AIBU - Sundays

[Jacqueline1985]

Hubby went away last night to a mates city for a night out. Before he left he didnt help with any weekend chores. Got back at mid day today and started drinking straight away, watching a film. Just sat down all afternoon, drank alcohol and then stood up at 930pm and announced hes off to bed. No help with kids, getting ready for school tomorrow, washing and general tidying. No offer to help and i would say this is typical of him

Horrible selfish behaviour
if it’s a one off - I’d talk to him but move on

if it’s regular I would rather be alone
you deserve better

It is selfish isnt it. Its a joke. If i tackle him about it, he will get out of it by saying i didnt ask him to do anything!! Like in the boss ffs. He knows what needs to be done 🤦🏻‍♀️

Jacqueline, this isn’t an equal partnership. Your H feels entitled to act like a single guy who has no family responsibilities.

I would read him the riot act and tell him to shape up, muck in, and actively pursue and share the parenting/home activities. Besides being highly unfair to you, a disengaged dad who spends his free time going out or lounging around drinking is a very poor role model for the children.

Show him the door if he pushes back and the juvenile behavior continues.

This whole you didn’t ask me, it drives me mad. Why are women the only people who know what needs doing? It drives me bonkers and the reason I’ve been single for over a decade. I’ve started dating someone recently who is a single dad, so actually knows what needs doing in his house, I think that’s the only way I could live with a man again. One already trained!

A wholesale shift in attitudes is needed here. You need to stop framing it as helping. It makes it sound like you're meant to don't all and he can help you out of he chooses to.

Have you sorted all of his stuff out for the week? If so, why? Why give yourself the extra work and give him this easy life?

He sounds awful. I actually don't know why you put up with it? Why do you?

Honestly i dont know why i put up with it or how its come to this!!! We both work full time. Ive tried not washing up for ex ample and let it pile up. He just washes up the pots he needs. Not making the bed after stripping it. He just goes to bed with no duvet covers on. Ill leave the bathroom a mess and not clean that but its all stuff that goes un noticed. It’s frustrating as i hate living in a pig sty. He doesnt seem to care and will carry on getting up, going to work and come home with beers. He claims hes skint and i do pay out more than him for stuff, but hes always got money for drinks. I caught him vaping yesterday. I had this feeling he was vaping and a couple of times id walked into a room he was in and it smelt really fruity. He swore blind i was a psycho going on and it was the air fresheners. Then yesterday caught him. My mum died of lung cancer so he knows how i feel about smoking/vaping. I know hes an adult and can drink/smoke as he likes but im sick of him acting like this. Swear hes hiding drinks too as he came home with some, which sat in the fridge except his glass never seemed empty

Get rid. You would happier on your own I reckon. 💐

So what is he good for? anything?

not domestic support
not financial support
not child caring support

But if you ask him to do something you’d be a nag. You can’t win.

If i was on my own my house would be clean and organised. I cant deal with all this resentment and bad feeling. Yes that would be the next thing - id be nagging him. I feel worn down by it all

Resentment - the relationship killer.

He is a parent and lives in a house. He knows what needs to be done. He accepted those responsibilities when he decided to become a parent and live with someone else. Does he sit on his arse at work and do fuck all unless someone sits behind him telling him what individual tasks to do daily? I very much doubt it.

You can see if he would do counselling with you. Or offer an ultimatum and then be prepared to chuck him out

You both work full time so it's not fair to leave it all on you. If he worked 60 hrs a week and you were a SAHM I could understand letting him off to decompress and relax on a rare day off. However I think you need a frank conversation with him.
Write down some points you want to make. Don't get upset or emotional with him - state facts, make your point firmly but calmly.
Divide up chores etc and if he doesn't carry his end then you can show him the door.

He knows, though! He knows he hasn't done any childcare. He knows he hasn't got the kids ready for school. He knows OP works full time. He knows he chose to wash up his pots and nothing else.

Ha! I thought it was just mine who is quite happy to get into a stripped bed and just use the duvet and pillow without covers. Same with the toilet. If I didn't clean it, it would be left literally forever. Lazy sods. Our resentment is completely justified.

So when he’s not at work he’s either out on the town or sitting on his arse necking cans. Is that right? What a lovely example to your kids. Stop being a mug and get rid of this loser.

He's a poor excuse for a husband and father.

Ask him to come to couples counselling. I think you would benefit from learning how to share the emotional and domestic labour. And I agree you shouldn't have to ask him to do everything, he should be able to pull his weight amd notice what needs to be done.

Sounds like he thinks you're the maid/housekeeper. Why have you put up with it? Let the pattern start?