What to do - Group of friends, one has cut me me off.

[Aquael]

Let me preface this post by saying I have ADHD and ASD. My friends do not know, but it has effected my friendships much if my life as I struggle to understand fully how a friendship works and when I can open up and be myself with them. I sometimes struggle to read people. So here's my issue:

I have a group of friends 5 friends. We all met through our children's school and have been friends for years and years. We often do things as a group or at least a few of us together, coffees, dinner, park play dates when the children were younger, shows / concerts, etc. Occasionally, free time permitting I would do things separately with a few of them I was closer to. One of whom has withdrawn from me over the past 2 years and I can't figure out why. We were decent (but not super close) friends going out for coffees, getting our children together for play dates and outings, she threw me a baby shower and surprise birthday party so she thought enough of me to spend some effort on getting together. For approx the last 2 years she's avoided meeting up just me and her together despite me making many suggestions to. She's always busy or unable to meet, and has never made the effort to message or suggest we meet up, and no longer invites my child over to play with hers. At first I thought maybe she was just really busy with her business but then I realised she was still meeting up separately with some of the others in our group on a fairly regular basis and getting the children together. The only time I see her now is when we do things together as a group. She's always chatty and everything seems back to normal when we're in a group setting. I find it very confusing because then I think perhaps it's all in my head.

I'm not a confrontational person and because I have ADHD and ASD I know sometimes I see things differently than others and struggle to understand what is acceptable / not or what may or may not cause offence. There have been many times I've wanted to bring our relationship up to her and ask whats happened and if I've upset her or done something wrong but I'm worried if I do it will make things really awkward when we're together as a group. I'm also a bit paranoid / worried that maybe she's mentioned her thoughts / issues about me to some of the others when they've.m been together, but I really have no reason to believe this since the rest of the group have not changed the way they interact with me. Sometimes I wonder if I should ask my other friends in the group if my friend has said anything to them because she's withdrawn from our friendship just to see if they have any insight they can share with me. I know I shouldn't really say anything to them because I don't want to trap them in the middle and make things weird but the fact my one friend has totally withdrawn from me is really confusing for me.

Has anyone been in a situation like this, or can you offer some guidance into what you would do or what I should do with this? I'm rubbish at things like this because of my ND issues

Is it possible that it's not you, but that her DC don't especially like your DC?

I wouldn't say anything. I get the desire to. That was me (also ADHD and suspected ASD) I wanted to get things out in the open. But people that can do that, be completely fake to your face, whilst being pretty explicit with the downgrading of relationship, are not worth it. It's passive aggressive behaviour. You talking about it will more likely come back on you than get you any answers. It's obviously important for her to pretend, so you bringing it out into the open wont go down well. Depending on the fall out it may also make other people feel like they have to choose.

My advice would be to treat her the same way. Keep things nice and superficial in the group but don't make any effort for anything separate or personal. You most likely haven't done anything wrong. People do this. Even if you did something to upset her 2 years ago, she obviously didn't value the relationship enough to get over it or talk to you about it.

Please move on from her, she isn't worth your energy. If you do this, you may notice it ignites her interest. If so, do not go there! Someone who does that kind of push/pull without any explanation is not worth it!

I always always opened myself up to people. I tried to be honest and connect, in the hope that it would clear up any misunderstanding. This thinking gets abused. Keep yourself safe. People that care about you wont misunderstand or punish you

I suspect it may be to do with the DCs not getting on. What age are they ?

I think it’s more a children issue than a you issue. Her kids don’t get on with yours or vice versa

Thank you for your replies. I agree that I will probably just have to suck it up and cut my losses and do exactly as was suggested above and just remain civil and normal and not approach her about it. It's just such a mystery.

Another example of odd behaviour is that if someone in our group chat can't make it to an arranged dinner they'll message saying sorry can't come blah blah blah, and everyone will reply / send a reaction to the message somehow such as 'sorry to hear you can't make it, you'll be missed', etc. Shes literally attached to her phone and will always see the message within the first few mins and send a reply like that. But when it comes to me sending a message saying I can't make it, the others will send a reply as above, but she won't say anything or instead just like someone else's reply saying I'll be missed. It's just small things like that I've noticed.

As for our children not getting along as a PP mentioned, they all still get along and go to each others birthdays, get togethers at places like jumping venues, etc. so I really don't think it's that

On the other hand, it might be she just isn't as into you as she was. Friendships have lifespans - try not to take it personally. And if, from what you know of her, she's a reasonably good person, she's probably not badmouthing you to your other friends.

OP, it might be painful but honestly you can’t win them all. Some people won’t like you. Almost no-one gets on with everyone everywhere - it’s just not possible. Life becomes much easier once you accept that. Just be pleasant to each other and care a bit less.

I agree with the pp - why do you care so much if it wasn't even a close friendship? You hae others fom the group and she is friendly enough in the group situation, she may have her reasons or simply has more limited time so chooses to meet separately with those she's really close to.