough one.

The world seems a scary place

Well i mean whats worse? Living with an abusive man or living with a woman who MIGHT turn out to be a bully?

Or being in an abusive relationship or being in a place that MIGHT sometimes be noisey?

Surely just hope for the best. Anything is better than keeping this jerk about.

Maybe look to be a lodger in a home instead of a room someone is subletting. That way you can leave with little to no notice if you don't like the place/people.

If the first place is not good enough, you just leave and find another place.

We tend to over think these things.
Just Start lining up some viewings and if the people seem nice enough then go for it. Worst case scenario, you don't like them and have to give a month notice to leave and ýou find somewhere else.

Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry you are in this position. You could just go into a refuge for a few days to give yourself some head space and to consider your next steps. The support workers will be there to support you and help you come up with a plan, they can also help with housing applications etc. They will be able to help you xxx

Well done for taking the first steps.. Can you talk to HR, maybe an unpaid sabbatical may be an option. If you explain your circumstances they may be able to offer some ideas which allow you to keep your job and get away for a while.

Wishing you every success in getting away and beginning the rest of your life..

I can't give any advice but I do know someone who has done it and is currently going through it. She wasn't in a place to be able to rent privately so she was/possibly still is in a refuge for a number of months due to a DV relationship. Also estranged from her family.

I know her from a weekly well being course I do and she talks so openly about what she's been through. She says although it's been hard, it's been the best thing she could of done. She's free. She's starting again and although she doesn't haven't it all figured out yet, she's on the right path. Her ex has no idea where she is. She feels safe. She also has no children.

She actually has made some really close friendships from the refuge. The majority of women are sadly there for the same reason but she says you can bond with these women and it feels special - her words.

Just thought I'd share her experience of what she's said x