Alcoholic ex - whether to message

[Rockingchai]

I left my ex two years 3 months ago because of his drinking. I essentially had to flee my home with my young son because he wouldn’t leave and my son was being exposed to really awful drunk induced behaviour.

He since went to residential rehab for a few months and stopped drinking last March. After a year of not really seeing my son he’s settled into a couple of hours every other weekend. Things have been civil and so much better for all.

Until last night - when my ex sent me a number of abusive text messages out of the blue - I know he must have been drunk because this is exactly what I was getting before rehab.

Those with alcoholic exes - do I totally ignore - do I respond to say I’m worried he’s been drinking again? I know I didn’t cause it / can’t control it but should I plant a seed - will it just cause more shame and drinking - shall I sit tight for now. He’s not due to see my son again for 6 weeks anyway as abroad. It’s so desperately but not unexpected

Don’t respond. I would consider mute/temporarily block him for the next few weeks. Your job is to protect yourself.

I don’t have a alcoholic ex so maybe someone else would suggest something different.

So sorry OP, that is really sad.

I would suggest that if he's relapsed he will still be drinking and therefore likely to respond to any message (no matter how kind) with more abuse.

I would ignore it - and hope he will sober up and get back into recovery, and make an apology to you.

No, I wouldn't message him. If he's drinking again, he'll just lie and get angry.

Keep the messages, don't respond.

When it comes to the next access visit, if you have any doubts about his sobriety, consider refusing contact.

Don't respond. Keep any communications you get. If you have any qualms at all about the safety of your son with your ex, do not allow contact to go ahead. He's been in recovery less than a year, it's going to take longer than that for him to stabilise and there will be more relapses along the way.

So sorry. I’m expecting similar at some point. I think you need to not respond, and limit contact until you feel reassured about his drinking (my ex does monthly blood tests for now) - safeguarding your son takes priority. If he pushes back and says he wasn’t drunk then ask for proof (ie hair or blood test)

Don't respond. Also, don't expect he will ever quit drinking and plan accordingly. Alcoholism is a very hard addition to break and most don't manage.

I know I didn’t cause it / can’t control it but should I plant a seed - will it just cause more shame and drinking
I'd have a look at this statement and indeed why you're wondering whether to respond. You say you know you didn't cause it but then wonder if responding will cause it. Did you seek any support when you left, to deal with the effects of his addiction on you and your son? If not, I would use this incident as the trigger to do this. Al Anon is one port of call but there are others - unfortunately I can't link to a very good page of options because MN's policy will automatically hide my post, but if you search for Alcohol Change dot org dot uk you should find it there.

The main concern is him being drunk during a contact visit with your son. Is contact supervised? Did you arrange things via court? I think you will need to formalise things to protect your son.

Is he in AA? If he has a sponsor you could send one text ‘contact your sponsor.’ Then block.
You know any further contact will lead to the “I need you” abuse “I need you” abuse cycle.
You can’t stop him drinking so it is pointless getting any further involved.

Do not respond. Block and delete. No good will come to you if you are fool enough to communicate with him, do not let your heart rule your head here.

That’s a perceptive point Tripot, it’s hard to get away from the residual thought that I could influence even in a small way.

I had a few months of therapy after I left, would love to have more but can’t afford it.

Al Anon meetings I can’t get to locally. I will search for other options, thanks.

Its unanimous that I should not respond and I suppose that’s obviously really, yes he would just deny and follow up with anger and more abuse.

10 months of sobriety was more than I ever expected he could do but it’s hard as my hopes were starting to rise.

No don't respond. But you need to consider what you do re contact.

Is his contact with ds supervised? Will he be driving, there's nothing wrong with telling your ex that contact will be supervised going forward if you feel he can't look after ds because he's back drinking again