I

[user1820223]

I really think I might be going mad.

I love DH a lot, in a lot of ways he's a good husband. Most of the time in fact.

But sometimes he's really controlling. He threatened to hit me with a laptop a few weeks ago and never apologised we just never spoke about it again and I can't shake it off. He won't let me change my job either, or like me using my holidays.

I had counselling for about 18 months and she was sympathetic but just told me I need better boundaries which I couldn't get her to understand feel impossible with him.

I feel like I'm going crazy now though. I keep going round in circles in my mind about should I leave him, yes, but I love him I can't, but I don't like how he treats me sometimes, so I should leave him, yes - and round and round I go. I'm also feeling massively, intensely guilty about having all these thoughts. I can't stop them.

Sometimes I try and take a hard line with myself and be like, "just stay with him then you love him" but we are supposed to be starting IVF in September and I desperately want a baby but as soon as I think of having a baby with him I have an almost physical "NO" reaction, like I have to shake my head and say no loads of times because I so strongly feel I shouldn't do that.

But even still with all that, I'm frozen in place and don't do anything.

Has anyone been in a similar situation or have any advice about how I can move forward?

He threatened to hit you. This is only going to get worse. Please do not have a child with him. Imagine having him as a father.
you need to get away. Can you go and stay with your family?

Your instincts are telling you to leave. Listen to them. Your logical brain is coming up with reasons to stay. We have amazing brains that can think their way around most situations!

Trust your instincts. Make plans to leave and do NOT have a baby with him. Your and your DC’s lives would be hell with him. Don’t do that to yourself and especially don’t do that to a child.

Do not bring a baby into this relationship. If you have doubts now, believe me, the stresses and strains of a baby will exacerbate everything that is not right for you or between you.
Your desire for a baby is selfish given how you are in doubt about your relationship. It’s not a good place to be with a babe in arms.
Be responsible and sort out your relationship before you procreate.

Please do not bring a child into this. He is aggressive and a bully, if you bring a child into this you will be tied to him forever and the baby will suffer.
you are a grown woman and you can make your own decisions, a child can’t, they will be stuck living with a controlling aggressor and they will be damaged their whole life.

I'm not going to have a baby with him. I went back on the pill because I told him I couldn't deal with the negative tests all the time. I know it wouldn't be fair on them, I hate the thought if I had a girl they would think it's okay to be treated like this, or a boy to treat their wife like this. I won't do it.

The laptop thing, I don't think he would have hit me. I don't feel unsafe or like he could hurt me at any point, that's the most extreme end of things. And we were arguing and I was being annoying. I feel like I need to justify it to you now. And I justify it in my head by saying these things to myself too.

Why do you love him? Did you ever think he’d threaten to hit you ? Probably not. So he may actually hit you next time. Why is he stopping you move job?

you can be free of him so please choose a good life rather than a miserable one.

Absolutely do not even think about having a child with this man. This is a relationship you need to leave. This won't get better.

"He threatened to hit me with a laptop a few weeks ago and never apologised we just never spoke about it again and I can't shake it off. He won't let me change my job either, or like me using my holidays".

HE almost hit you with a laptop, HE wont allow you to change YOUR job. HE does not like YOU using YOUR holidays! HE has an awful lot of control doesn't HE!

Any one of those three would have been a decider for me. I will assume there is much you have not said here. He is controlling and in no way are these acceptable behaviours. With kindness OP, this marriage is going no where. Only YOU can make the right choices for yourself now. What you allow, is what will happen. Do not allow this anymore for yourself but, do it calmly , timely and safely.