How to stop thinking about an upsetting friendship?

[Onthewholeitsgood]

An old friend and I drifted apart a long time ago. I distanced myself because of hurtful and self centred behaviour from her. She just wasn’t a friend any longer.

in the intervening years I have had various bereavements and difficulties. All part and parcel of a normal life. She has not been a support to me. However, she is resentful that I have failed to support her! This comes up from time to time.

She has sporadically tried to discuss this over the years. I don’t want to go there because I don’t want to hurt her feelings with a full airing of past problems and I know that she will have a fight with me about it. Witnessing her behaviour over the years confirms that she is fairly narcissistic and not good at empathy. She has fallen out with a lot of friends and family. Much more than is normal.

I also have not had this problem with other friends so I honestly believe the problem is her not me.

the question I have is how do I forget the whole thing? I have tried to be kind and vague in my replies but I have residual anger towards her. It would not be productive to express this. Really what I want is closure and to feel peaceful about it all.

Any tips for distracting yourself from ruminating on a gone wrong relationship where you haven’t been able to express your side of things fully?

Is there any reason to still keep her in your life?

In an ideal world, no. That would be perfect.

Unfortunately, I will meet her from time to time for the foreseeable future because of the culture that we are both part of.

Things like this can only fester and you will end up having so much resentment towards her and her you that it will end up toxic anyway. I have been through it although thankfully we never have to cross paths again. Just one word responses and a brief smile when you do have to meet her. Your friendship is over so the best you can hope for is being friendly not friends with her.

I'm not one for confrontation, but in this instance I would have to say something.

"Are you joking? What about when I was going through X, Y and Z? Did you offer any support then? You seem to see things very one-sided."

Yes, I think I’m coming round to this idea. I need to stand up for myself. I just never want to hurt anyone but I think I’m going to have to.

It will help if your feelings are heard and validated, but you have to do this for yourself. Write it all down. Everything. Every minor irritation over the years, all the times she's dismissed your feelings, the whole story you're constantly telling yourself in your head, get it onto paper. All the things you'd like to say to her. I had to go out and buy a red pen when I did this, and there was a lot of underlining and capital letters.

Might take a few sittings, because you'll probably remember things to add whilst you're out and about. You don't have to do anything with the resulting paragraphs, essay, novel, library, whatever it is, but you might like to read it through a few weeks later. Read about self validation during those few weeks. You'll be sorted by spring.

You're not hurting her
You've been supportive and she is expecting more from you in a one way street. Friendship isn't a one way street and she's failed to be supportive to you in line with her own expectations

I would try to file her as a taker in your head, someone that isn't kind in the same way you are, and keep her and your interactions at acquaintance level

Get mad and write her a letter but then burn it. She wouldn't listen to you anyway but you can put your feelings on paper and let them drift up in ashes into the world

You are very kind. Thanks to all replies. I appreciate it. Hate being muddled up by this. I’m usually very good at boundaries but I expect I should have challenged her much more.

I’m really very touched by the trouble you all have taken to reply. I don’t want to bore and burden the people around me with this. And you have so kindly listened. I’m going to write it down. Probably to burn it. If she talks to me again then at that point I will challenge her - but this time with my story straight! Thank you 🙏🏻

I am experiencing something similar at the moment. It is helpful to look at what your options really are and choose the least bad one.

The choices are:

-Explain why you have distanced yourself and be met with a crazy-making lack of accountability, etc
-Continue to have the same boundaries with her and endure the continuing criticism
-Avoid her at all costs

Which option will give you more peace?

With the final option you say you’re unable to do this because of the culture you’re both part of. What culture are you referring to, and why does it mean you are not allowed to have the necessary boundaries for you to heal, ie no contact?
I’m guessing this is the real problem, right here.

if you can’t cut her out completely, ignore the digs.
walk away from when she starts.

DO NOT engage with well you did this to me.
she’s trying to entice you into a big fight where she will play the victim.

you can never ever win with people like this.

You never need to 'stand up for yourself' in a healthy relationship. You might have to in a professional or legal setting, but in any kind of relationship, if you feel you need to stand up for yourself, you walk away.

Simply tell people what you need. If they don't listen to and respect what you say, they need to be out of your life as much as is possible.

'I need you to stop shouting at me'
'I need you to stop accusing me of being xyz'
'I need you to reciprocate my friendship'
'I need you to respect my schedule'

'I need' anything isn't offensive or rude. If they over ride it, they're essentially telling you that what you need isn't a priority for them, and that's a sackable offense in a personal relationship.

I love that. “You never need to stand up for yourself in a healthy relationship.”

i have found this to be true!

What culture are you referring to, and why does it mean you are not allowed to have the necessary boundaries for you to heal, ie no contact?

It doesn't matter what culture really. Perhaps the OP means that from time to time they are both present in the same location at the same time, and that this cannot be avoided.