Recurring arguments with DP about sex and my gynae problems

[dressinggowndayallday]

I could do with some insights please. I feel like our 20 year relationship could be over.

For background, DP is notoriously terrible at communicating. He just shuts down at any kind of emotional talk and feels 'blamed' even when he is not being blamed (some childhood stuff). He looks so so uncomfortable with 'talking' it is actually quite extreme. After many years of any problems taking much longer to sort out because of this, I am sick and tired of it.

Anyway, last year I went to the drs about some uncomfortable gynae issues. I have been told I have a prolapse. I'm not even late 30s yet, and I feel so self conscious about it and don't feel at all sexy anymore. They are saying I am too young / it's not yet bad enough for a repair.

My issue is that DP says he understands how I feel etc, but then he tries to have sex, and sometimes I feel okay and we do it, but sometimes I do not and I don't want to. He then says he doesn't sulk but he does a little. He will try a few times over say 24 hrs, which feels like pressure to me. Even after we do other non-PIV stuff which I am happy to do.

It is really hurting our relationship. I cannot keep getting emotionally hurt every time. We have the discussion about how I feel about myself, it's not about him etc, and each time he seems to listen, but it goes back to square one again soon after.

To be fair to him, I've had issues with sex our whole relationship due to previous abuse and body image issues, there have been long periods I have pushed him away and other times long periods sex has been good between us.

He doesn't seem to (or pretends not to) understand why - if I physically still CAN do it, why I don't want to. I've been accused of 'just not wanting to' , 'making excuses' , 'it's the same as what's been happening the whole time', of 'creating distance'.

All of this really hurts me and I feel done. Although I still love him. We had a massive argument this weekend when DC were out with their nan, and I've told him I'm done. I don't know if this is the end for us. It doesn't feel completely done but I am exasperated. With no communication I don't know if we can sort it out. I know people will say he is abusive, and maybe, however in 20 years he has not been like this before. Maybe before it didn't hurt me as much because my issues were mental, not physical, and so now I am scared he will leave me all the time and jealous. It's a mess.

It sounds as if neither of you feel safe communicating honestly, although that comes out in different ways.

Was there any support or advice offered around the prolapse [hollow laugh] - physiotherapy, nurse specialist, anything?

Have you tried relationship therapy in some form?

@PermanentTemporary Yes, we definitely both do not feel safe communicating honestly. Thanks, that's a really good way of putting it.

I'm on a waiting list for gynae which they say may take 1 year. I paid to go to a private pelvic physio and she was great, made sure I am doing exercises correctly etc, but she did say that in my case my floor is strong, it's my ligaments causing it so exercises won't help a lot but still to do them.

He would never go to relationship counselling, would rather gauge his own eyes out. I just don't know where we go from here. As I get into late 30s, I am becoming more and more fed up of round and round arguments and zero communication (we met very young and had years of busy with young dc now they are older).

😔😔

I can imagine after repeatedly having to battle through the hedges round his tower in order to talk to him, you're getting fed up with the effort. Why on earth can't he see that trying to communicate via sex alone is not working??

Would he possibly read a book alongside you? A friend who I thought was going to split up with her partner said things improved a lot after they read the book Rapport together. I think they went a chapter at a time and then talked about it. I'm not sure that they'll be together forever as per Jason and Kylie, but she said it did help them talk.

Well if he loves you and says he understands then he needs to be patient. That’s it. No sulking, no expecting sex. Full stop. It’s very hard but that’s the reality of the situation if you’re having these physical issues. He should understand that you’ve been referred for treatment and you’re trying but that life isn’t perfect and this is where you’ve found yourselves.

I am in a similar situation to you- I have long term health issues including severe bladder pain and sex is completely off the cards. I am older than you - I’m 42- but my husband is younger and he’s okay with our situation. We communicate well and he knows I can’t help it. It’s not ideal for anyone but we’ve come through so much together - been together a very long time and have a disabled dc together too - so it really isn’t the be all and end all of our relationship. We are very realistic about it all and know that the media tends to make out everyone is swinging from the chandeliers having sex non stop but real life isn’t like that. I don’t feel guilty about it because I can’t help it and he knows that. I do worry sometimes it isn’t enough for him but if I ever even suggest that to him he gets upset with me and says don’t I realise he isn’t that sort of man.

Your dh has absolutely no right to get sulky with you.

I think this is about communication, not sex. The sex issues would be surmountable if he wasn't so resistant to constructive communication about, well, anything. If he's not interested in trying and would not consider relationship counselling, I don't know what the point is really? I think you should leave him. And see if you can find a really good women's health physio.

@PermanentTemporary Yes it is getting so tiring. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Don't want to leave but don't want to stay.
I highly doubt he would agree to read a book together, maybe.. if I gave him an ultimatum he might. Thanks for the book suggestion, I will look up that book.

@Xrays Thanks for replying and I'm sorry you are having issues too. I also suffer with my bladder for years so know what you mean. It sounds like your husband is more accepting of your situation than my DP. DP has been through a lot these past few years and is definitely in the thick of a mid life crisis and lack of confidence, he seems 'lost' tbh, and I feel for him so much, but I think he might be using sex as a way to make him feel better, but at the same time, I am a person too and I just cannot keep getting hurt by his lack of understanding for me.