ExH is back - venting

[MeghanThyStallion]

ExH moved hundreds of miles away shortly after I divorced him. The DC were 7 and 4 at the time. He's had patchy contact since and it's been a mess. Social services are involved because of his abysmal parenting. He treated me appallingly during our marriage and I had to get a non-molestation order to stop him harassing me after our divorce. He also has another younger daughter - who he doesn't see - also hundreds of miles away, after a fairly short second marriage.

Now he's moved back to our town. He's already started popping up at the DC's clubs. I just want him to leave us alone. He doesn't get to walk away, harass me, neglect the children, then pop up again expecting to play happy families. He's done nothing to take care or responsibility for them, but now he's expecting to be fully involved in their lives like the last 8 years didn't happen.

I feel miserable. The DC are thrilled: no rules, lots of cash splashed. He's going to keep putting me through hell.

I know it’s hard. And unfair.
But, as far as the kids concerned - if he wants to have a relationship with them -
they can decide to do so.
And, it’s hard to argue against it being in their best long term interests.

Your eldest must be about 15 now. From 16 they can chose where they live. And it’s s tricky age - so I’d try to make sure you don’t push them away - as teenagers can be quite contrarian.

What do your kids know about your history? I think your best bet is honesty and being open with your kids, in an age appropriate way, obv.
And also in acknowledging that even while you hate your ex - he is still their father. And they don’t want to hate him.

Forgot to add - the bit you can control for now still is him having the kids overnight.
If you don’t think he has appropriate accommodation, or isn’t capable of keeping them safe - you don’t have to agree to overnights and he can take you to court to fight for it.

In your place - I’d allow slow reintroduction of contact, but without having him ‘fully’ involved.
If social services are involved - they may he able to keep his actual involvement in their lives under control.

How are social services involved? Highly unusual under your circumstances given you are both separated

I know I have to go with what's best for the DC and they want to see their dad. It's just so bloody unfair that he can waltz back into their lives like this. He'll waltz right back out again when he comes across a new money-making opportunity and then they'll be heartbroken again and I'll be picking up the pieces.

Social services are involved because the DC disclosed (long after the fact) that they witnessed domestic violence during his second marriage and that he neglected them when he had them overnight.

It sounds like there is a good case for not allowing overnights - so hopefully SS will do their part.
As to whether Ex disappears a again - he may or may not. And - with you by their side - your kids will get through it.
They are older now and will be able to make their own conclusions about him - based on his behavior.